Category: Psychology and communication

It is a concept that I discovered by reading books to try to get me out of my depression, last year. It is in any case a good way to improve our interpersonal communication and understanding of others.

The idea

Nonviolent communication commits us to reconsider the way we speak and we listen to each other, fixing our attention on four elements: the observation of a situation, the feelings aroused by this situation, which needs are linked to these feelings, and finally what we could ask specifically to meet our needs. NVC raises quality of listening, respect and empathy, and created a reciprocal generosity current. Some people use NVC to better understand their own needs, other to deepen a relationship, establish effective working relationships or managing political situations. In many countries, people use it to resolve all kinds of disputes and conflicts.

It is in our nature to love giving and receiving. However, we have learned several forms of “alienating language” that lead us to express ourselves or to behave in an offensive manner with the others and ourselves. One of these forms of alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply that those whose behavior does not reflect our values ​​are wrong or are bad. Another is based on comparisons that can hamper kindness toward ourselves and towards others. The alienating communication also prevents us from being fully aware that everyone is responsible for his own thoughts, feelings and actions. Another bad feature of this type of communication is to communicate his desires as requirement.

In summary

I honestly express how I feel, without making any reproach or criticize :
1) what I observe (see, hear, remember, imagine and put no evaluation in it) that is not contributing to my well-being “when I see, hear, XXX”
2) how I feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) compared to what I see “I feel XXX”
3) how this need affects my values ​​(rather than a preference or a specific action) that awakens my feelings “because I need / I attach importance to”
4) I clearly demand what could embellish/enrich my life without this being a requirement. The concrete actions that I would like “would you like to XXX?”

“When I see that you never suck me, I feel repulsive, because I need you to show me you love my body. Would you be willing to suck me after I licked you? “

I listen with empathy how you feel, without hearing blame or criticism :
1) what you observe (see, hear, remember, imagine without putting your feedback in it) or is not contributing to your well-being “when you see, hear XXX”
2) how you feel (emotion or sensation rather than thought) compared to what you observe “you feel XXX”
3) what you need that affects your values ​​(rather than a preference or a specific action) that arouses your feelings “because you need / you grant importance to”
4) I receive with empathy what could embellish/enrich your life without this being a requirement. Concrete actions would you like to see “would you/would you XXX?”

“If I understand when I tell you that I consider you as my best friend, you feel lousy because you need a good lover fucks you in doggy style. Would you like to come to my house tonight? “

In detail

The first component of NVC is to clearly separate observation and evaluation. When we mix observation and evaluation, our interlocutor risk to hear criticism and to resist what we are really saying. NVC is a dynamic language that discourages frozen generalizations and replaces them with circumstantial observations. We will so more willingly say: “In twenty matches I have never seen Ocampos scoring one single goal” than “Ocampos is a bad soccer player.”

The second component of NVC is to express our feelings. By developing an emotional vocabulary which allows us to clearly and accurately describe our emotions, we can more easily establish a link with others. Showing our vulnerability by expressing our feelings can help to resolve conflicts. Finally, NVC distinguishes the real feelings of words describing thoughts, judgments and interpretations.

The third component of NVC is to identify needs that our feelings stem. The actions and words of others can be triggers, but never the cause of our feelings. Faced with a negative message we can choose to respond in four ways:
– Judging us at fault
– Blaming others
– Identifying our own feelings and needs
– Identifying the feelings and needs that lie behind the negative message from the other

The judgments, criticisms, diagnoses and interpretations on the other are expressions diverted from our own needs and values. When the other heard a criticism, it tends to put all his energy to defend against or attack. Better we can combine our feelings to our needs, the other can better respond with empathy.

In a world where we are often judged harshly when we identify and reveal our need, this can be scary.

By learning to take responsibility for our feelings, we usually go through three phases:
– Emotional slavery where we believe responsible for the feelings of others;
– The execrable phase where we refuse to admit the feelings and needs of others matter to us;
– Emotional release where we hold ourselves our own feelings but not those of others, knowing that we can never satisfy our own needs at the expense of the other.

The fourth component of NVC draws our attention to what enriches our lives and the one of others, and invites us to mutually formulate clear demands. We try to avoid imprecise, ambiguous or abstract formulations and use positive action language by stating that we ask rather than what we do not ask.

The more precisely we express what we want, the more likely we are to get it. From the fact the message we send do not always coincide with what is received, we can learn about ways to know if our message has been correctly understood. When we speak to a group, let’s be particularly attentive to specify the precise nature of the reaction we want. Otherwise, we may initiate unproductive conversations, that make the group waste lots of time.

Requests are seen as requirements where the recipient is convinced he will be criticized or punished if he does not obey. We can help our partners to believe that indeed we express a request and not a requirement, we would appreciate that they access our desires if they are really willing to. The point of NVC is not to change others and their behaviors in order to get what we want. You cannot make someone do what he does not want in fact. That’s to establish relations based on sincerity and empathy which, ultimately, will satisfy the needs of everyone.

Empathy is an imprint understanding of respect for what others live. Instead of offering empathy, we often tend to give advice, to comfort, to give our opinion or expose our feelings. Empathy does require us to do the emptiness in our mind and that we totally listen to each other.

In NVC, whatever the words chosen by the other to express themselves are, we simply listen to his observations, feelings, needs and what he asks. We can choose to paraphrase his words, to show that we understood. Maintaining empathy leaves him a chance to fully express before our attention to find solutions or his comfort request.

We need to be ourselves “full” of empathy to be able to give to others. When we are on the defensive or unable to empathize, we need:
– Either to stop breathing and doing emergency return on ourselves;
– Or howling in CNV that is to say, to express forcefully what happens in us, by applying the principles of NVC;
– Or even to withdraw to give us time to think.

Developing our ability to be empathetic keeps us honest, vulnerable, defuse the risk of violence, a refusal to hear without seeing a rejection, revive a conversation, and even to hear the feelings and needs of a silence. We often manage to overcome the paralyzing effects of psychological pain when maintained a fairly strong connection with someone who can get along with empathy.

