Category: Psychology and communication

This article was written by Virginie.

Hello, or good evening, you choose,

Just to change a little, today it is a girl who will speak to you about the Game and the PUA. I allow myself to do it because it has been now more than year and nine months since I know this “world” and I sometimes have the impression that I know more about it than certain fake-players… All right, I do not think I can give you routines or diverse techniques to approach. Except that this is not my purpose. Mine, it is to deliver you my point of view and to talk about certain preconceived ideas. I hope that this testimony will incite you to persevere – or to introduce yourself – in the Game. I suspect that “politically correct people” will not necessarily appreciate what follows but, as says Erica Jong (American writer), “if you don’t risk anything you risk even more!” thus I am going to open my mouth. Then, to tell the truth, I am indifferent that people approve or not what I am going to write. Because I am a little bit kind all the same, I am going to try to be brief (but do not believe in it too much).

Let’s begin with the beginning (and it is already a good start): until last year I did not feel good when I was in couple. What, needs to admit it, is frankly bundle. OK, I didn’t have 36 000 relations before, nevertheless every time I put an end to it because I felt locked – and nevertheless they were far from being jealous nor sticky.

Then, the summer 2013, I discovered the world of the PUA thanks to the blog of your very dear Cyprineman. And, contrary to what can say some girls or some boys, I did not absolutely feel raped by their inhumanity nor soiled nor anything else. On the contrary, I find it good that guys decide to take in hand their life to improve and take advantage completely of the short passage that we make on Earth. Because it is exactly about it that we talk when it comes to the PUA. Then, yes, they approach more girls than most of the average guys (without being weird nor impolite) and thus fuck more. But everything is a question of statistics. In what is it bad? I want to say, they don’t force the girl. They are neither narcissistic perverts (moreover I advise you to look for what is really a narcissistic pervert because this has nothing to do with what I have read on diverse forums, and it is a future shrink who speaks to you, thus I know a minimum this subject), nor psychopaths (no but how can some people make such a mixture?!). Then if some people are crazy, it is not a consequence of the “status” of PUA. I could explain you perversion as one of the three forms of structure of the psyche with the psychosis and the neurosis and what are the ins and outs or the particular stuff that characterizes the psychopaths, but I said that I would try to be brief thus I leave you the care of making yourself these researches – if however you agree to question. In brief. What I wanted to say it is that narcissistic perverts : it existed before the PUA and they will always exist, that’s the way it is. The same goes for the psychopaths.

To return to the fact there that they fuck more, I just want to say: as long as they protect themselves, everything goes well. It is maybe stupid what I am going to say but love is something that requires two people. Thus yes, his purpose is to enjoy a maximum (and blaming somebody for that is just, in my opinion, a mixture of jealousy and frustration), but don’t pretend to me that the girl just undergoes. Poor victim, it is frankly not nice to give her orgasms, you should be ashamed! Pff, bullshit… Then there you will tell me that the PUA manipulate, uses various verbal and non-verbal techniques of communication to get his own way and so we can consider the girl as a victim. To what I would answer that, on one hand, we are all manipulated in the everyday life (read “The sneaky influences” by Beauvois so you come back on Earth a little). And that we also manipulate the others. Sometimes we do not necessarily realize it. Let’s take a quite stupid example: a parent says to his child “I would like you to tidy up your bedroom. You are not obliged, it’s up to you, but it would all the same be a good thing…”. Well, there, there is manipulation inside. Thus the one who has never used this kind of formulation can casts the first stone on me. Then, in what is it bad to use techniques of communications? Thanks to them, the discussions are more fluid and more pleasant. Then, all right, they allow to establish more or less artificially a comfortable climate with the girl. But since when is it a problem to want that the person whom we address does not see us as a threat? Then there is a brilliant guy that I respect enormously who had made of these manipulations his job: Erickson (all those who want to continue in the Game should read about it, at least the main lines). To summarize, it is a psychologist who developed his own technique of hypnosis – or rather, of auto-hypnosis – based on processes allowing to directly reach the unconscious. His patients went out from it more alive than ever. Then so that’s it for you to be a swindler, I say fuck off.

I am willing to admit it, all the PUA do not necessarily make a great use of their “learning”, but it’s just like everywhere. To make generalizations like crazy, it is dangerous and totally stupid. The human being is too complex to be generalized. It is also for that reason that it is necessary to be wary of people who promise you, thanks to an internship of 2-3 days, to seduce any girl, including the HB10 (who are in fact easier to seduce than the others, but you already know it and why). Do you know a miracle diet that allows to lose weight quickly, without getting fat again and which requires only few efforts? Not me, in any case. Moreover, in what is it useful to seduce “any girl”? Isn’t it better to manage to end up with a person who corresponds to us a minimum? In any case, it is from this perspective that acts the PUA – the real one. Besides, the internships are made by so-called coaches in seduction (no need to make a lot of researches on the Internet to see that there is no corresponding diploma), not by PUA. Let’s not mix everything, please ! Then, I am far from being an expert in seduction, but there is no need to have gone out of Saint-Cyr(French military academy) to realize that the coaches publish only videos of the moments when they succeeded – whether it is to get a number, to kiss a girl, etc. Have you already seen an ad for a diet in which they showed us people on whom it had not worked? No, nevertheless it happens often. Thus it is the same thing for these coaches. They just show their success. Logic, they live on that. I do not say that I am a fan of it, but I just find that understandable. And, once again, you should not make generalizations: idiots and “kind persons” exist in every domains. As for myself, I saw a video of Snipe – the one of his passage on France3 – and I find him realistic. Because he was on TV, he maybe a little forced the line, to be sure “to buzz ” – and apparently it worked, no? Then, I know nothing about it, I am not in his head neither.

Another point mattering which I would like to develop it is the taking of step back towards the methods very divided in X stages. I am not specially against the idea if you want to have a “weft” to don’t feel lost during the interaction, but it is necessary to avoid falling in the rigidity. As well you as the girl, you would feel ill at ease. As a result, you would not seduce, what would frustrate you and you would not anymore be in good conditions to succeed. Each of us is unique thus a method which works for one dude will not work necessarily for another one. You have to take enough step back to differentiate the good things and the shit and to choose what corresponds to you.

I am anxious to make an analogy: becoming a PUA it is a little like becoming a dancer. When we begin the dance we are incapable to make a jump, or a wide gap, or some other figure. But due to repeating again and again, falling and getting up every time, gestures eventually become more fluid, more precise, more harmonious. But it takes time. I practiced dance during 10 years and I am far from being an exceptional dancer. Becoming a PUA, it is the same thing, it takes time and involves necessarily ups and downs (not tights, eh, it would be ridiculous). Well, here we are, I made my analogy, I am happy.

To finish, I know that the point of view I defend is rather surprising, especially for a girl. But I am not one of those who dream about the prince charming on his beautiful white horse, about the passionate relation in Roméo and Juliette and about romanticism with no end. And, I am going to tell you a secret, it is more or less similar for ALL the girls. But schuuut, huh, don’t spread this around ! I am even going to entrust you a second secret : I am in a relationship with a PUA. Yes, yes, a couple – even me I have difficulty in believing in it. We had started by having an open-relationship before wanting something more serious. I conceive that this kind of relation is often badly seen – ah fucking social pressure – but, as for myself, I think that it is the best way to avoid disappointments. I am anxious to specify that I am not an ugly girl nor a nymphomaniac (moreover, to be nympho it is not just sleeping with a max of people, it is a real psychological trouble that makes the person suffer a lot, there is a real ill-being) neither a whore nor I don’t know what else. I make a success of my studies, I have a social life and I am almost never sick (and this has nothing to do with the rest) ! I just take advantage of the short time that represents life by disregarding what will be said. What’s the problem ?! Moreover, I have to admit you that I had never feel as good in couple as since I am with this PUA (and it is not just because sexually it is awesome, even if that contributes to it). The things is that he understands me better than most of the guys and that I can be really myself and express what I want or do not want without fear of being judged. Thanks to his capacity to listen to me and to hear what women say, we never quarrelled (even if I am far from being the ideal girlfriend!). It is my first real long-term relationship and, if it works, it is I think because he made an huge work upstream to become a PUA.

Well, I do not know if I really answered the original aim but I hope that this article will have reassured you : being a PUA and finding a nice girl (even brilliant, like me (yes, modesty is one of my main qualities)) it is totally compatible. I would even add : being a PUA is an advantage to find a good girl (even brilliant, like me (long live the running gags)). So let’s go to work !

P.S. : I guess I have failed to write a short text but, at the same time, I had said that I would try, not that I would succeed.

The scenario of today is the following one: you like THIS girl you, you maintain more or less cordial relations with her… but flirtless. Nevertheless, deep in your heart, you see her as the ideal girlfriend, and all your thoughts are for her. You forbid for a long time to reveal your interest to don’t risk to ruin THIS friendship you consider as « better than nothing » or worst as « a passage obliged before dating her ». Then, one day, you decide to admit her your love, to declare your flame, etc. It is the moment of truth: double or quits. She wants or does not want. You do not really know what else to do to find some peace of mind. Expressing your feeling relieves, certainly, but does not work very often. This story is classic to a T, moreover, we almost all lived it someday.

Fuck. It is logical that it does not work. A little of common sense gad: I complete my STATEMENT of taxes, I ADMIT that it is me who broke the vase of the lounge, I CONFESS to the priest that I have already stolen doughnuts in a department store. But passion speaks another language and refuses absolutely to be related to a guilty behavior (it is already too much).

In our crap cultures, we like confessing, whether it is in the church or at a shrink. Because we cannot confess without a third party who is going to cut to punish or console, etc.. The one with whom we confess thus has an enormous power over us and at the same time, we break free of a weight, on one hand of a responsibility, of a secret. First step towards the redemption. Moreover, the more it is difficult to admit, the more confessions are sincere.

It is a little bit the same thing when we admit our impure desire to the person who wants only cordial relationships or friendships. Although we say it, we always hope for a miracle in fact « me too I love you. Let’s make love. » But it happens only very rarely:
1) Because somebody who does not feel at ease with his own desires and his sexuality to the point to admit them as faults is not attractive.
2) Because the relation of judgment and the fact of putting the power in the hands of other one is contrary to a fusional relation. Anything but attractive.
3) Because the girls want that a game is established, they want to be seduced before we impose on them to answer by « yes » or « no » (I sometimes do it in clubs when I approach all the cute girls in a raw by asking them if that would please them to kiss me but it is for fun and I rarely sleep with them after). The confession is often a shout of the heart, an expression of despair, a kind of ultimatum: we feel stuck, we don’t know what to do … It is not attractive. The only bearable shout it is the one that a girl emits before coming 😉

Friendzone : In summary, it is the category in which the girls tidy up the men they consider as good friends/confidants but they will never fuck. Sometimes it is even because they become confidants that they do not anymore want to date them. Certainly, exceptions always exist, but are not common. Then, you absolutely have to avoid falling in it because going out of it is really very difficult and it is often maybe easier to start all over again with another one (but often we are obsessed by this one thus we do not want and it is the beginning of the end of it all). What shows obviously, moreover, that it is the women who have the power in seduction it is that I know almost no girl in the friendzone whereas I know a lot of guys who are in it and stay there.