It is perhaps in the way we treat ourselves that NVC plays its most important role. When we make mistakes, we can use the grieving process of NVC (ie to satisfy what need we have done this or that mistake) or forgiveness to learn to grow up, instead of imprisoning us in moralistic judgments on ourselves . If we evaluate our behavior in terms of our unmet needs, this is not the shame, guilt, anger or depression that lead us to change, but the genuine desire to contribute to our well-being and the others.

We also cultivate compassion toward ourselves by making the conscious choice every day of our lives, to act solely in the service of our own needs and values ​​rather than duty, for an extrinsic reward or to escape the shame, guilt and punishment. In reviewing all the things we undertake to do without any joy and by changing the words “I need” into “I choose to” : we find more game and integrity in our lives. In seduction, we MUST not do anything. You can make the best game of your life and it’s not going to work. Or the worse, and it will work. The trick is to maximize your chances. So coaches that make you feel guilty by saying that you MUST DO THAT and otherwise it will not work, well, they piss me off.

Criticizing and punishing others are all superficial expressions of anger. If we want to fully express the anger, the first step is to discharge the other from liability, in order to bring our full attention to our own feelings and needs. We have more chances to get what we want expressing our needs than in judging, criticizing or punishing the other.

The expression of anger is done thought four stages:
1 – pause and deeply breathe;
2 – identify the judgments that come to mind;
3 – be aware of our needs;
4 – express our feelings and unmet needs.

Maybe that, between steps 2 and 3, we will choose to show empathy to the other to allow to better listening to us when we express our demand 4. But we are never really angry because of the act of another one, since the feelings are in ourselves. We can be angry only if one is predisposed to it, if it is the straw that broke the camel. Often one is angry against each other because one is mad at himself for something.

It is necessary to take time to learn the process of NVC, and also to apply it.

In situations that leave no room for communication – in case of imminent threat for example – we can sometimes be persuaded to use force in a protective purpose. The intention is then to avoid injury or injustice, never to bring individuals to suffer, to repent or to change. The repressive use of force tends to generate hostility and build resistance to the behavior that one seeks to generate. The punishment begins the accuracy of reporting and self-esteem, and focuses our attention on the consequences of the act by forgetting the original intention. Blame and punishment do not elicit the motivations that we would like to inspire the other.

NVC fosters a new relationship to ourselves by helping us to translate our negative thoughts into feelings and needs on which one can act. Our ability to identify our own feelings and needs, and to consider them with empathy can free ourselves from depression. We have then to realize that, in any circumstances, we always have a choice. As we learn to focus on what is close to our heart rather than our failures or those of others, NVC gives us the means and clarity necessary to maintain a calmer state of mind. Finally, professional psychological counseling or psychotherapy may also use NVC to establish a genuine and reciprocal relationship with their patients.

The usual compliments often take the form of judgments, as favorable as they are, and are sometimes spoken to influence the behavior of others. NVC invites us to share what we appreciate, just for fun. We state:
– 1) the action that has contributed to our well-being;
– 2) the particular need we felt and that was satisfied;
– 3) the feeling of contentment born of the satisfaction.

“When you took the time to suck me until the end and you’ve swallowed my cum, I felt fully satisfied because I needed to feel totally desirable, so I flat in a nirvana like Kurt Cobain . “

When we receive a thank this way, we can accommodate without experiencing feelings of superiority and without false modesty, we rejoice with the person offering her gratitude.

For going further

To learn more about this concept, I advise you: Words are windows (or they are the walls) and Healing: stress, anxiety and depression without drugs or psychoanalysis.

“A real man doesn’t cry.” Have you ever heard this phrase? What do you think about it?

Some say a too sensitive man is not really a man. It is a cliché to say this, but this image dies hard. Take the example of our dear friend James Bond: some think that a real man must do like him and not feeling (or showing) emotions.

This is wrong, of course. Emotions have an important role in the lives of women and men. Trying to turn off your feelings would generate many problems. Although the idea seems attractive, it is not necessarily a good one. And crying, except cleaning the eyes, it is also useful to set yourself free from negative emotions buried in you : some are liberating tears.

What are emotions?

The emotions we feel have an impact on our physiology. Emotions are, simply put, related to the levels of certain hormones. An emotion alone can speed up your heart beat even if the rest of your body doesn’t move! Via adrenaline, for example. Another example: breathing speed up under stress, some even hyper-breakdown in case of huge stress. Some even have dizziness or even vanish due to a strong emotion. More positive: pupils dilate when feels interest or pleasure, etc. These signals help us to survive. Fear, for example, puts us in a state of flight or fight. Emotions allow our bodies to get in condition to react to a given situation.

The big problem is that sometimes, just imagining, thinking again about, or dreaming of a situation is enough to trigger the corresponding emotions and sometimes the physiological responses. For example: my anxiety attacks. It’s mostly in preconscious I imagine a catastrophic situation. I start feeling bad without really understanding why, then I say to myself that I have a health problem, and here we go : anxiety attack.

Emotions also help making not obvious (or easy) decisions. E.g. they make you feel smothered in a toxic relationship. Even if you do not manage to put the words on why you “feel” there’s probably still something wrong. If you act against your values ​​or your happiness, emotions sound in one way or another tje alarm to tell you it is time to redress the balance.

Whether we wanted it or not, verbally or not, we express things. You cannot not communicating. We communicate through our emotions. That’s why it is so difficult to bluff when we play poker. There are too many muscles on the face, some of them very difficult to control (you do not even know that most of them exist), which only serve to transcribe our emotional state. There are dozens of micro-expressions as, for example, those that The Mentalist tries to recognize to see if someone is lying or not (yet need to know what to look for).

We are all equipped with unaware sensors that allow us to understand if our partner is angry, happy, sad, scared, excited, etc. Sometimes even we react without consciously saying to ourselves “hey, he is scared him”… but we still adapt. We just adapt our behavior in the most profitable way to our interests. The communication of emotions is two-way, the control is very delicate, and we all react to emotions that are communicated. Where from the principle of contagion of emotions: being sexually aroused, being relaxed and confident, or simply being happy: it is unconsciously on your face. And it influences the chicks reactions ( more often positively).

How to manage our emotions?