If you enter the plan « supressed wish/friendzone », start by accepting your feelings, your NATURAL desire for the other sex. It is not a fault finding a friend sexy and there is nothing shameful in the fact that she affects you in a certain way (it is even very normal). If you begin to try to hide it or whatever, on the contrary, the relation will become unhealthy. Express rather your attraction during a more playful, more serene, healthier, more pleasant dialogue… I’m talking about the FLIRTATION.

If you think that this article concerns you, then it is necessary to change your whole mindset. Read The (inconvenient) truth about gender relations.

Welcome into the world of the Game.

The human being is a social animal: OK, we know it since Aristote. To feel good, a man thus needs to be surrounded and to satisfy his need for affection. Moreover, more than the number of people who compose the circle of acquaintances, it is the quality of the moral support that really matters: Most of people prefer to have some friends or intimate members of the family rather than numerous superficial relations. What leads me to a thorny question: do we fall in love with a girl then we become intimate or do we become intimate then we fall in love or finally do we fall in love and immediately become intimate? What is the healthiest sequencing ? What precautions to take in order to don’t finish broken-hearted?

WHAT IS LOVE? AN EMOTION, AN ATTITUDE, A DECISION?

Romantic love begins with the passionate love. It is an involuntary subjective experience, difficult to control and passing. It is characterized by obsessive thoughts and intense attention carried to another individual that we idealize. This idealized image, produced by what we sometimes call the “pink glasses” effect of love is often accompanied by an intense possessiveness. A corollary, which was able to be measured, is that the men less notice the attractive women when they are in love. All this comes along obviously with a state of big euphoria. The new couples are really into their new relation, asserting that it is special. An emotional dependence and a constant search for the emotional merger with the other one then develops. A phenomenon that often leads to an obsessional way of thinking. A temporary separation will generate the anxiety of the new young turtledoves. But adversity often tends to strengthen the passionate love, by a mechanism qualified as “frustration-attraction”.

That was Love, the true one. Now, there is what I call false-love: between lost people, we can stick excessively to another one like an oyster with its rock. That is to say we so much want to be in couple, that we are persuaded that we are in love. Or then, we do not think we couldn’t find as well as this person if we lost her/him, then we convince ourselves that it is passion (except that if we hang out with a creepy girl it is a way to justify the phlegm we have to go back on the field to pick up to find a person who really corresponds to us). So, these people who get so excited for somebody whom they have just met make me laugh. That can be love at first sight as they claim it, but the probability is low. How can you know? Standing back and being honest with yourself.

Other example: a friend of mine was with a guy for 2 years. She adored him. She spoke all the time about how much they were in love. They saw each other every day and regularly went on a journey together. She was 27 years old and wanted to get married but was not infinitely going to wait for him. Then she gave him a hardly disguised ultimatum. “Where is our relation going?” She did not appreciate his answer and broke up that very day. She packed her bag and disappeared. Less than three months later, she is again in couple with another dude. They are already betrothed, and a baby is on his way. Women do not laugh with their internal clock. They know that they have a limited duration. No matter if you are the coolest man of the world. Who your girlfriend would choose: her internal clock or you? This is the real question… So, is it really something we can call “love” ?

MISSING HIM/HER IS A LUXURY, NOT A CRIME OF LESE-MAJESTY

Some people see each other twice five minutes then they decide to put themselves in couple. Good for them, but if they do not unstuck one from the other one from this moment, this merger will lose them. That bewilders me these people who, when circumstances force them to find themselves separated by dozens of kilometers, stay in permanent contact by Skype or by texts that they send all day and night long.

Love is maybe an experience in which we are only the willing victims of a biochemical cocktail more powerful than GHB and from which we can wake up with a fucking hangover. I remember a buddy who was very sociable, very cool, went out all the time, etc. Then, one day a girl suggested him getting in a relationship (or rather she gave an ultimatum to be in agreement with her biological clock). Suddenly, he stopped going out with his friends and spent all his weekends with this girl. He stopped coming to the fitness gym and got fat because he preferred to stay 2 hours on the phone with his other half than having a physical activity. One day, she found another guy with whom she repeated the same pattern: they broke up, he found himself fat and isolated, with just his eyes to cry. He has lost everything because his whole life depended on his darling (who eventually cheated on him and moreover had already cheated on him with her ex even before their separation) – act liberator because transgressive and leading to this break up).

YES your girlfriend can miss you, and NO it is not a bad thing. The attraction, the desire … grow during absence. Think again about it when you will want to see a girl all the time or to saturate her voice mailbox suffocating so little by little the fire of her passion. In a relationship, each one should keep a wide part of autonomy. Without counting the fact that two people rarely love each other the same way, or for the same reasons. Even if the same type of neurosis can gather two hearts.

WE MAKE ONLY ONE: BUT SHE OR I?

Neither of them, fuck : a couple merges only when makes love. The interest of the relation is in the complicity, the friendship, the desire and the complementarity … Not in a false-dilution of two protagonists leading to a loss of their peculiarity, of their personality. My partner, I will love her because she is Other than me. Because she will fascinate me by qualities I do not have. Because we will complement each other. If what you like with your girl, it is your reflection in her eyes, then you fell in unhealthy narcissism, wake up !

It is necessary to distinguish what Helen Fisher calls romantic love and two other big systems: the sexual desire and the attachment. While the second (the desire) would allow the individuals to introduce the behavior of seduction with several partners, romantic love would motivate to concentrate on a single partner, so allowing to save up time and energy for the benefit of possible children. This offspring, ultimate purpose of the sexual desire and romantic love, is then going to benefit from the third system, the attachment which builds up itself between the parents, to grow up in an environment stable and provided with the resources necessary for its good development.

A drift of this system: the desire of sexual property in the Othello’s way which can lead to the madness is a matter for the psychiatrist in my opinion. For Platon, the desire that dominates all the others is the desire of immortality. Love would thus aim to be eternal (even if the rate of divorce disagrees with it) and complete in the way of Sternberg. Indeed, the triangular theory of love of Sternberg puts three different entities which can, alone or combined, explain seven big types of affairs. These three entities are:
– Passion (the physical attraction and the sexual desire);
– Intimacy (the feeling of closeness and link created by the exchange of trusts)
– Commitment (the intention shared to build and to maintain a long-term relation with the other one). Sternberg asserts that a given love relation can be described by one of the seven following categories, outcome of the possible combinations between these three entities, which intensity can vary.

7 forms of love according to Sternberg are :
– With only the intimacy, Sternberg evokes a loving shape close to the true friendship, or to the relation doctor / patient.
– If there is only some commitment, he speaks about partnership or about love empty as in the arranged marriages.
– Love with only passion is similar to desire, infatuated or romantic, in brief it is fast love at first sight which can disappear so quickly as it appeared.
– Real romantic love would be the one formed by passion and by intimacy (but without guarantee of commitment).
– Complicity or love of trade guilds is made by intimacy and by commitment, occurs often with people in couples for several years when the passion eased.
– Admiring or stupid love would arise when there is passion and a commitment, but without having developed a real intimacy, when the commitment is only motivated by passion.
– Love said “consummated” includes three basic components and would constitute the ideal love relationship, difficult to obtain and even more to maintain.

According to Sternberg, every individual can be defined by two triangles, the one who characterizes his present love relation, and the one of his ideal love relation. The most long-lasting couples are obviously the ones with compatible triangles. He insists as well on the fact that every triangle is the resultant of our premature influences and of our individual story, and that consequently, it is never definitively fixed and that each of its components is inevitably going to vary with time. A desirable evolution being for him the one in which the missing or too few basic components are developed. OK, isn’t it too hard to follow? Otherwise read again 😉

I LOVE YOU FOR EVER, MY SWEETHEART

Every day, thousands of people make the promise to love each other until death separates them. Almost nobody will keep promises. Let’s be wary of absolute “always”, “never”… it does not exist in the human scale: the couple will have children who will succeed to them but it is a fucking mediocre comfort. To what extent would I be my son? 50 %? 25 %? 0 %? No, we have no other choice than showing humility and accepting the end of everything down here. Including ours.

The difficulty, I understand it: dopamine damages your critical brain, you juggle between the spontaneity of your drives and the cold blood necessary for the harmonious progress of the relation on the length-term. Then yeah, you are maybe in love, but do not bombard her with messages, do not see her every day, especially at the beginning, because it would not be any more with her that you would be in love … rather with the illusion than you built up to calm your existential anxiety and your very justifiable fear of the abandonment, of the solitude, of the end …

Roughly, if I would be happy to have found the woman of my life, I would also love her because she will have had the intelligence to don’t want to fall in extremes described below:
– Not seeing each other every day;
– Not living together too soon;
– Adduce going outs and journeys without the other one;
It will frighten some but the couple bases itself on the recognition of two liberties. Without freedom, no real love. Rather a duty which one or the other one will eventually want to escape.

NB. The distance I’m talking about is not a stratagem to see if the person really loves you. On the contrary, it is called “respect”.

LOVE IS JUST CHEMISTRY

We say that romantic passion is stronger than sexual desire for the simple and good reason that rare are people who sink into depression or even commit suicide or kill someone if somebody refuses to sleep with them. Unfortunately, this behavior occurs with weak people rejected by a love relation. What the hell can give to this behavior a so important character?. The answer would have a lot to do with another very powerful experience that human beings can feel : dependence with certain psychoactive substances.

Because, in many respects, romantic love looks like a dependence. It shares with it numerous characteristics like obsession, mental focus, emotional fluctuations, distortion of the reality, personality’s changes, risk-taking or loss of self-control. Crossing a whole country on a whim for some kisses from the loved one can certainly make you smile but it is reminiscent of the psychological dependence of a person in lack of drugs and ready for anything to get his dose. Does your other half love you for YOU or for the drugs you make her SECRETE?

About our first question concerning the sequencing, here is my advice: it is very difficult to keep a cool head with a girl who upsets your chemistry (the less we have options less are confident and the more we are in lack of sex and the more it is difficult). You do not really see neither her defects nor anything. Thus wait at least 3 months before putting yourself in couple for good with a woman. So, every girl is in probationary period during at least twelve weeks. After she proved by her behavior that she is up to it, you can consider to accept her offer to be your girlfriend. No crazy woman nor any sex friend full of STD can so cross your sentimental barriers and reach your heart (it would then be much more difficult to leave her.) During this trial period, the women who do not suit to you are naturally mercilessly dismissed (and without advance notice).

Be stronger than your hormones ! And do not confuse love with One-itis (false-love, sick obsession…) ! But this is another topic.

This article will maybe seem paradoxical to you because the blogs of seduction usually teach how to be successful with women. And that’s it. But Diary is different : here we talk about gender relations as a whole.

Let’s say that there are two opposite: the guy who has NO success with the gentle sex (the naïve and full of illusions beginner), and the one who has TOO MUCH success. It is against this extreme that I am going to warn you today.

 

NO SUCCESS VS TOO MUCH SUCCESS

 

Some time ago, to compensate for studies that did not fascinate me much, I started to sleep with more than a reasonable amount of women. On average, more than 2 new women / a month… performance having risen several times until reaching 4 or 5, if you want to know everything. But that’s not a glorious thing (I’m not a kid). And it is what I am going to explain now. The act in itself interests me but has never been an end in itself for me. Especially that I had ventured into the study of the seduction above all by passion for psychology (and to become expert in gender relations).

Too many people believe that my purpose is just to screw girls as a manic (and to boast). No, my purpose is to reconcile both sexes. I still read too many bullshit like “the guys don’t understand us, they take us for bags of meat” or “I am going to teach you how to seduce girls, but not the cheap girls, not the girls you can fuck in 5 minutes in the bathroom of a restaurant”. These people there are or too feminist or too misogynous in their statements to glimpse the beginning of a reality (the truth is situated between these two faiths, beyond the prejudices of each sex). The first ones wants to look pure and innocent to make guys feel guilty (while I saw a lot of girls loving sex more than me), and the second did not understand that sometimes even the good girls practice quick sex, that does not mean they are whores nor easy nymphomaniacs, just that they found an alpha who turned them on enough and who tempted them to live something out of the ordinary (those who criticize this kind of girls are often guys who do not manage to make them do that, then they point them because they grumble as bastards). It is good sometimes… And no, that does not make of us nests for STD (I have no STD then you do not risk much if you protect yourself).

Some people fall into the seduction community to cover an emotional deficit, others to compensate for a complex or because they think that they will be one day able to seduce ALL the girls, etc. No matter what led you here, know that by working hard you will have results but you will sometimes feel a little bit tired. The girls will follow one another in your bed but it will not satisfy you. There is, indeed, a distinction to be operated between the need for conquest, for sexual diversity (the desire for sex) and the peace with yourself, with women (the need for affection – cf. my book The (inconvenient) truth about gender relations). I develop.

What you desired so ardently (becoming a Casanova) will not make you happy. You will kiss, will penetrate, will enjoy, all this yes (and it is already good, at least, better than most of guys). Reaching happiness, no. You will never be able to seduce ANY girl (or even a 80 % quota sorry), but it is not a reason live as a couple with any girl. You would eventually go off the rails, be disgusted by the “couple” and return to hunting with a multiplied tenfold appetite. And with a bad energy.

If you belong to the class of the seducers-collectors, maybe you should think of seducing BETTER. Of seducing only special girls, even if it means missing girls who would have satisfied you only for night but that you didn’t like much. On the other hand, if you slept with less than 15 women in your life, do not use as excuse “most of the girls are not hot enough for me/they do not excite me” to justify your inactivity. A naked woman excites a man (and vice versa): it is the law of nature. If you recognized yourself, it is necessary to put aside your pride, to move your ass to integrate notions of the Game and cut you teeth with HB6/7 to be capable of daring when a HB8/9 will cross your way (brainless silly bitches do not count). However, if your reasoning is the following one “at first I want to sleep with a lot of women, and then I shall stay with the one who will have caught my attention”, be wary too. To keep some value with the opposed sex, you have to be a minimum demanding. Otherwise, you will not be credible any more… a girl wants to know that when she sleeps with a guy it is because he really likes her, not because it is a mentally ill person who fucks everything that can get wet.

 

ABUNDANCE VS SEXUAL SATISFACTION

 

Certain animals (like goldfish) do not know the sensation of satisfaction. They can thus stuff until they burst. It is not a manufacturing defect it is just that, in their natural environment, this situation of abundance of food never occurs. It was thus convenient to equip them with an appetite ceaselessly alert so that they miss no opportunity to make reservations.

A few years ago, I had read the atypical story of a guinea pig, it had managed the exploit to escape from its enclosure and to penetrate into the one of the females. It coupled with around thirty females and returned so exhausted by its expedition that it slept during two days in a row, touching the death of fatigue. It stuck with me.

Let’s return to human beings. The situation of sexual abundance can occur when you master the Game. But the skillful natural, the celebrity, the porn actor, the guy who masturbates on Daredorm all day long are also outside the norm. It is a relatively modern phenomenon: the liberation of morals, the condoms, the contraceptive pills, the increase of urban populations, the advent of Internet and sex on television are so many factors that confront us with circumstances for which our brain is not prepared.  We are not programmed to live in this environment. Like goldfish in front of food, our instinct urges us to take advantage of a maximum of opportunities of mating. We can then be tempted to go too far, at the expense of our own physical and mental health.

This is the way we manage to fuck girls not hot nor interesting because « that should not be wasted! » It can become compulsive. Then it is true that any relatively cute girl can provoke drives. She makes guys fantasize in the subway, in the street, in clubs, etc. Some people masturbate certainly by thinking of her right now or in any case would like to fuck her. As a result, if you have the opportunity to fuck her, it would be disrespecting them to miss the opportunity. It is a point of view that is understandable… It was mine for a long time. It is shocking but it is the purest expression of our primitive instinct. As for me, when I was younger and even now to a lesser extent, I believed for a long time that I would not last long. Then I had decided to burn out my life. To enjoy. Carpe diem. It is an antique philosophy but that has the merit to be rational when you seriously think about it.

In a situation of profusion and thus of stimulation, we also feel peaks of dopamine that can engender a phenomenon of habituation (we shall thus ceaselessly need stronger and more frequent doses). You thus have to cross this stage at the risk of becoming sex-addict.

 

“I CAN GET NO SATISFACTION”

 

If Mick Jagger (knighted by Prince Charles, rich, famous, wanted by thousands of groupies) does not manage to feel satisfied, how the common run of people would ?

This chronic non-satisfaction is understandable by the phenomenon of habituation about which we spoke just now (gradual decrease of the intensity and the frequency of appearance of a hormonal answer further to the repeated or prolonged exposure to the stimulus having activated it). Those who listened in economy class will recognize Ricardo’s law of diminishing returns (from a certain threshold, every additional unit produces a yield (here a marginal satisfaction) lower than the previous one).

If you lived his life for one night, or if you won at the bingo tomorrow, then there yeah you would enjoy like crazy (especially if you are poor and asexual at the moment). Indeed, the felt satisfaction is a function of our past experiences. But if you lived in the wealthiness during three years: you would quickly return to your initial level of felt happiness (even if you had fucked 100 girls or bought one Porsche and a villa in Saint-Tropez in the meantime). Worse, if you then found yourself unexpectedly without girl or without money, you would go crazy.

It can seem depressing but needs to see the good side of the process: if you became suddenly blind in one eye, well, you would learn how to live with and would return sooner or later to a correct level of well-being.

 

SO… NOTHING CAN MAKE ME DURABLY HAPPIER THAN I AM TODAY?

 

We have all certain capacities to be happy. Some have a temperament of naysayers: they grumble even when the weather is beautiful. Others see the charm of rainy day. I believe that it is the way you perceive little gifts, small enjoyments of the everyday life and not the focus on your big problems that will make you more certainly happy than millions on your bank account (even if I would like to have this money for the safety and the comfort which it gives).

The art of being positive is taught by the everyday life: the excesses will lead you inevitably to the existential suffering. Do not thus always try to go « higher, stronger, faster ». This Olympic slogan would make you pass next to the essential things of life and would make you a sick person.

If we come back to seduction now : integrate the other one into his/her complexity. The search for happiness is easier with someone else. When I reread this sentence, I am a little whinger then I am going to compensate. It is my errors, my excesses and my wanderings that taught me the virtues of balance. I would even say that they are a part of it, to a lesser extent. I have the head full of memories and almost no regret. I even regret nothing linked to the Game because it did not impact negatively on my private life (I did not take delay in my studies, did not cut off from my childhood friends, etc.). You should all the same put things in perspective and stand back on your life. Seduction is not an end in itself, very rare are the ones who manage to make it become their job (most of the time, not the best, moreover). Seduction does not thus have to impact negatively on the other aspects of your life, in particular your professional life.

Being a man implies some responsibilities (it is enough to see how finishes Ashton Kutcher in Spread to understand that being able to seduce is not enough to be happy nor to succeed). And not only mastering the art of cunnilingus.

Keep all the same in mind that excesses (too much or not enough) are fatal for the human being. The problem is that everybody has his/her own definition of these terms. Even more when it comes to sex. We really have no reliable marks… I’d like to finish this article on an existential question: are we really made to be happy?

Jealousy is a powerful emotion that crashes our most unhealthy open relations and establishes a conflicting climate convenient to headaches. Well, let’s get serious: do not err on the side of excess of certainty about jealousy and read this article if you want to better understand this phenomenon …

Jealousy, what is it ? Why does it exist ?

The jealousy can be summarized in thoughts and negative feelings of insecurity, fear and anxiety concerning an anticipated loss. It is a childish emotion, we can feel it since we’re 6 months old. Jealousy is a mixture of feelings as anger, sadness, frustration and disgust. This jealousy can be caused by already lived experiences, thoughts, perceptions, memories, but also by the imagination or by the fact of raising questions. The jealousy must not be confused with the desire (envy).

The shape of jealousy that interests us on this blog is the emotion connected to reproduction: the one that assures the sustainability and the stability of unions, but also protection and subsistence to children. A “reasonable” jealousy (that’s the thing : you should not too much piss off the other one with that) can be thus considered as the cement of a couple*…

* Let’s study now the results of a study led by Eugene Mathes from the University of Illinois. A questionnaire was distributed to lovers and, seven years later, those same couples agreed to answer other questions. The 25 % having decided to live together/to get married are the ones whose initial score of jealousy was high. The 75 % having broken up meanwhile had initially reported a lower score of jealousy.

Know that jealousy is universal: studies showed that it expresses all around the world (well except maybe in partner-swapping clubs) with the same intensity (but not always for the same reasons). Then, where is situated the healthy and acceptable border? What’s to be done when it becomes a poison?