Some emotions are repressed by the socio-cultural environment, or the fixed ideas of our parents or friends. It is often difficult, but it is most of the time useful to put into words our feelings to be able to act in the best way to feel good. Why keeping buried in us something that eats us from the inside? But on the other hand, how to get rid? Sometimes it’s repressed; too, we do not even know why it is like that. Sometimes we reproduce a diagram. Well, I am not a psychotherapist so I cannot tell you more about how to heal emotions that hurt us. Instead, I will tell you about how to use them constructively in your game.

I prefer using the “emotional contagion” to motivate, charm, excite, help and even make shameless people around me. When I give a fuck about people, I try to pay attention to the signals they send me and to my feelings during interactions. Exchange is always more beneficial to both parts. In addition, it is better calibrated and more sincere.

I remember when I started to conclude at most of my dates, I had a simple technique. I did not try to talk about me. Nor to sell myself. I was just trying to get them talking about them, get them talking about light stuff, without fuss. I was trying to avoid the nervous movements and all the stuff that breaks sexual tension. From time to time, I handed a sexual perch to see how they react. If it did not work, I told them they had a dirty mind. If it took, I did it again a little later to put their minds salacious ideas and dirty desires! They often reproached me for not talking enough about me, then: they asked me a question, just listened to the answer and started again talking about themselves. And in the end, they said they felt very comfortable with me and wanted to sleep with me.

Can we always feel “good”?

Well, finally, I’m going to destroy a myth (one more). Would you like to be happy every day? Know that this is impossible. And it would not be a good thing, anyway. We NEED negative emotions (of course not excessively but wisely). We need them because they warn us, warn us of danger and keep us alive as prepare us to react. People who do not feel pain, for example, can burn their hand without even noticing it. Those who do not experience fear (eg if the amygdala is removed) less enjoy security and will be tempted to take unnecessary risks. Thus, their life expectancy is shorter.

Imagine if you were watching the weather and they say that it will be fine tomorrow, when in fact there will be a hurricane: it would not be very useful. And even worse it does not allow you to prepare yourself. You might even be surprised and hurt by the storm.

What is true, on the other hand, is that it is interesting to shield a bit if we are very sensitive. Or working on your empathy if you have a heart of stone. It is important to have a balance. Not being too cold but not too weak either. I have always been a sensitive boy, even VERY sensitive. Like: I love animals, I even save ants in the pool, etc. I have also a lot of empathy, I sometimes suffer with the people for things that hardly affect me. At first the girls have continually disappointed me, hurt me, etc. But with time and experience, I shielded, and now it is them who often get addicted before me. Finally, I am far from being a rock either, a small heart beats under my PUA shield. And it’s not always easy, but I’m proud of it. Proud of keeping this human side, this romantic side, this fragile side. I guess that I will never become arrogant nor contemptuous jerk (some people think I am) I hope someone I’ll stay simple and accessible. All this to say that yes, it helps to shield a little, when one is too sensitive, it helps to regain control. But using the game (or any power) to make people suffer ways means a lot : people who do that are to be pitied because they feel pains and subconsciously want your to suffer and feel as bad as them. Or they are psychopaths. I react differently to my pain and I hope I’ll inspire some : why not rather doing our best making so that others have a little joy? Especially if it does not cost much to us. And then, who knows …? Karma you may pay you back.

It’s been several weeks that I wanted to write about procrastination. But I always found an excuse to do something else: I procrastinated like a bastard. This tendency to postpone what we could do on the spot is one of the most serious obstacles to success.

In other words, whatever you wanna do, your tendency to procrastinate (or not) will help you succeed (or fail).

However, “wanting to do something” is not enough, there are deeper causes for procrastination. Lack of confidence in one of them. We often prefer to hope the problem goes away by itself rather than treating it. However, avoidance strategies always make you still a vague unease. While a saving efforts would help you improve your wellbeing. Otherwise, I would not piss you off with that.

If you are a beginner player and it pisses you off to never make out with chicks, you know you should go out and pick up, to train. However, if you do not, you will try to find excuses to keep internal consistency. The excuses will help you to don’t go for it, with consciousness more or less quiet.

There are three kinds of excuses:
– The lack of time and other non-renewable resources;
– The lack of money and other renewable resources;
-the lack of personnal talent, stuff like “I do not feel good enough to do that.”
Conclusion: “this is not the right time, too bad.” But does exist really a good time to start a better life? Or that the perfect time is… “now”?

If you think you suffer from a lack of personal talent, know that you’ll improve with practice and by eating theory. Yes, in socialization and seduction like in other areas! We all have things to learn and talents to develop! But never be discouraged: you are surely the most severe judge about yourself … so why not judging you able to do what you is think possible for one another guy? Be patient and sympathize with yourself!

I will now address the problem of the lack of money. I rarely spend more than €2 or €3 when I go out practicing pickup. Although now I have a job, I enjoy playing “broke” and construct limited money plans! I find it exhilarating, creative and rebellious. One of our most important resources in life is our resourcefulness! Survival instinct: ON. Seriously, I would surely fuck more chicks if I bought bottles, drink or fags. SHIT NOW ! I prefer the old barter: the girl does something for me and I reward her with lots of orgasms. In any area, offer your services to those who need it and dare to ask for the help of those who can lend you a hand.

Time is a real constraint, on the other hand. We must use it wisely. Select the most important things, those that would provide you the best welfare. Finding one hottie (or more) and having a regular sexual activity, is it important to you? At what point ? Up to you. Tackle what will make a real difference in your life, and go after things.

Make a decision, let’s say … tonight, not next year.

Anyway BRAVO for reading this article until the end. It proves that you feel that something is wrong and you want to change it. It is a very noble goal, wanting to move your ass. So you’re now faced with a choice:
1/ save my blog in your bookmark and take care of your game WHEN THE IDEAL TIME WILL COME. That is to say, probably never. Or come back in six months with a bitter taste in the mouth: you lost a lot of time and sex-opportunities. Or worse, you will lose the contact information of the blog and will try to find me but it will be too late. You will end up on a site full of politically correct advice that will not significantly help you. Remember the truth will piss you off at first, but it will also set you free. Why closing your eyes?
2 / NOW, take the decision to DRAMATICALLY change the course of your love life. For that, I advise you of course my collection of ebooks that is not bad. Give yourself the means to succeed, if you like my conception of the game!