The fatal consequences of jealousy

Most of the guys have difficulty in being faithful but are jealous all the same… For proof, 68 % of the American students of first cycle have already cheated on their friend by kissing another one, 49 % by fucking another one (Wiederman, Hurd, 1999). Let’s specify for information that the girls are not exempt from jealousy nor always faithful either (blowing is cheating?) The authors were also bewildered by the proportion of people who do not even image the existence of an alternative to monogamy. Finally, concerning young students in couple, 1/3 admit that jealousy is a problem. Whether it is: suffering from the jealousy of somebody else or being jealous.

Overcoming jealousy

« You suffocate me, you are too jealous, I’m leaving you / If you do not show yourself jealous, it is because you do not love me, I’m leaving you ». True story. It is a little a dead end thus, this story of jealousy. But we can wonder: what is the really “natural” part, the cultural part and the strategic part of jealousy?

A Hungarian can tolerate to see his partner flirting with another one whereas a Yugoslav just can’t. Paradoxically, the latter will grant less importance for some extramarital kisses while the Hungarian will see an unforgivable insult there (Buunk, Hupka, 1987). Similar facts thus provoke different reactions depending on the countries: jealousy is thus more cultural than biological. Don’t be sheeps: think for yourself. What is your real opinion on jealousy?

By the way, I have a question. If your girlfriend cheated you, who would you blame? The guy who did nothing else than following his instinct or your girlfriend who knew perfectly what she was doing? Your answer will say a lot about you : your level of confidence and your objectivity. If you decide to smash the face to the other guy, I pity you because it is unfair (unless the other one knew that she was your girlfriend and wanted to hurt you personally)… Best is thus to stay away from the girls of others and to don’t share them too much with your buddies (jealousy can also damage friendship).

Swingers, libertines, etc. knew how to overcome the stage of jealousy. Without falling in these excesses, as for myself, I like very much the open relationships. At least, at the beginning. Indeed, some people know each other for 10 days, kissed each other 3 times and are jealous as if their life depended on it. It is here that there is a problem. I wonder where does this need that one the 16-year-old young teenager has to be “in a relationship” at all costs comes from. Certainly a need for validation, they too much saw it in TV shows, or need to be reassured, or they don’t want to get tired then content themselves with easy sex (when they do it). But it is another debate (it certainly has something to do+- with the vision of happiness the society inculcates). I always advise to begin by hanging out together at least 3 months, by flirting of course, before declaring yourself in couple. I think that anybody normally constituted then feels jealousy when he/she cares for somebody (even if exceptions probably exist like for everything). It is thus understandable in the case of true love. But in this case, it is not necessary even if it may be cute. From a point of view more down-to-earth, it is understandable if we invested a lot in the other one (money or time or IDK what else).

The loving jealousy cannot be born if the partners have a relationship based on trust (but this notion remains subjective depending on the jealous individuals, according to previous traumas, etc.). Jealousy is all the more important as the jealous person has the feeling that his/her psychological balance rests on the fact of being with the wished person : Jealousy is thus a problem of attachment proper to the jealous person who needs to be reassured, or eventhe feeling can be, rightly or wrongly, based on the imagination. It should be noted that the jealous individual generally repeats the same patterns with all the partners. The jealous individual can then be mousy in the couple: he tries to possess his/her partner at all costs and, to avoid losing him/her, rarely puts itself in opposition by accepting compromises. But this behavior can then strengthen the feeling of insecurity in particular when the partner keeps a freedom outside of the couple, the jealous person not becoming any more the unique beneficiary of a partner. The jealous individual feels freed from his jealousy only when he spends time with his/her only partner, what eventually compromises the freedom of the partner, who can feel frustration meanwhile.

Some people say that jealousy is related to the notion of self-confidence. The less you are self-confident and the more you are easily jealous, because you think that your girl can leave with the other one (that anyone can be better than you). If you want to play the role of the alpha male, then silence your jealousy when it is disproportionate. Attention thus to don’t annoy your partner with that if you are in an open-relationship. In this case, make her rather addicted to you by fucking her a lot and well (her rate of ocytocin will rise and she will like very much you all the more)

The complacency about the maintain this feeling of jealousy comes from the fact that the existence of the obstacle (the rival) strengthen the value of the object of the rivalry. Jealousy can be a strategy so that a target realizes that she likes you. But it is an operation to be made with precaution: to make a girl feel healthily jealous, it must be suggested and not ostentatious (do not kiss girls in front of her at the risk of blocking her).

Jealousy, source of power

It is about a triangular relation like Foucault described, it brings in the jealous person, the partner and a third:
– When we “make” someone jealous it is that we committed a fault. We are thus responsible for repairing the insult. This is why some people oblige their partners to don’t see any more their friends, or to show them their text messages, etc. Would you hire a detective to investigate into the past of your best friend? It would be weird… Well, in a mono-normative society and within the framework of a love relation, this behavior is tolerated. THE SUSPECT THUS HAS TO SEEK FORGIVENESS EVEN IF HE DID NOTHING WRONG. FUCK.
– MECHANISM OF RESISTANCE: we can invert the relation of power by accusing the jealous person of being excessive, extreme, unreasonable. We so fuck his/her arguments. To be won : more freedom. For a good or a bad use.
– MAKING THE OTHER JEALOUS TO SEE IF THE COUPLE IS STABLE : Without necessarily committing any “fault” but just by sowing seeds “to see”. Preventive Resistance. Who said that attack is the best form of defense? It is a little pervert all the same.

According to Eric Berne, jealousy combines the conditions so that both partners are engaged in small psychological games that always hurt at least one of the participants. He considers them as toxins because damage the ambient well-being. True, sincere, authentic and spontaneous contacts that the author calls “Intimacy” would obviously be preferable. However, this intimacy as awesome as it can be, is perceived as difficult to create and dangerous because put people in front-line without calculation nor protection there. It is the big problem for people who “do not want” to fall in love: the emotional vulnerability can cause big damages, especially in case of disappointment, like depressions.

The jealousy occurs within the framework of a triangular relation (what differentiates it from desire or envy), when somebody considers that the second individual behaves for a third in a way that threatens according to him the relation of the couple and more particularly his or her place in the couple. The jealous person conceives from it resentment, reproaches, doubts, that he sends to the face of the two others, with generally a focus on the second person. The essence of the jealous behavior does not lie in this concern, sometimes imaginary, for the couple, nor in the fact of acting, but in the excessive emotional intensity that accompanies it and that compromises the success of this action. The consequences can damage the balance and the communication in the couple, jealous persons sometimes expressing their ownership in a permanent, excessive, exclusive or recurring way that often represents a sick jealousy. So, jealousy is a shape of possessive paranoia. It is sometimes linked to violent behavior: jealousy is evoked in more than 50 % of the cases of domestic violence. It is also at the origin of diverse abuse: insults, harassments… without talking about crimes of passion. All this sometimes coming from people who seemed totally “normal” and “well-adjusted”.

Roughly, this part of us is frightening… then let’s end on a positive note: some sex therapists explain that jealousy, in a reasonable dimension, can have a positive impact on the sexual function and the satisfaction. Studies demonstrate that jealousy can increase the passion of the two partners as well as their sexual pleasure.

Warning: I want to write a message of hope, for a change.

When I go out, I often hear guys just arrived in the bar saying « there is nothing to do here we should leave » or « look at them, they’re all ugly », etc. One must be wary of hasty generalizations (besides the fact that they are often only excuses because these guys are scared to approach: their embarrassment and their internal contradiction between the desire of making out and the fear of approaching are expressed like that). Hell yeah, A HB6 can finally have more value than one 9. Hell no, by Toutatis, the sky didn’t fall over my head. I develop.

Goffman, American sociologist, wrote the following hypothesis « people try to show a version of themselves that will be accepted by their immediate interlocutors». The social relationships of the everyday life are thus biased. They are a permanent negotiation between a “SOCIAL ME” (stable/codified) and a “I” (spontaneous/singular).

It is in this “I” that everybody has something to offer to the others, because the “SOCIAL ME” is extremely conformist (responsible for social pressure). Everybody having his story, if we activate the good levers, we can find some value in every human being (and even in every being).

It does not mean for all this that you should respect no social convention to be interesting. If you want to surpass or to dispute them effectively, you have to know them and master them… otherwise you would become an eccentric who criticizes everything to feel powerful but proposes nothing better. By ease! I know a lot of people like that !

In brief, the world that surrounds us is a perpetual compromise between social rules on one hand and authentic expression of our personality on the other one. It is thus necessary to learn to see beyond the social mask of people, it is necessary to be able to make them comfortable, to have access to their “I”. There is even a lot who need excuses, like “I’m drunk” to dare to let their “I” expressing. To succeed durably in the Game, it is necessary to understand all this.

THE “SOCIAL ME” : PREDICTABLE AND CONVENTIONAL

Some will fall on their ass (the others are already sit on a chair) but yeah, I dare to say it : people, in society, wear masks. We do not always really talk to THEM.

Like in Parisian orgies at the theater, people are actors who make a point of embodying a role (attitude, clothes, decorations). They select also carefully their public according to their mask (an individual can have several masks).

Example: an alcoholic teacher will not go to a bar where he could meet his pupils: he does not want to mix his roles. On the other hand, at school, he wears a shirt, looks confident, uses complicated Latin terms and put on his desk books that he had not really read in reality. Because we speak about that, know that a simple suit or a uniform can be enough to establish an illegitimate authority. Swindlers often do that, moreover. You should know that!

Fortunately, or unfortunately, certain barriers are about to break. I’m thinking in particular of this President who says he is « normal ». What’s the point ? By definition we can hope that our president is not an average guy. I also think of the clothing style cooler than before on the workplace in most of the companies. Private character and professional character are thus less and less different: for better or for worse?

To be noted, we all are more or less a character… if we always were our “deep and wild self”, it would be an huge mess out there! So when I read on blogs (officially serious and wellthinking), that to seduce, it is enough to be “yourself”, I am laughing out loud: you’ve understood now that it strictly means nothing!

THE “I” : UNIQUE AND AUTHENTIC

For those who know Eric Berne and his Transactional Analysis, I’m talking here about the Free Child. This spontaneous, independent and original part of us… It is interesting to learn how to reveal it to add some whim to your Game. To improve in this domain, it can be interesting to practice automatic writing or theatrical improvisation…

Reconciling our “SOCIAL ME” and our “I” in a harmonious way is a delicate balance. Too much of the first one and you would be really tight-ass, too much of the second and you would be too eccentric. There is also the problem of jealous persons who do not dare to go out of their comfort zone and who criticize those who try to improve. A lot of confidence is thus needed to move forward in life. Courage !

A way to don’t get lost in an extreme would be to go over the concept of social value and to discover the concept of human value. In a utopian world, self-fulfillment and concern of Humanity would finally be reconciled.

THE HUMAN VALUE

Monsters have always existed and will always exist, it is a fact: but even them are necessary for the world balance of power (some philosophies recognize it). We can also be a monster without knowing it. Just by obeying orders or by turning a blind eye to certain behavior. Between judge and executioner, the border is sometimes very thin. Edmund Burke moreover wrote that « All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing. ».

Bad people benefit from the complicity of the sheeps who let people be manhandled by being very satisfied because they are not the target. There are also those who do nothing. There are finally those who dare to rebel. In brief, every human being has some value, has a utility, in his way. Even if this utility is just to be workforce.

And then, we can be surprised, indeed you never can tell who will help you. Personally, I am the altruistic kind, I have already helped people without reason just like that… And I noticed that they did not really expect it. Thus I advise you to do not spit your poison at people just because you underwent a contrariety during the day. That would be unfair ! Conversely, I was betrayed numerous times by people who were important for me and for whom I had made enormous efforts. I also had the bad role sometimes… The wheel turns!

Wonder about yourself, about the others, about your acts, about their acts, about the standard. We will so maybe avoid the next Hitler. Sorry, but there will be no day off in your quest of a better yourself. And if we want to make the world better, I know that it is sometimes disheartening, but we are going to have to begin with improving ourselves.

LET’S NOT JUDGE HASTILY

Between what people are and what people appear, there is an abyss. Classifying a person in the category of the “assholes”, the “losers” or the “misfits” without knowing him/her can really be an huge mistake (I nevertheless often hear that). What I write is not politically correct stuff… but wisdom. We reject by ease sometimes.

If I declare that everyone has an intrinsic human value equal to mine. Then no more judgment can affect me, I will be freed: I can indifferently hang out with the most powerful and the most humble. It is an interesting concept, even if we talk about human value, it is necessary to subtract other things (like being mean or stupid). But what I mean it’s that nobody is fundamentally uninteresting for everybody in fact. So there is hope for all of us : we are so numerous that everybody can match with people!

Let’s establish more authentic, warm and sincere relationships. Between two Free Children. Let’s pay less attention to protection and let’s give way to intimacy. Everybody has his short story to be told, his stone to be added to the building of our lives! Maybe it will help one day… The most beautiful meetings can be the most unexpected, on the Internet thanks to a poke or even in the street. Let’s be open-minded! We will this way more often cross the stage of the “nice guy” (social mask often).

You can have a crush on the charm on this girl after speaking to her while you would not even have noticed her if you had not forced to grant an equal importance to everybody (because she was not in make-up/high heels mode today). Watch out, I am not suggesting you to have sex with an ugly girl to see at the bottom of her vagina if you would not find her internal beauty…

I have already said it in another article but intellectual masturbation prevents you from meeting new girls. Besides, your mind is probably conditioned to create a negative image of people even before approaching them. We are quite negative in France, while to be happy, it would be necessary on the contrary to make the effort to be positive.

Roughly, you cannot predict the character of a person in the twinkling of an eye. Then I agree that there is a lot of idiots out there, but at least be sure before classifying people in such a category otherwise you will finish alone & embittered. Also, before criticizing, look where you are, you, in your life there.

Some criticize people who smoke, drink, take drugs, play no sport, go out or not in clubs, read magazines celebrity or I don’t know what else… Fuck, we don’t care ! Everybody lives his/her life and life is sometimes some shit then one needs “things” to move on. Let’s help and love each other, it will maybe be easier for everybody rather than always criticizing and telling lousy gossip.

This reflex of always criticizing and speaking ill to feel better (or for living by proxy) is something rather common, in my family like in my social circle but that puts me ill-at-ease. Why not accepting (or nexting) people as they are and be done with it? If they want to improve : good for them, otherwise it doesn’t matter, but it does not belong to you to decide on it for them.

Go out of the herd (and I even speak here about the herd of the amateur eccentrics of plot theories)… Stop taking everybody for idiots. You would become crazy. The world is not that ugly. Learn how to see farther than the end of your nose. If you never doubt anything, then you must be really stupid (but at least I hope that it makes you happy: I would like to have this luck).

All those words to say, when you go out, approach (especially if you went out on that purpose)! Be coherent! Be sincere with yourself !

A lack of education ruins a whole potential of seduction. The following tips will probably not give you more conquests, but better ones. And they will help you to avoid the contempt of your neighbor and friends.

Walk the dangerous side of the sidewalk, the one of the cars, and let the safe side to the girl.

Decide quickly in the café or restaurant and do not enjoy your food or your glass like if it was the first edible food that you saw this year. Ask about her wishes before ordering yours, then order everything at once to the waiter, starting with hers. Do not snap your fingers to get his attention.

At her place, ask if she wants you to take off your shoes; usually she will say no but this will make her happy. Do not come empty handed. The wine is a classic.

At your place, after eating, do you think that seeing your hands in warm water with pink plastic Mappa gloves covering your forearms will make her mad with desire? Do not put either the place mat in the center of the table like her parents …

Be respectful with ancestors of others!

Never judge the quality of things in their price!

Naturally let a woman go first in the elevator shaft, let her go out first too, which may sometimes require some awkward contortions. In this case and when you cannot do other way, go out first : hold the door and wait on the threshold that she passes in front of you.

Make sure after your shower or bath to rinse the tub or tray.

Always put your hand over your mouth or suppress your yawning when someone talks to you.

The man before the woman when going in a pub, a cafe or restaurant; they have once upon a time been poor attendance, so a man has to play the role of protector. Under any other circumstances, a man must open the door and let the woman go before him.

You never said “bon appétit”. If someone said so, do not answer “bon appétit”, deal with a “you too” if really you want to answer.

Do not chew with open mouth, do not talk with your full mouth.

Invited at someone’s place, even a close friend, for dinner, come with a bottle of wine, flowers, dessert, a little something. Be sure to carefully remove the label or the reference price on your gift.

If you are headed and gloved, when you meet someone, start by taking your hat off and then remove your right glove to shake the hand of the person.

Never wear white socks, or sports socks, when you do not do sport.

Avoid short-sleeved shirts.

Highlight your guests and especially your interlocutor. Insert cleverly conversation topics that enhance your audience. But avoid the vile flattery, as well as obsequiousness.

Proscribe the “I”. Assume that “you’re not interesting,” unless you are asked questions. Do not hesitate to ask things, it is very well seen, but avoid being too intrusive or personal.

Do not put your elbows on the table.

Wait to be alone to put your finger in your nose or elsewhere. If you are caught in public by the desire of itching below the belt, stay stoic and do not scratch.

Learn to tread lightly, and not noisy big heels. Also, learn how to open and close doors gently, not to slam them.

Avoid picking your teeth in public.

Few people deserve that you get physical, or even that you put yourself in anger. Do not give a damn, treat them with contempt or indifference.

Consume nothing in excess, everything in moderation. However, do not err on the side of moderation.

Don’t say “excusez moi” but “je vous demande pardon.” The excuse is not acquired.

When you are hosting a party at home, do not forget to tell your neighbors to ask them in advance to excuse your friends for the noise caused.

It is desirable to get engaged properly before you get married, three months to one year before.

Never cut the cheese at the end, always take a piece of the crust.

Ask permission from your neighbors before smoking.

Your home should be tidy, neat, airy, always ready to receive a visitor.

Always answer yes or no to an invitation. If you do not answer, you will not be invited again, and if you are invited, know that you have to invite the person in your turn. Each one takes into account the invitations given and received, refusals and acceptances. Refusing twice an invitation means that you do not want to see the person. If you are invited and cannot come, however, consider this invitation and invite in your turn the person in question. Remember that you are lucky to be invited, you, while others are never invited anywhere.

Never say “Mince” and prefer “Zut”, “Flûte” and even “Merde” (though prefer “crotte”, but it is hardly in use).

Do not start sentences with “no,” “I know” (you will seem more friendly).

Do not use “sur” everytime, instead of “à” (eg, “Je suis à Paris” and not “Je suis sur Paris”), do not use “to” instead of “of” (“c’est le frère de Veronica”, not “c’est le frère à Veronica”).

Never say “he” or “she” in the presence of the person: name.

Don’t say “Ouais” or “Nan”, say “Oui” or “Non”. Similarly, don’t say “Chais pas”, but “Je ne sais pas.”

The men wear at the pool or at the beach swimsuit Bermuda shorts (maillot short), they should outlaw the pair of underpants (le slip).

Men should not put their hands in their pockets; it could deform them, and then you can never know what is happening there.

When you are suffering, physically or morally, do not go anywhere, do not inflict your miasma to others.

Be aware of the very high probability that if you say bad things about someone, he or she will eventually know and find the origin. Refrain therefore in most cases, prefer the murderer silence.

Blow your nose and discreetly store your handkerchief by folding, without looking at what you have let there. When you sneeze or yawn, put your hand over your mouth.

It is good to spend Christmas with family, while the first of the year is reserved for friends.

Avoid biting your nails, sign of weakness and nervousness. More you eat your nails and more you will have sausage fingers. It is the same for the small skin around the nail. Keep your extremities intact, they could be useful later… If you cannot refrain from biting yourself, at least do not swallow it.

The rule not to do any piercing remains is in use for every parts of the body (except the ears), including the nose, tongue, navel, nipples or the lips (the big ones).

Give to your neighbor the bread basket, never directly take one piece to give him.

Avoid sucking noises and pasta when you invite. Be very careful not to spray yourself some sauce, which is often impossible.

Be polite with the house staff or waiters. They will serve you better.

Never complain, it is a very bad thing.

Invited to a meal, remember that you must eat all the food. If certain foods make you vomit, take some and give it discreetly to the dog of the house if there is one, unbeknownst, or hide them under your utensils. The role of the hostess however, is to know your food allergies.

Never finish a dish, unless you are prayed and after many polite refusals, after many passing the buck, etc. This is true for the last oyster on the plate, the last slice of foie gras, etc.

Be polite and pleasant all the time.

The child has an absolute respect for adults. Adults often use politeness to maintain some distance with their interlocutor. More sociocultural difference exist, more the politeness must be affirmed.

Leave a symbolic tip in a café, a restaurant, or when you take a cab. It is usual, even if you no longer have to apply the 10% rule, at least in France. The few times when you cannot leave a tip is when you really want to punish a cad or dishonest behavior against you.

In a family (home or friend), be sure to replace the possible “PQ” roll that you have just finished with the reservation. We prefer the use of “toilet paper” rather than “PQ”.