For my part, I finally wrote this article so I am happy and I feel better (like after ejaculating when you’ve been hard all day long). And you, where are you with that?

At one point or another in your pick-up, you have to create comfort (or rapport) with your target. This is a must!

You’ll thus have to unveil a bit, to let her see some reassuring elements about you to no longer be a reckless unknown in her eyes. You will also have to show you’re interested in her, in her in life, to show that you are not a clown nor a narcissist.

The goal is not to make a phase of attraction where you’re being a mysterious badboy that makes her wet then switch in “comfort” mode to become as boring as a soap opera on FR3. No! It is better, of course, to establish proximity with your target without becoming boring.

Staying in the factual, the level zero of the game.

The questioning is the worst approach “What are you doing in life? Where do you come from? Do you come here often? What kind of music do you like? Do you enjoy double penetration?” Between tasteless and dangerous intrusive guy, her heart would swing! Be interested in her emotions rather than facts. For example, “What song would be the soundtrack of your life today?”

There’s subjects I advise against (but then everyone does as he pleases and then in the particular context as in a political rally it’s special): politics, money, religion, all this stuff . It can quickly get out of hand and that doesn’t help sexualization nor to be playful!

This is exciting stuff but you do not want to expound on a topic… you want to go forwar in an interaction with a girl you like! You must choose your priorities in life! Also avoid talking about what can make you look like a dangerous guy: it makes sense, instead, to create a climate of confidence. She already has enough reasons to be wary of you! Dirty womanizer! 😉 No, just kidding, but rather talk about things that make you a human being: your dreams, your ambitions, your desires, your tastes, your fantasies, your memories, your job, etc.

Tell anecdotes, humorous stuff. But do not tell your stories as you would make a statement at the police station! Give rhythm, have flashbacks, etc. Avoid a maximum to be boring… but do not be too weird either. Some classical and some originality!

I find it vulgar to brag. And way too common among men! Remember what they say “a rich doesn’t need to say he is rich.”

Avoid speaking in a monotone tone, do not go flat out. Take the time when you talk, you will sub-communicate that you’re not afraid she leaves before you have finished your sentence. So it’s cool …

Assume to make eye contact when you speak!

Do not get lost in the details, in the factual, emphasize emotions. Talk about your mindset when you lived the anecdote. Make her visualize the story!

Avoid lambda adjectives. Replace them with original synonyms, metaphors, funny images or surprising comparisons. The stories could be about what you saw that night, crazy people you have met, or cool people. About the actual situations, about people around, etc. Your passions like : I love writing, but why?

Exercise 1: 5 identify themes that define you. Try to say why.

Exercise 2: Write in the comments, or in Word, a story telling of an event that marked you and let us live the scene. What about? What marked you. Life is a movie in fast forward but sometimes we make pause times, or we often want to see again some things in thoughts. That is your reserve ofinspiration, lively and precise.

When you tell something to a girl, it’s better if she does active listening: her imagination is running at full speed! She lives the story with you! She wants to know what happened! She is requesting … that’s the goal.

You can ask questions to get her involved, like “you know what you felt when you put the float in the pool while your friends doesn’t?
– Ah hahaha yesssss
– Well here, I felt like that. So, I no longer want to go swimming. ”

It’s better of course if the storytelling allows her to identify with the situation. Warning: we do not practice narcissism but the conversation must instead be a moment of sharing. One can, with care, give her a different light on her own stories…

Bouncing on a story about what she says, finally, allows to find good conversation starter!

Your turn to play !

What is this fucking self-esteem we’re talking about all the time? What is it and on what does it feed?

For Reasoner W.-R: “Self-esteem is the consciousness of the personal value that can be recognized in different areas.”

In other words, is to appreciate your true value. And I stress the word TRUE. Not below as tend to do some of my readers. As to choose, perhaps a little bit superior to reality: it’s good for your mood.

Self-esteem mainly feeds on :
– Your material success (what you undertake)
– Your social success (recognition, feeling appreciated by others)

Obviously your level of self-confidence is related to your self-esteem. The above-mentioned elements reinforce the positive beliefs about yourself: they remind and reinforce it inside you.

All this makes sense … However, and this is a big however (like HOWEVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER) : It is dangerous make your stability depend on external elements.

“Our salvation and loss are in ourselves.” (Epictetus)
“Let’s seek our goods in ourselves, otherwise we will not find them.” (Epictetus)

It is therefore necessary to make a short introspective work to find your freedom and well-being. Try to understand how you operate, your qualities, flaws, strengths, weaknesses, identify your fears in order to overcome them, etc.

The goal is that your confidence will do no more coming-and-going between the moments when you fuck a girl and when a drunk bitch put a rake and makes fun of you.

This introspective work will allow you to be more authentic with yourself and with others, especially women. Basically, you will see more clearly in your life.

Recess strategies and comparisons with other guys will no longer be needed. Most of your limiting beliefs will disappear. You will feel better about yourself…

According to you, what is your real level? Surely higher than what you imagine right now: you can bang more beautiful women! You can make threesomes too! You will no longer need to want to prove anything to anyone. Your interactions become more genuine. And that shit-test “do you say that to all the girls? / does it usually work with the girls that? “will no longer be needed. Maybe it will even make you smile.

The phase of “comfort” in the Mystery Method is neither more nor less than a phase of authenticity. It is therefore essential to please and seduce. At least, if you want to establish real relationships with women, relationships that can lead to healthy and fulfilling relationships. Why not preferring honesty and exchange to small grooming games?

The purpose of embarking on this little work:
– Developing your confidence with a solid foundation, which will be key to your success with women and in other areas;
– Enjoying your success because you have won, I mean the real you, and do not depend on success to feel good.

Why not living better with yourself and with the women who are part of your life? Everyone will be better off. What so tragic have you to hide, really?

 

Examples:

Some struggle against anxiety to approach a woman. If they took a step back on it, they would realize how ridiculous it is. They would say “I’m going for it, I’m not a weak boy!”

Some have been abused by an ex who took them for idiots. They then multiply the fuck-friends because they do not want to give women the control again. They are obsessed by jealousy when they see frequently a woman too. These behaviors disappoint themselves. By identifying them, they will better master them.