Choose names like Louis, Francis, Edward, Philip, well, names of kings or great men of this world. Give between three to five names to your children, and do not hesitate to use the “Marie”, even for a boy, to place him under the protection of the Virgin. The names such as Nathan Job, Edith, etc. are connoted thus not recommended.

Do not hesitate to give your turn when you are in a queue (supermarket or other), especially for a client who only has two products when you have a full cart. Do not forget to do it with a smile. Do not hesitate, in the absence of deep appreciation you can say an audible “you’re welcome!” to the rude.

When you have not heard, do not say “Quoi?” or “Hein?” but “Comment?” or “Pardon?” or better “Je vous demande pardon?”. Sometimes you can ask “can you repeat the question please?”… a slight nod of the head, or an eyebrow can be enough to revive your partner.

When you are hosting a reception, make sure the buffet is not out of alcohol, and there is enough toilet paper in the bathroom, and soap and towels are present.

Following an invitation, call the person you received the next day to thank her. Otherwise send him a little thank you card. Or an email, take advantage of modern technology. Do not hesitate to do so, you would be surprised by the rarity of this act and your host will feel gratitude.

For a man, outlaw being late with women. For a woman twenty minutes are tolerable, but she will have to say to her companion that she is really sorry. Between a man and a man, accuracy is the politeness of kings.

You may laugh, but avoid the trumpeting, or whinny. Prefer smiling. In some families, too big events such as laughter are almost unwelcome, as it is fashionable to take everything with cynicism and second degree humour.

Always offer an odd number of roses.

Never sauce your plate. If really, you can gently take a piece of bread, planting your fork in and sauce. Do not take your plate in your hands and lick it directly, only dogs can do so.

If the servants take care of you specifically, wash your clothes or wax your shoes for example in a hotel, let them when you leave, in a small envelope, a “tip” in cash.

Do not stretch out your hand first to someone older or “superior”. Wait until he does it first. Also, do not crush the hand of your partner, nor have a soft hand, nor fingertips. The handshake should be firm and straightforward.

Boys wearshorts. The stringvestsare to be avoidedexceptDamart when cold weather.It is unseemly(ievulgar) toreveal avestor poloin the openingofa collaropen shirt.

Do not be a bad player, stay calm, do not get excited. Be fair-play. Do not say “Oh, how lucky you are!” during a coup even hazardous of your partner, but “Well done.” In some extreme cases, in sport or games, let your partner win if you see that it really makes him feel a big pleasure.

Make sure, when giving the dish, to respect the protocol of women before men, and of the most important people in the hierarchy. Ladies first (except a member of the clergy), the oldest to youngest (excluding children : the latest), and also the proximity with those who receive (example: young woman of 22, a friend of the son of the family, pass before old 40 years cousin) and men (cross age and distance too). The hierarchy will be indicated by the table plan which has to be respected, special guests being placed alongside the hosts, to the right of the hostess for the guest number one man on her left for number 2 . Same for the woman invited number 1, to the right of the master of the house, etc. More you are far from the host and more you fall down in the hierarchy.

Do not call before 9am, nor after 9pm, as well as the alleged mealtimes. When you call someone, introduce yourself at first, state your identity and only then ask to speak to the desired person.

It is recommended, in the case of a wireless telephone, in a call from the outside, to only respond to tell the speaker to call again later, or that we call him back that very evening. If the telephone conversation is absolutely necessary, go into another room to do not disturb your guests, and shorten the conversation to a minimum. Do not, of course, speak loudly nor involve the whole world in your conversation, modern technology performs miracles in terms of sound quality.

Do not use the word “toilet” or “crappers” or “WC”. Prefer terms like “down the hall”, “where even kings go alone,” the “wawas”, “little corner”, “throne”, or the “cheugueudeugueux.” For the open fly, “the little bird will come out.”

Make sure of course, when you’re a man, to lower the window and flush the water before you leave. Do not hesitate, whenever possible, to leave the toilet as clean if not cleaner than when you arrived.

Always ensure that the glasses of your table neighbors are filled with water or wine. When the glass is empty, offer them before you serve yourself (same for bread, salt …)

When you move into a place, it is customary to invite your neighbors in the first few weeks, just to pretend to know each other. Also to identify harmful and those to who you can possibly borrow a corkscrew.

Avoid sudden driving, do not you turn macho driving, do not swear, do not honk at everything, do not be impatient.

Open the door to your passenger, offer her your arm to help to go out of your car.

When you park, do not glue the cars in front and behind, let them a little space to leave. Just to avoid reprisals.

Always “vouvoyer” people when you do not know and you do not have mutually and expressly authorized the familiarity. Age criterion?

When one helps you or provide a service, do not forget to make a gift to thank the person for his kindness.

Always introduce to the person, the most “important” first. Example: (mom) I introduce to you my friend (name) ; (name) this is (mom). Male to female, young to old …

The art of kissing of hands: for men, it is not only to stoop and pretend to kiss her hand, he needs to touch her lips. Pay attention not to raise the hand of the person you kiss: it is you who you tilt it up. Way for a man to greet a woman, with the exception of young unmarried girls (except if old girls) or members of the immediate family. To be used exclusively indoors, never in public places, with the exception of private gardens, or places such as horse races at Longchamp and some places exclusively for members of high society.

Send your condolences to the friends and relatives who lose a loved one, move to the funeral or religious ceremony if possible.

Dinners in place, do not try to change positions. The art of placement at the table is a hostess’ thing.

Never turn your back on your neighbors when you’re at the table. Stand up straight. You are not a mollusk or overcooked noodle. Do not drag their feet. Overcome the weight of your body.

If, unfortunately, you have children without being married, do not hesitate to marry later, it will be better than nothing.

When you have guests at your place, even for one night, supply towels and washcloth. Ask them what they want for breakfast. If you give them a room, always tap on the door and ask your guests permission to enter. Strictly respect the privacy of your guests and promote their welfare.

With the relative lapsed straps, adjust a belt on your pants.

Never forget the credo “thank you”, “please”, “hello” in all circumstances. Do not forget the “I’m sorry”. According to the caller, specify “Mr., Mrs., first name.” Do not hesitate to learn those words in the language of every country you visit. Do not say “sir, lady.”

Freshen your breath, avoid garlic for a tryst.

The neighbor at the table should help the woman to sit on her chair, in two movements: he goes behind the chair of the neighbor, take it back for her to sit, then he approaches it of the table once seated, so it is the right distance.

The men sit after the women.

The knives are placed to the right of the plate, blade facing the plate, and the forks to the left, back curved outward. The glass of water is placed to the left of the wine glass.

Do not take your head to the food, but your elbow goes up and approach the fork or spoon to your mouth. While you are likely to spill the contents doing, it forces you to take smaller portions. The head and back should remain straight.

Share your conversation with your neighbor equally between the right and the left one. When you talk to one of them only turn your head and not your shoulders, don’t turn your back on your other neighbor. Avoid shouting across the table if it is too big.

Never start eating (not even putting your hands over the utensils) until everyone was served and following the hostess. If she is distracted, casually ask permission to attack your plate before it cools.

Always let the couch to the woman, or the most comfortable seat. Let her also the seat that has the best view.

Learn how not to talk about your work unless you are asked questions about it, consider your work as a necessary evil that there is no need to discuss in private. Book your possible occupational stress at specific times, one-on-one and when you are sure you do not disturb your interlocutor.

Glass is taken by below (but not by its foot). Do not take it with both hands but gently. A cup is held by its handle.

Never disregard the wishes, it is a mandatory exercise or almost, just like you send your greetings to those you sent you some.

Respect others, do not always do “like at home”. Be alpha but not a big uncouth. Make good use of your knowledge… follow the law, do not harass, etc.

Remember that people who have good manners will never tell you what to say, or do, or what you should not have said or done: it would not be right, exactly. But trust them to notice it and tell others.

Let’s be clear. Obtaining from others everything you wish, on a simple order or a simple thought, that does not exist. On the other hand, becoming more convincing, so that you have more influence, is a real and accessible to everyone power.

The general method consists in persuading the manipulated that it is from him that comes the idea of the action to do; and especially to make him do a small step in that way. By nature, the man is congruent with his actions and will be made to continue what he believes having started by himself, even sometimes until his own destruction. The method of the good feelings is perfectly suited. It is necessary to think emotion and not logic.

Technique 1: the foot in the door

In fact, asking for a small favor to somebody is a good way to set up a “dynamics” of persuasion.

Technique 2: the door in the nose

The trick rests on the power of the human guilt. When you face the answer NO, you present the second request which is more reasonable (which is the real one from the start of course).

Technique 3: the principle of the delusion

The reason why the principle of the delusion works is because the person accepts the initial idea which is a very attractive offer. In the mind of this person, the “deal” has already been sealed. Then, you say that the promotion is not any more on the agenda, that you had forgotten this detail, and ask people if they still want to buy.

Technique 4: the error not so innocent

The key of the success is that the good points, which are promised at the beginning of the process of persuasion are real. Mask only the negative details and not the key elements of your proposal. Reveal them only when the target has already taken his(/her) decision.

Technique 5: an offer that nobody can refuse

After having made a speech on the fact that the proposal is good, you submit the request. But before the public has a chance to react, the announcer interrupts himself and adds: ” But wait, that’s not everything! We are going to offer you in addition XXX … ”

Technique 6: and what if we became friends

The creation of a link can also be the method to be used to get what you want. Tell to the person that you respect her. You can also use a common objective, such as the success of a project or your mutual desire to please the employer. There are several techniques for that purpose including the introduction of the positive (“my dear friends”, “dear fellow countrymen”) either to show some respect (sincere or calculated), for the target, or still to speak the language of the listener (who so finds his habits there), or creating some hope (Napoleon would have said that the leader is the one who is capable of selling some hope)…

Technique 7: fear then relief

When you set up a clear and urgent danger for the person, it makes more than simply draw the attention. But to be effective in the use of this technique, it is necessary to create this state of emergency by the fear. Then, you have to offer immediately the relief to this fear.

Technique 8: the red scarf

Example of a divorce in which we insist on having such precise object then at the last moment we pretend to give up reluctantly as compensation of something else (that we wanted in fact since the beginning). The other part will give it to us by thinking they have won.

Technique 9: the look

One of the secrets of a powerful look: the fixedness of the eyes. The exact point where we have to fix the subject is between both eyes or in the nose root.

Technique 10: body movements

As well as the look, the hands are powerful sources of magnetic influence. Manage your fingers towards her temples and you will facilitate her putting under hypnosis.

Technique 11: the foot in the mouth

The manipulator uses inquiring formulae of politeness with the aim of bringing a positive answer. For someone healthy: How are you?

Technique 12: the touch of the forearm

It is surprising but by touching the forearm without provocation (avoid the fixed look), we obtain afterward more easily what we want.

Technique 13: even tiny, your participation is welcome

Another technique which allows on average to obtain more than if we had said nothing.

Technique 14: classify emotionally the manipulated

A collector of the red cross would say: “your pharmacy is tidied up well, we see well that you like taking care of people”.

Technique 15: anecdotes and metaphors

Simply because they arouse the emotion, create images and by-pass the critical reflection. Funny stories, sad; anecdotes, proverbs, metaphors and quotes…

Technique 16: the double constraint

Suggest to your child choosing to go to bed either at 7:30 pm, or at 8 pm. He will probably choose the second possibility… And will go to bed with fewer difficulties than if you had compelling him to go to bed at 8 pm!

Technique 17: the chain of constraints

Example: you are not maybe not brave enough to understand my point of view…
This method leads the receiver to accept or to refuse in the run-up both ideas at the same time…

Technique 18: the humor

“Once you made people laugh, it means that they listen to you, and you can then tell them more or less anything.”

Technique 19: the choice of the terms

Certain terms have similar effects for everybody. “Love” and “freedom” have generally a positive effect. “Pain” and “detention” the opposite effect. This emotion leads to suspend the critical reflection!

Technique 20: the driving

It begins with a valid or demonstrable premise. If the target accepts this premise, it’s the first step. To convince of the validity of a sentence, the persuader will say “let’s face things, let’s be honest, that is why, as an expert, I etc.”. The persuader can then move on to less certain premises. Example: the paleontologists reveal that dinosaurs went out without human intervention, and we know that the human beings are not either responsible for the disappearance of the other animal species.

Technique 21: the questions

… Help to reveal the objective of the persuader as being an idea coming from the ” target”: do you want to sit down? Can you tell me your childhood?, etc.
… Can create some confusion if they are too much complicated or asked too quickly, so producing a certain anxiety, itself reducing the critical reflection. The persuader answers it then, reducing this anxiety while giving to the answer a not criticized value.
… Can contain new ideas or suggestions: why do you want a new car? askes the seller to the person who has hardly just addressed him and who does not really know what to choose…

Technique 22: the missing words

Create a sentence containing only one part of an alternative. ” It is obvious that this computer is much better!” The “target” will then be driven to wonder better than what? With regard to which other one… etc.

Technique 23: the missing information

The fact of not evoking a subject can persuade that it does not exist, so avoiding any discussion…

Technique 24: absolute

A vulnerable “target” will be attracted by absolute (“always”, “never”) which propose an end while destroying any possibility of debate. The terms “must” or “must not” also imply a kind of absolutism.

Technique 25: the reduction in the absurd

Very interesting and quasi-unstoppable method (we can only counter it by changing the level of the discussion): Take any idea and with a little of imagination push it to a logical extreme.

Technique 26: from the general to the particular and conversely

If we give you an example, say that it is only about a particular case. If we propose you a theory or an idea, say that it is too general.

Technique 27: the layout

Write a title, very big and very fat, which announces a “fact” (in reality, the propaganda which you wish to spread). Then a long article, complicated, possibly contradictory with the title, between very crunchy pages of advertising.

Technique 28: figures

This “technique” is a variant of the method of the authority, which uses the prestige of The Science. And when we show you a beautiful curve, what you can answer?

Technique 29: the choice of the words and their definitions

Example: our more and more evolved democracies, replace “video surveillance” by “video protection”.

Technique 30: “you are free of” makes slave

Paradoxically, the fact of feeling free of our choices leads us to accept more easily a request, because we are convinced that this choice is really ours. This method is also used to strengthen the effects of the “feet in the door” and other techniques.

Technique 31: “a little bit is better than nothing”

This kind of small sentence, “even a centime will be enough”, have the effect of increasing the impression that the organization really needs this money to be ready to content with so few.

Technique 32: the touch (brush)

In the experience of the students in statistics, Nicolas Guéguen proposes three tracks: The touch of the teacher increases the self-confidence of the student, either it leads him to validate himself by accepting more favorably his request, or still, it confers him a more positive mood which favors the access to a request.

Technique 33: the labeling forces to the action

The labeling (example: “you are brave”) allows the pupils to weave a link between their acts and what they are. It is interesting to create this link when the act goes in the direction of what we expect from them. They interiorize the idea that it is in their nature to be brave. They are thus more inclined to realize acts which imply their courage. This technique revealed that it had a bigger educational efficiency than an usual persuasion.

Technique 34: the repetition

For Zajonc (1968), “The simple repetition of a stimulus is enough so that it is gradually positively perceived” (advertising phenomenon, songs on the radio, faces of future stars or politicians…). Zajonc talks about “the familiar unknown”.

Technique 35: the feelings

The works showed that the emotional argumentations had more influence but all the feelings have not the same effect, example: the fear. Furthermore, there are nuances to be made on the emotional intensity of the message (ex, campaigns of road safety) :
– Message with intense fear: 8 % of change of behavior
– Message with moderate fear: 22 % of change of behavior
– Message with low fear: 36 % of change of behavior

According to Girandola (2003), who worked on this type of studies, the intense fear has effects on the opinions but not on the behavior. If the message frightens, it can engender defensive behavior such as the refusal of the information by the denial or a loss of credibility of the source.

Technique 36: the bombardment of love

We create a pseudo-family feeling and of membership by the embrace, the emotional demonstrations and the flattery. It is very effective because the individual feels at once taken in a new family, welcoming, etc. while the outside is demonized.

Technique 37 : The invention of words

The invention of words is a very useful technique. It allows to impose to the individual a particular language and, therefore, a particular thought (because we think with words). It also allows to give to concepts as old as the hills an appearance of novelty and change.

Technique 38 : The prediction of arguments

This technique is extremely useful in propaganda as in mental manipulation. It consists in predicting in advance the arguments of the opponents and in warning the listener that he will hear these arguments.

Technique 39 : The urgency

It prevents the man from thinking. This method is called “problem-reaction-solution”. We create at first a problem, a “situation” planned to arouse a certain reaction of the public, so that this one is himself an applicant of the measures whom we wish to make him accept.

Technique 40 : The gradation

To make accept an unacceptable measure, it is enough to apply it gradually, in “gradation”.

Technique 41: the deferred

Another way of making accept an unpopular decision is to present it as “painful but necessary”, by obtaining the agreement of the public in the present for an application in the future. It is always easier to accept a future sacrifice than an immediate sacrifice. At first, because the effort is not to be supplied at once. Then, because the public always tends to hope naively that “everything will be better tomorrow” and that the wanted sacrifice can be avoided in the end. Finally, it leaves some time to the public to become used at the idea of the change and accept it resignedly when the time will come.

Technique 42: the infantilisation

The more we shall try to cheat on the spectator, the more we shall adopt a childish tone. Why? If we talk to someone as if she was 12-year-old, then, because of the suggestibility, she will have, with a certain probability, a reaction so deprived of critical faculty like a 12-year-old person.

Technique 43: the truth is in the eyes

The movement of eyes is a lie detector.
– If you ask to your interlocutor what he did this weekend, eyes will go up & on the left because he remembers images already seen “visual remembering”.
– If you suggest to him not to think of reaching his goal or speak to him about a new spatial car, eyes will go most of the time up & on the right, he will build mental images relative to ever seen scenes, it is the “built picture”.
– If you speak about an already heard song: on the left in the horizontal (summit nose) what is a “hearing to remember”, your target remembers already heard sounds.
– When you ask her to sing some rap version Cabrel, she has to build her version mentally, eyes go on the right it is “hearing build”.
– By the used words, we hurt emotionally the interlocutor, the look goes down & on the right, she will feel sensations or feelings, positive or not: kinaesthetic.
– If they go down & on the left, it is the internal dialogue, she speaks to herself in her head.
If you ask somebody where he was the night of a murder and if the eyes are not going up & on the left (to remember) but rather up & on the right (built) then there are two possibilities: conductive inverted system (left-handed person), or lie.

Technique 44: the anchoring

Let’s imagine that you have already touched three times the shoulder of your target when she laughed. If now, you touch her shoulder in the same way as you touched her three times previously, she will feel the same feelings as when she laughed, when you put your anchor. All this, only by touching the shoulder (in other words, you have just sounded the bell without offering to her any food, but you nevertheless make her salivate as the Pavlov’s dog). It is only a normal reaction, her unconscious being used “to laugh” when you touch her shoulder, the same reaction occurs. Numerous seducers use the anchoring and some even place various anchors on their target, to make reappear various feelings (an anchored point of laughter on the shoulder, an anchored point of excitement on the elbow, an anchored point of romanticism on the hand, etc.)

But the anchoring isn’t limited to body movements, it can also adapt itself to the words. Let’s take the example of the sentence “I love you” which provokes at a large number of people, a sometimes disproportionate reaction. The same reflex can take place with other words, for example, if you are in connection with a girl for some time, whisper her in the ear a word that you usually tell her only during the intimate moments.

The anchor has to be the most unique possible :
It is the basic rule – If the gesture you used has nothing extraordinary and if you use it every day, there will be no association. Act differently, you can change your intonation, for example.

The anchor must be reproducible:
If you put an anchor that you can never reproduce, that will be useless. You have to manage to get closer as much as possible to the original anchoring as you wish to use the anchor, otherwise it will be much less effective.

During the anchoring, anticipate:
The anchoring is not immediate, is needed some time so that the information joins the subconsciousness. So, if you put the anchor at the height of a very strong emotion, it will be associated at the time of the decrease of this emotion, but it is not what you try to do, right? So, try to plan her feelings and get ready.

Anchors disappear:
They are not eternal. After a while (which depends on the intensity of the sensation) either after a too frequent use, the anchor risks not to work anymore. Think of renewing it.

Technique 45: the hypnosis

With questions, you make a person feel a feeling. Feeling that she will associate with you afterward. Everything that we want to make a woman feel (attraction, desire, fascination) is an internal process she manages with her body and her brain. You only have to ask questions which will bring her to use her body and her brain, and she will associate you with these sensations. Take a book on this subject if you are interested.

Detect somebody who lies:

– Looks away when he answers a question.
– Answers with the affirmative or the denial then tells you exactly the opposite.
– The communicator “avoids the question”, “clouds the issue”, evades or diverts.
– The person pouts a brief moment.
– He waits a moment before answering.
– The communicated information is partial: it is the lie of omission.
– The person mixes the tenses in his sentences.