Some lie to their partners by having multiple “serious” relationships simultaneously. They therefore also have a lack of conviction and do not assume what they really want. It might be time to take stock of their life, it must be stressful to lie to everyone like that with the fear of being uncloaked.

Some base their pseudo-confidence of the day in alcohol or in a coach but the next day they become introverted again. They ruin their liver… when others go down to the basement bar with a strange and penetrating modjo, dark and terribly sensual. A sexual aura around them accompanies them when they approach women. If they had a history of timid, it is now a distant memory.

To be continued…

I have now here in Lyon several Padawans whose biggest problem is the fear of being conversation-short after two or three minutes of conversation.

Their problem is not even to really be short of it, but they always feel like they will not know what to say after the opener. Nor how to get her attention.

Their interactions that sometimes start at the speed of Usain Bolt often wind like an asthmatic in the Olympic games.

And you ? Have you ever felt frustration when an interaction ends because you do not know what to say? Do you find it embarrassing ?

Below, my advice to fix it. And no I do not limit myself to “if there’s a silence try to kiss her.” Lol.

1 / The Tortoise and the Hare

Most guys take as much pleasure to approach a girl as when they arrive late in the morning to work and are lectured in the office of their boss : they are eager to have done with that disturbing moment.

A natural reaction so : they vomit an opener learned by heart with a rate that could trigger an epilepsy crisis.

Although at first she answers with a smile, if they continue like that they’ll quickly be out of fuel. So: rather let the words come to you rather than talking at the speed of a Kalashnikov, which actually emphasizes your nervousness… certainly normal but communicative.

For example : The singers in the concert talk to the crowd as follows: SLOWLY!

When you kick a girl out of her occupations or her reveries, be intelligible, and do not talk too fast. Being comfortable is contagious too. Your bullets will so do a bigger impact.

2 / Make short

In reality, when we remember our past, we have no sense of time. Your last vacation at the beach might as well have lasted one, two or three weeks : you would absolutely keep the same impression about it.

You will have more benefits and be less likely to be eliminated by making things short and simple. By going straight to the point. Of course : if that is congruent with your body language.

3 / Keep it simple

I always liked simplicity. It has many advantages. In particular: you’re less likely to look like a weird guy like that (a weirdo). But also less likely to make a misstep.

A study conducted by researchers from the Harvard Business School shows that we tend to look for dissimilarities among our interlocutors after only a few minutes of interaction. And since we like what we are, it’s better to do not leave her much time to count our “dissimilarities”. Also, the brains of most people have a certain bad habit to remember more the negative than the positive.

 

Women too

Sometimes I approached the girls and I left a silence. Often, those who are interested try to fill it and there you see all the faults of the AFC. Women are often shy and not used to make efforts. So even if it’s an IOI and we appreciate the effort, it is sometimes a little ridiculous when they do that.

Sometimes they criticize our stuff (to do not have sex with us) but they would do worst if they had to pick up men. What an injustice!

Sometimes after they feel too stupid and send a text message with a little better quality (a little more daring). AFC !!!

 

Damn, it’s almost snowing outside here, windy dehorners a cuckold and the night now falls before the time of going out of work. So you better get right to it than staying in the cold chatting in the street.

10 effective pick up lines

# 1 “Are you straight?
– Yes.
– So would you like to kiss me?
– Why not” Kiss.!

# 2 “You have a nice butt my mare, I want to ride you to win the Irish sweepstakes..
– (She and her friends laugh)
– Relax, it was just a joke …
– Yes I guessed !
– What do we do now ? We kiss?
– (Laughs again) OK let’s go, because I liked your approach” Kiss.!

# 3 “When you’ll get tired of being with your girlfriends, come see me.
– That’s it I’m tired” Kiss !

# 4 “Hi, are you a good kisser?
– Yes” and she damn put her tongue into my mouth and then “do you have got fags?
– No I’m not a smoker.
– Okay good night, it was nice anyway…”

# 5 “Hi, we kiss?
– What for ? “And there without answering I turned her head and KISS.

# 6 “Did you wash your teeth?
– Yes.
– Then we can kiss?
– (No answer) “kiss.

# 7 “Is there still girls that I have not kissed in this club?
– There’s me.
– OK. Do you want to kiss me?
– perhaps…
– Go, let’s give it a try” kiss.

# 8 “Wesh chick, wazup? We make pimp bombs?
– What is your trip?
– If I tell you that it’s a gamble, does it ruins everything ?” One got up and kissed me.

# 9 “Didn’t we already kissed in a club?
– no I don’t think so.
– Well, then we sould do it” Kiss!

# 10 “Do you have vomited tonight?
– no.
– You can kiss then …
– I don’t know, not now.
– Are you not enough drunk or you don’t find me handsome enough?
– I do not know, both.
– Go, I bet you’re gonna the first one to crack.
– Not a chance”I approached her, close, without kissing her. We talked for about ten minutes and sexual tension drove her crazy… She cracked the first one…

Bonus: Do not forget to move on to sleep with them! For example: a girl in the line of a club. “Would you like to kiss me?
– Yes” kiss “second question, have you already made love today?
– no…
– Are you interested?
– Yes … but right now I must join my girlfriends.
– OK, take my number and call me later, plus I just adopted a kitten, you’ll be able to see it.
– Okay, I take your number”.

For more concrete examples of funny and uninhibited pickup, read this ebook.

” You too have the fantasy of the unknown?”
” You too fall only on bad legs? ”
” Have you already made a threesome? ”
“How long since your last orgasm?”
“Do you like doggy style with spanking ?”
etc.

And you, what lines do you use?

On seduction forums, we can often read these vague politically correct advice that invite people to be more natural, “do it simple”, “mostly be natural”, “it just happens between a man and a woman”, “c’mon it’s easy to flirt”and worst of all “just be yourself”. For me, it makes no sense to say that. BE YOURSELF: OK … but the real yourself!

Too much theory kills theory … (but the opposite is true!)

For me, take these tips as invitations to approach the game in a less stressful way (and therefore more effective because stress is our enemy in seduction – some make a mountain of that). It is important to don’t use those advices as excuses to do nothing (“I am myself so I do not approach” … no in this case it is the stress that speaks it’s not you). And it is especially necessary to understand what really means this famous “be yourself”: basically you’re a man with sexual desires so: be yourself and assume them! It is important to don’t misinterpret the message !!!

If one takes away your inhibitions and your bad faith, you already know almost everything, basically! I’m sure ! You probably would be able to fuck a girl per week. I remember friends I introduced to the game who were able to take a phone number or kiss a girl during their first approach. We can say that it’s beginner’s luck or think that this skill is innate somewhere in us. (Anyway this beginner’s luck motivate to continue … I do not know if my friends would be where they are if they did not begin with some success before being rejected a lot). But the problem it’s when the guys start thinking too much about the game…

For example, learning how to recognize indicators of interest… it’s not obvious at first. However, we instinctively have this faculty in us. It’s a question of survival of the species! But it is currently covered by a layer of education and experience that block us (we do not believe in it). Unless you have Asperger’s or spend 10 hours a day on World of Warcraft, you should be able to suspect something when a girl likes you. But when a guy switches into analytical mode and need a comprehensive list of IOI to check before taking initiatives, it unfortunately means that he is not focused enough or present enough in his pickup. He should perhaps start by being in the present moment instead of trying to further analyze the thing. This is not the theory itself I’m criticizing (theory is necessary), but rather the mode of intellectualization some adopt that seems causing too much frustration. In other words, intellectual masturbation will not drain your nuts!

Incidentally, my eyes still hurt a bit when I read on forums that guy is “a beginner in seduction.” Indeed, he may be a young inexperienced player but talking about beginner in seduction seems to me inappropriate … like if the guy was at level 1 of a video game with Mimie Mathy to be gamed to go to level 2 and Eva Green the boss at the end. It’s not appropriate to think that the physical appearance of a bitch will influence the ease with which she spreads the legs or her IQ. These parameters aren’t really related, in practice there’s more ugly girls that are pains in the ass than beautiful chicks (among others because the ugly chicks often dislike their bodies therefore do not like to get naked)!

Sorry but picking up chicks, this is not rocket science unlike creating computers. However, some geeks among my readers master very complicated stuff about the computers but not how to approach a woman. We can complicate the thing with formulas like Mystery for reassurance (or sell) and eventually actually make it difficult … but it is not so difficult in fact. You must demystify seduction! This effectively becomes difficult when you are not confident and when you imagine that it is. Otherwise, how our grandfathers would have seduced our grandmothers knowing that the game did not exist before 1990? This is just a science created to understand a phenomenon like physics studies the world but what is not explained yet exist.

What approach is the most appropriate for learning?

You cannot pretend you are zero : we (almost) all have naturally a number of social skills. Indeed, unless you have been abandoned at birth and raised in the jungle by Baloo, you already know about communicating normally and you have some human qualities. The real challenge is to identify, strengthen them and make the most of it. This well-known by consultants and coaches approach can be effectively applied to seduction.

The opposite approach is to identify what’s wrong to try to fix it… it’s too long, tedious and unrealistic when applied to humans. How can we believe that we will fully reconstruct someone? Besides this type of method can have destructive effects in terms of self-esteem and guilt. This wrong approach is also the reason why many guys are still blocking for years on seduction forums without getting any concrete results. Even that sometimes they are so watered by theory that they het used to give lessons to others !!!

How do inner game works?

The inner game is what happens in the mind of the player. Its main obstacles are: doubt and anxiety. An optimal inner game is to do not let these crap too much hinder the path to success… so we can fully express our innate potential. Fear, disbelief, nervousness, jealousy, embarrassment, perplexity, hesitation and lack of attention are driving down our confidence and ability to penetrate fully in the exchange in a relevant and empathetic way with respect to the objective which is all the same for a PUA to bang hot babes girls. Not to have dates, not take numbers … to fuck! For an optimal game, switch off this damn ego that gives the orders (“you MUST use this as opener, playing the cube game, negging her” if you have not you’re a noob, etc.) rather switch on and let express your natural ability. Basically, bombarding someone with orders and advice is counter-productive. Do not do it to your friends when you want to initiate them to the game !!! But let’s o back to you…

If you give yourself the order to stop giving you orders, it is the homosexual snake biting its tail. Your self-talk will just amplify and contradictions will make you implode. We instead want to concentrate to only keep the aspects of a situation that is necessary for its optimal performance. It’s like when you talk to a girl: all that matters is that the message is heard in a clear and genuinely way to create in her an emotion that works for you. When you watch your game it’s the same: do it in the most neutral way possible and without emitting negative value judgment (that was bad, sad, zero, etc.)

No bad value judgment!

This is fundamental in the learning process which has four steps:
– Observation without judgment of what is to be improved
– Imagining the desired result
– Self-confidence (routines and techniques are just contingency plans)
– Observation without judgment of the changes and results until you’re proud of having achieved your goal
Such an approach necessarily strengthens your belief in your innate qualities and therefore your self-esteem. Notice that we erased here the stage in which we yell at ourselves every time it does not go as well as we would like. It is relaxing to deal with yourself in a so kind way. Especially since it’s not because we have a bad game that we necessarily miss our life…

Wanting to learn…

To learn, sometimes a good question well put is better than one hundred tips to make people move on in their head.
“What have you observed when you’ve approached? ”
“Why did you ask her phone number at this moment? ”
“What happened when you took her hand to make her dance? ”
etc.
The apprentice PUA thus realizes things we could simply tell him directly … but he discovers for himself. This learning is much deeper and less interference generator. It is better to teach him how to learn, to stir his curiosity, knowing where to find the answers and thus develop his adaptive intelligence by reducing the interferences of the ego and contradictory injunctions. The autonomy is fundamental in seduction! Initiatives too! Nerves even more !

The problem is that when it comes to love and sexuality, social control and influence over the people by the religious authorities / government / parents / media / etc. are so powerful that we all are at some degree puppets submitted to social pressure (even if you feel that’s you’re free). Unlearning all that crap to achieve a simpler, more empathetic and sincere communication (with yourself and with others) remains in my opinion the quickest and most enjoyable way to seduce women you like. Because seduction is most a question of communication… even if it is multidisciplinary.