Advise for all your problems in the future:

Know that a well asked question is half solved. For example : Freud « What do women want ? » => « How can we make them react favorably ? »

How to talk to her effectively?

a)    The chat

You must be able to improvise a little. The chat is very important. It is : to be funny, original and confident. This is avoiding boring topics (religion, politics, personal problems, money), and trying to see if you have points in common with her (education, interests, hobbies). Create a link as soon as possible! Observe the politicians!

b)    The timetag

The technique is used in two stages. First, during the conversation, you must explicitly mention an activity that you can do together and watch her reaction which will indicate her level of interest in this activity. If she responds positively, then you know that this activity would be a good potential date if she reacts negatively: you have to try again later with another activity.

c)    The sexualisation

You usewords like :sensuality,eroticism, desire, welfare, heat, momentout of time, violentattraction,desire, life, passion, fusionof the bodies…You aretactile.You makeinnuendo.You cannot beconfused with a”friend.”

d)    The silences

The obsession of a man seducing a girl can be “especially avoiding the break in theconversation.” Focusing on it, means forgetting all the things that actually create attraction in the conversation. But when you are with your good friends, your family, friends, etc … a moment of silence is seen as normal.

e)    The points of view

“Talking like her” is simply taking back to your account the ideas she likes the most. During your appointment, you will discuss many topics. Before giving your opinion on some of them, wait until she expressed her opinion, to resume it (rephrasing) a few minutes later.

f)     The synchronization

1) The synchronization of the movements :

At first, you repeat her movements, then you do them at the same time until she is reproducing your gestures. You became the leader of the discussion: you have the possibility to choose a direct or an inverted synchronization!

Creating some rapport means that the target is comfortable in our presence: she is not on her guard. We must act in a certain order. If your target moves her foot with a regular frequency, repeat this rhythm like tapping on your thighs with fingers. To attract a partner, you should copy her body position. Your attitude should reflect hers. When you are experienced, you can even copy your breath, your voice, etc.

2) The verbal synchronization :

The verbal synchronization comes from the same synchronization acceptance than the synchronization of the movements. It covers both the rate of speech, the power of the voice and its height (rather severe or acute for example) and the formulation used.

If you synchronize at the verbal level, you speak the language of the other:
– Vocabulary based on the main system of the target (VAK)
– Level of language;
– Subjective vision of the world, you know the person.

I go into a store to buy a computer and because I do not understand much, I want it to be Windows XP like on my old PC.

A) Failed synchronization:
“Hello, I want a computer with a large disk space because I download a lot of movies.” Seller: “We have this PC 40GB with a HD player and a superb integrated webcam I personally use and it is awesome!”
“40 what? I do not speak this language … I would use XP because it is easier for me.”
Seller: “Wow, this is old-fashioned, take at least Windows Vista or Windows 7, it will be nice to browse!” What a mistake! Compare this with a successful synchronization.

B) Successful synchronization:
“Hello, I want to buy a computer with a good disk space for watching movies.”
“Hello, you want to buy a computer? I suggest this one, disk space is large and you so can download many movies.”
“Very good and I would like to use Windows XP because it is easier for me.”
“This computer comes with Windows Vista but XP also works on it, we have it in CD-Rom, and I agree with you: it is easier.”

Reformulation:
This helps the creation of trust.

Reformulation verbatim:
“Hello I would like some information on this offer …”
“Hello, you would like information about our offer …”

Reformulation questioning and reformulation word for word in question form:
“Hello, I would like information on this offer …”
“Hello, so you want information about our offer …?”

A point reformulation is to take only the last words:
“Hello, I would like information on your offer …”
“… information on our offer?”

Reformulation interrupted, your partner will finish the sentence:
“Hello, I would like information about your …”; “Hello, you want information …”; “Yes, it is about your offer …”

The reformulation reframing:
It slightly changes the game, using other words than the interlocutor in order to make him understand that we understood what he meant. This can amplify the positive elements and helps transitioning effectively.

By modifying the data:
“I would like information on …”
“You want to know more about …”

Amplifying the positive:
“Hello, I was not very happy with my second order, but the two last made me happy.”
“Soyou werevery happy withour last twoorders!Know thatwe have a newsystem for processingorders I’ll show you …”

3) The not verbal synchronization:

It is the fact of sync on other things than words or body language:
– The volume of breathing ;
– Speed, flow, volume, tone of voice (do not overdo it!)

g)    Keywords

You must detect keywords in her speech, and then reuse them in your own phrases so she things that you understand her perfectly. Try to notice changes in her intonations – it will tend to focus on keywords. Locate her turns of phrase.

h)    Creation of feelings

These are feelings or messages that you need to create and make your target feel, describing a situation (eg the pleasure one feels when listening to music or eating chocolate). Adaptable to the desire to have a relation with you.

i)      Her wished values

You must go through three stages:
– Discover her Value Mask (eg tall boys).
– Questioning to discover her Desired Value (eg sense of security).
– Creating a link between you and DV.

j)      Ears

If you want to touch the sentimental side of the girl, you must speak to her in the left ear. If you want to make her see reason, or persuade her, you should rather aim right ear.

k)   No to « no »

If you ask her to go to the movies, for example, it is better to opt for “Wanna go to the movies?” Instead of “Oh, don’t you would like to see this movie?” Because in the second case, the message already contains a negation and this will influence her decision.

l)      The bridge towards the future

By pretending that you still will see each other in many months, the one that you are interested in will feel much safer with you, like if you were already close.

m)  The analogical marking

Ex: Did it ever happen to you to fall in love with a totally unknown man? Someone you just met? (with a hand gesture, you discreetly designate yourself.)

n)    The words to be avoided

Using “yes but” cancels everything. It cancels what is after and puts tension in the interaction. The “but” cancels only the words before and highlights the words that come after. The “and” preserves everything. Words to be avoided are : negative terms and those related to a problem because the unconscious does not receive a denial because it receives every word you speak as a direct suggestion that will turn into action as a change in your feelings.

o)    The metaphors

With these stories, which seem simple, you can send a message to the unconscious, without this solution is analyzed by the subject’s consciousness

p)    The proximity bubble

Perhaps you have already noticed or felt that you have been suspicious when a stranger approached too close to you to ask information; you would have preferred that the other person respects your Proximity Bubble. Do not sit in front of the person but in front of and a little on his/her right or left, and in an appropriate distance defined by the nature of your relationship with the target (professional, friendly …).

q)    Some other techniques of communication

Active listening:
To create a relationship of trust, we must be attentive to the information provided on both the conscious level and the unconscious level (verbal, non-verbal, para-verbal). We must calibrate IE observe to collect a lot of information. We must think and act accordingly to adapt the behavior and words. Must be consistent and convey the message effectively.

Indirect statements:
Do not make assumptions or statements that could be considered as such but rather admit that you do not know, or rather not yet… This is the low position “only those who are at the top of the mountain can fall!” The one who controls a situation is the one who knows how to adapt by showing behavioral flexibility!
“I was wondering if … I’m curious … Can you tell me … I would like to …” we ask for something indirectly!
“I was wondering if you could apply a discount on this item”
“I remind you that I have already applied a discount to your first product!”
“I was just sharing with you the question I asked myself, it was in no way a request but a personal question …”

The principle of positive intention:
“Everything has its purpose even if we do not always understand.”
It is a choice of map of the world. You will never know what the person in front of you really think so you can give the benefit of the doubt or better the one of the good intention. Life will so appear to you more beautiful.

Truisms:
State a truism to say something that is obvious “we feel better when we are well installed” or describe something undeniable “you have a red car”. The person cannot disagree. It puts him/her in good condition.

The yes-set:
This is a series of truisms, and then place a direct suggestion in an atmosphere of unconscious acceptance.
“You have changed your tie, black on this dark suit, it was red last week, you’re beautiful. Let’s sign this contract now!”
4 truisms and direct suggestion …

No-set:
This is the opposite of yes-set. A climate of denial is created in her mind.

Nominalizations:
They are vague and uncountable terms used to better speak the language of the other. Liberty, equality, fraternity, curiosity, knowledge, comfort, road, change, light, love, peace, emotion, life … are examples of nominalizations.

Links:
This allows you to link two sentences : interesting because the bonds are a method that facilitates the acceptance of a suggestion by a person : and, then, as well, so, while, …
“This steak is super good, we ate well, so now go and sign the order …” There is no direct link between the two things but hey it works!

The link between cause and effect:
“It is eleven o’clock so I will introduce articles that you like”

The dual-link
It is the choice between two proposals, but in fact it is only an illusion:
“You pay now or in one month?” doesn’t matter ’cause will pay for it.
“Do you prefer the black or the white computer?” doesn’t matter because will take one of the two.
“Want to rent the villa for the weekend or next weekend?” Same thing.

Presuppositions:
This is a subtext to maximize the chances of acceptance.
“When you will order one of our products, please call me before, I have something to tell you.” Here, we mean that the customer will order something. In addition, we play on the curiosity because we will explain something but only after the order… “When you will do this / please do that”

Omissions:
Here, in fact, we do not specify the object of the sentence. This is the other one who should imagine. For example: I think I would agree. Compared to what? Let the subconscious work.

Take a step back:
Put yourself in the shoes of someone who saw the scene from the outside. Get to the point!

 

 

Results of experiments :

– The look helps increasing the rate of acceptance of a request.

– The rarity of a promotion leads customers to take the proposed product.

– The physical appearance of the canvassers increases significantly their effectiveness in obtaining donations: in the minds of people, “what is beautiful is good.”

– The technique of “a little is better than nothing” works well.

– Atypical requests lead more people to seek a better justification therefore it’s a better idea to single out our request to maximize our chances.

– A transgression came true in situation of anonymity, with masks, but disappeared when we had beforehand asked them for their name and their address.

– Male students, who had to deal with the attractive girl interlocutor, have significantly changed their point of views about the educational reforms than students who had to deal with the same interlocutor, but unattractive (no makeup, badly dressed).

– The fear appeals do not have the efficiency that one could give them at first. The subjects who were exposed to messages with the least fear appeals changed the more their attitude.

– Everything is more successful to those who touch their fellows. Success, persuasion, seduction, social domination. Still better : touch reduces social conflict, raises more motivation among students and better management of medicines by patients.

– The rule book seems to be : the act of touching a person is exercised by people who are in a position of dominance. Initiate tactile contact is therefore a way to try to establish an implicit hierarchy. This requires to be confident, but the audacity pays because negative reactions are rare: studies between men and women showed that women always accept the tactile contact (courtesy) from a man and it is almost always the case between two men too, except in the special case of homophobic guys.

 

You understood, these techniques are widely used in the sale. But nothing prevents their use in the context of seduction, where you would sell YOURSELF.