Let’s be ourselves! But do we really know who we are?

This article has been written and translated by Virginie.

Hi people !

Today I decided to tell you about an universal emotion: jealousy. Some say it is a proof of love, others of a lack of confidence. Some assume it totally while others are ashamed of it.

Let me be very clear: if even today this feeling exists is that it is part of the genetic inheritance of men. For evolutionists, emotions have allowed us to adapt to our environment when we were just hunter-gatherers. So jealousy has enabled us to survive and it is thus quite natural to feel it.

Let’s first see what’s the point of jealousy. An obvious answer would be “to keep an exclusive relationship with our partner.” But what’s the point of it (again)? Little hint: I spend my days crying, eating, sleeping and betwetting. You guessed it, the solution is “baby”. I develop a little… Humans are animals who need a long time to become an adult. For many years, we depend on our parents. However, remember that one purpose of life is to have descendants. It is therefore necessary to take care of these adorable baby to make sure that our genetic heritage continues to be transmitted. You’ll ask me: and jealousy in all that? And I would answer, but let me finish fuck! I will now develop the usefulness of jealousy by gender:
– For the man, jealousy prevents him from expending energy and risking his life to feed children who might not be made by him. Let’s remember that at the time developed when we the emotion of jealousy, hunting and gathering were the only means of survival.
– For the woman, jealousy assures her children will have the entirety of their father’s hunting product – will not have to share it with the children he would have had with other women. So this increases the chances of survival of the children.

In summary, it is because are our most jealous ancestors passed on their genes more than the others that this emotion is still here today.

Now that we agreed on the fact that it is normal to be jealous (to a certain extent, but I will talk about it later), let’s see how it manifests itself. Often it starts with a “flash” when we perceive a threat attacking the relationship. Most of the time, fear and anger mingle with this flash. Then there are roughly four kinds of reactions :
– Anger: the individual feels frustrated (at some extend because his/her status is reached). This can be characterized by thoughts like “who does he think he is” “He will see what I will do so!”…
– Fear: there is the fear of loss that predominates. Often this means “and what if he (she) leaves me?” “I do not control the situation!”…
– Sadness: characterized by a sense of abandonment and impairment of self-esteem, the person said, “he (she) prefers a another one, alas!” “I did not know how to keep him/her”…
– Shame: the person is, at once, ashamed to be jealous but also to be the loser. She thinks “this is an unhealthy emotion”, “I am a fool” …

Of course everyone is jealous in one way or another and it depends on lots of other criteria such as the personality of the jealous person as well as that of the partner, the nature of the rival, their education, parental models, first emotional experiences, values, commitment in the relationship (in terms of emotional dependence and hopes for the future), insecurity (is the other much more committed than me?), emotions (our ability to feel more or less strongly the emotions) and attachment.

Brief aside for those who are interested: attachment is the way, child, we bind ourselves to our parents – especially our mother. There are three main types: secure, insecure-avoidant and insecure-ambivalent. The researchers noted that the attachment that we develop in childhood continues throughout our lives in all our relationships. Of course, it is possible to remedy an insecure attachment (whatever it is) by recognizing and working on what’s wrong. If you want to know more, check out the works of Mary Ainsworth, Bowlby, Winnicott, Lorenz and Harlow (I promise, even if they are psychologists, they are easily understandable).

Moreover, making the other jealous can be useful at two levels: first, it allows you to check the price the other one pays to your relationship. But, also, remind him/her that you are always desirable by others, he/she is lucky to have you and if he/she does not make you a great present for your birthday, well it’s next! (Yes, well, OK, I’m exaggerating a little, perhaps). This is also why a guy (or a girl) not at all jealous you do not like too much in reality. The partner said that the other does not care about him (her). Because, admit that it is difficult to feel jealous of someone who leaves us totally indifferent. So moral of the story: be a little jealous sometimes, it will be good for your relationship. But be careful to don’t fall into the other extreme and become needy, clingy, etc. First, as mentioned above, it shows a lack of confidence and we cannot say that it is very appealing. And, secondly, I will discuss below, this is the best way if you want your partner to cheat on you, because feeling too imprisoned.

As I said earlier, it is quite human to be jealous. However, from a certain threshold, this behavior can become pathological. Here are the features:
– Monitoring: the jealous prevents the another one from going out without him. Spies his emails and SMS …
– Restriction of contacts: prohibition on leaving, calling and veil must be worn in case of going outside.
– Devaluation: the “victim” is held against her will in his/her role as a husband/wife and constantly receives complaints, criticism, etc.
– Possible Sanction of adultery (or a suspicion of adultery): The jealous kills his (her) partner. It is btw one of the most common male crimes. At first glance, this may seem illogical because doing so prevents the jealous from having offspring. Except that, in fact, the jealous shows to “competitors” he/she is a dominant male/female, and thus it discourages them from attempting anything in the future. The real question is why, when there is adultery, the husband kills the lover …? After all, there is nothing wrong with him. Maybe to eliminate all “traces” of adultery… The question needs to be dug.
If you are a victim of jealousy or you know someone who is, be sure to talk to a professional (psychiatrist or psychologist).

To end on something more positive, here are some tips to manage your jealousy:
– Acknowledge your jealousy, rather than denying or feeling ashamed. It is only by recognizing that you can get to manage it. Then, as explained above, it is in your genes! (But this is not a reason for inaction against it).
– Express your jealousy instead of doing everything to hide it. Indeed, doing so helps to show to the other that you care about him/her (which is a good thing when you know that some are trying to provoke jealousy of their partner – in this case it’s useless to establish a balance of power) to warn of what makes you suffer and better control yourself because in the making, you step back on the situation.
– Think about your suspicion, and not accuse the other of being the cause of everything. Two scenarios: if you are not usually but with that person you’ve become jealous, ask yourself if that person is not consciously trying to make you jealous (and in this case, flee or talk about it!). By cons, if it’s in your nature to be, ask yourself the following questions: Have I been traumatized by a previous infidelity? (If yes, your current partner can do nothing for you but you can ask yourself if you are not for something in this infidelity), do I have the feeling of not being interesting enough to keep someone ? (Self-esteem plays an important role in jealousy and if you have a sense of inferiority, talking to a therapist could help you), do I have a bad opinion of the fidelity of the opposite sex (or the same), and if so, where does it come from?
– Let the other breathe and do not fall into systematic suspicion. Imagine yourself in the shoes of the other one: how he (she) lives your suspicions, your supervision and your interdictions. In addition, preventing the other from breathing is the best way for making happen what you’re scared of!

Well, I am far from having talked about every aspect of this huge subject that is jealousy but I hope this article will help you to better understand this complex emotion (and moreover if it helps you in your daily life, it’s that a bonus!).

This article has been written and translated by Virginie.

Hi everybody !

Today I’m going to speak to you – well, OK, it’s Fabrice who gave me the idea of the subject – about girls who have a big mouth but who, when things become serious, reverse. Roughly, they speak about sex (sometimes are even more trash than you) but when comes the moment to take a « last drink » at your home or at her home, there is no longer anyone. Nor even to agree on a second meeting.

To place it chronologically, it would be later than a flake, you have already begun to discuss, but before the last-minute resistance.

Do not expect that I give you the miracle solution so that this kind of situation doesn’t occur, or to by-pass it. I would be very incapable of it. What I can try to do, on the other hand, it’s to explain you why us, girls, we act so. Of course, there are heaps of reasons and, every person being unique, they will not be the same from a girl to another one. However, it will help you, maybe, to understand a little better the reaction – even to anticipate it, if you are really hardly – and to accept it without feeling you too much affect in your ego of male.

Why a girl would agree to speak about sex, would show herself very open verbally speaking for, in the end, prefer to sleep alone ? I’m going to draw up you a non-exhaustive list of certain explanations.

– Fear of « what they will say ». In a general way, a girl who sleeps on the first date, it’s badly seen. I don’t say that this point of view is justified. But it’s that the majority of people – as well girls as guys – thinks. The guys maybe a little less, but, generally, the girl who sleeps with them on the first evening will more be considered as a one-night stand than as a potential girl friend. And, that, the girls know very well. And they don’t want this status. Being just « one among so many others », it’s not really our drug. We like feeling unique – who does not like it ? Thus, even if it can create some frustration at the time, many girls prefer to be held in the word, it is less risked for their image.

– Fear of being « used ». Roughly, that the guy uses her for his own selfish pleasure and that she takes none. I didn’t sleep with enough different guys to realize the average level in the bed but, according to what I heard, those who are really good (and thus generous) in the bed are rare. Thus, once more, even if it can create some frustration, be held in the word is a way to avoid risking to feel it even more.

– Fear of going out of our zone of comfort. It’s true, the oral words are abstractions. Nothing concrete or definitive. We can always return on what we said. While acts, them, are much more captivating and it’s much more difficult to reverse. Thus agreeing to do something that we are not used to do, it’s all the more difficult. The unknown frightens. At least, we learnt to be afraid of the unknown – the parents repeat not to speak with the unknowns, among others.

– Because we are formated since our earliest chilhood. What type of story do we tell the girls ? Fairy tales, where the poor princess (who is not there one yet), having undergone numerous injustices, meets finally the charming prince. And it’s immediate love at first sight. The prince does his best to conquer her and deserve her love – yes because it’s necessary to deserve us, even if before we were just a poor girl who did the cleaning for our cruel mother and our half-both unbearable sisters (I hope that everybody recognize that I hinted at Cinderella otherwise, shame on you and immediatly go to revise your classics !). And, may we like or not this kind of stories, they influence us, more or less consciously. Then you understand well that sleeping with a guy we met in nightclub, it is a little bit away from this scenario. And by growing up, we continue to be formated, by the media and the press. How many girls’ stories raped by a guy met one night did we heard ? This fear is not unimportant, but it depends partially on the city (for example, the distrust will be bigger in Marseille than in Aix). Regarding formatting, there is also all the « gossip magazines ». Certainly, the setbacks and the breaks sometimes hit the headlines but we can more see the « perfect » couples. Like Brangelina or, still some times ago, Depp-Paradis. It’s influencing people, seem to live the perfect life, professionnaly as personnaly. Then, except what magazines tell us about the « stars », they are also filled with pages « love », « seduction », « couple », etc. I read once in a blue moon but I have never seen the advice to sleep on the first evening. Rather, the opposite. And because Closer or Biba know everything, we follow their advice. Especially when they are accompanied with testimonies, thus, it strenghtens their credibility.

– Because it’s not in accordance with our education. As I wrote earlier, we are conditioned to be wary from each other – great atmosphere ! But there are also all the moral or religious values our family passes on to us. Without going to the extreme of the ring of purity, certain girls can feel really dirty or immoral if they give in first evening. The parental pressure can be very heavy for some. The « friendly » pressure has some weight too. For example, I know a girl who did not manage to keep for a long time her boyfriends. As a result, she asked one of her friends – who is in couple for several months – how she did. Answer : waiting 3 months before sleeping ! More than 90 days ! (hang me !). In the end, the girl  says to herself: because that worked for my friend, why not for me ? Certainly, the pressure is not the same that with the parents. But, between girls, it is so much more beautiful to tell that our boyfriend courted us (romantic restaurants, jewels, flowers and chocolates) to seduce us rather than to say that we slept with him after having discussed 10 minutes in a nightclub.

Paragraph added by Fab: but how can they hope that a guy is going to wait 90 days before sleeping with them? Or the guy is a desperate person so ready to anything for having sex or he is going to sleep with another one (and lie) while waiting. In both cases it is the girl who loses there. The girls would thus be attracted by badboys while saying they want (or by forcing to have) a Nice guy for their image? Will they sleep with a PUA while making their charming prince wait ? 😉

– Because it is an idiot who understood nothing in the life and who believes that everything is due to her. Oops, I didn’t mean that…

Here we are, I more or less went through the reasons which can urge a girl to don’t want to go farther with you. Generally, there is several at the time (hey yes, us, the feminine gente, are complex and mysterious beings – and especially headache, but it is what makes our charm). If ever you see other reasons, don’t hesitate to indicate them to me in a comment.