August 31st 2014,
I’m still having a hard time. I would even say that I’m sinking more and more into the darkness day after day. Fortunately, a girl on Snap sends me photos of her perfect ass, that keeps me alive. A short brown haired nurse with blue eyes, with a really hot body like that, it is a real delight for the eyes that would make a dying become hard.
Even in the agony, I pick up apparently relatively effectively on the Internet, it is comforting! And I really need it at the moment (ie comfort) because the simple fact of typing a message on FB is a considerable effort for me at the moment. I am too under tension thus I am going to lodge a complaint against EDF (electricity company in France)!
Every day I have the impression that my future conjugates in the past, that I am going to die and that tomorrow will not exist. It is hard (and I’m not speaking about my sex for once)! There will be plenty of girls around my coffin there, as young people say, but have the decency to don’t try to pick up my ex at my funeral PLEASE otherwise I will come back haunting you (I don’t even know if a lot of them will come anyway – girls respect nothing anymore nowadays). I remember every morning with nostalgia my very first moments when I was just a carefree pre-genius. So, enjoy life before death put it deeply in our ass. Especially if you plan to have the politeness to don’t last long. “Tell me grandma, why do I have the impression that life is less good than when you were young ? Why do everything seem fake on Facebook?”
1/ Three weeks of waiting to have an appointment with the gastroenterologist. It was very long (more than me in missionary), especially in such a condition. He received me five minutes, hardly touched my stomach and declared “it’s stress, €50 PLZ.” It speaks for itself. He declared me that I was put under stress for my exams in October… while exams have never put me under stress like that but well the guy knows you better than yourself you know just because he has a bac+8 diploma. I threw his prescription to the trash and refused to shake hands with him by leaving.
2/ For my rates of adrenalin and dopamine that make break the score, the internal doctor of the hospital sounded me and everything and advised me to don’t make the scintigraphy finally. For him too, the cause, it is the anxiety. Definitely, this shitty thing explains everything according to doctors. I am persuaded that I am going to die and they all answer me “we all die one day anyway“… yeah OK if you say so but I don’t know for you but me I still have a lot of hot girls to screw !!!
By experience of consciousness, he prescribed:
– A blood test: NOTHING except a deficiency in vitamin D (like everybody according to him) and a liver vaguely out off standards… But nothing that justifies such an ill-being. One more who directs me to the psychiatrist. He thinks that I am into a depression. Great, but without reason?!
– A electroencephalogram: NOTHING.
– A test of effort and a holter to see if my heart goes well (in September).
Padawan tells me that it serves me right, that everything is the fault of my liver, that it’s because I have drunk alcohol when I was younger. Yes, yes, stay in your crazy by thinking you are smarter than everybody! The guys addicted to organic food have the impression that they are going to take away death with their lifestyle but well… It is just for feeling reassured and having a clear conscience because we can die from a lot of different manners.
6ft visited me at the hospital because she knew that I was enormously stressed. My parents were there too. My father had difficulty in recovering from it “fuck son… she is so… cute.
– I know.”
3/ The brother of Padawan has a friend he describes as brilliant, who practice holistic medicine and cellular reprogramming, and who cured him. Padawan tells me that he too much wants to go there but that he will go later (he says the same thing for everything, it was already the case for the cure of the liver in February, and in the end he never makes nothing). One saying, this guy was in a wheelchair without reason and now he is cured and became a sportsman. Even if I had no proofs of that, I decided to give it a try. What I did not know at that time, it is that there are cases of psychosomatic paralysis: thus, being persuaded that our medicine is going to cure us… actually cures us. The problem is that I don’t really believe in it thus if it is really just a placebo effect, that is not going to work on me. Paradoxically, I am too much afraid of the nocebo effect: that my heart stops alone without good reason just because I am afraid that it stops. Yes, I am conscious that I’m making a kind of bad trip without drug but that is not enough to take me out of it. And those who speak to me about lack of will can go fuck themselves! Hormones govern us that’s it. If that happens to you one day to be in this condition (I do not wish it to you), you will understand, otherwise it is impossible to imagine.
The guy took my pulse during 1 hour while approaching things. According to how pulse reacts, according to him, it is that my body speaks to say if it likes this or that. His diagnostic: I have no allergy but I still eat too much butter (awesome)… and I have a problem at the emotional level since I’m 12. And to scare me a bit more, he specified that it is the noradrenalin and that it is a problem at the level of the pineal gland (“the third wasted eye”). The kind of thing doctors never look of course because it is expensive, an MRI. €60 for that, I am perplexed. He tells me that my body needs prickly pear because my liver is attacked by Montsanto’s Round-Up. He sells me tablets without gluten of that as a wonderful cure… €50. Then, Padawan tells me that it is the doctors who have agreements with pharmaceutical labs… pff. All the sames. Long live Hypocrite’s oath. One evening, I tried to take a tablet of that and BAM: anxiety attack! I put myself in the head that I was just going to poison myself because it was not a natural thing. It is astounding, especially that I am conscious that there are people out there who are full of LSD or cocaine and who do not die for all that. Before, I took medicines, it was not a problem at all and now I can swallow no chemical thing anymore… seeing frequently the followers of the organic food at the taekwondo is undoubtedly not good at all for me!!! That just makes me feel guilty when I eat badly. In fact these people always have an explanation for everything : if you don’t feel good it’s because you didn’t eat this or did not do that or didn’t see this magical healer. Even one told me that it was like that because I had eaten tomatoes and melon during the same meal and that mixed badly in the stomach but yes!!! Other than that, our ancestors stuffed insects in the mud… An organic cup of tea and systematic moods… Fuck off!
My father had accompanied me because I was really bad and because it was really far. He really found him weird. According to him, he is a quack who takes advantage of my condition. Maybe, but I am so discouraged that I don’t know what to do anymore…
To note that this guy stopped exercising his activity a few weeks after my visit. While he pretended stars came from Paris to see him to be healed because he is a magician… Ah really ?! Not very coherent all this.
The brother of Padawan, by learning the diagnostic of his buddy, advised me another “magician” who removes the emotional problems by magnetism. Yeah well, kiss my ass now…
4/ I visited a priest exorcist. He told me a little what he saw in his career, that makes one think. I have no symptom of possession but he made me all the same a prayer of liberation in case I had a curse (evil spell) on me.
5/ I kept the best for the end. A friend of my mother came home this summer. By seeing me in this condition, she told me that she recognized herself because she felt the same thing some years ago. She explained me that her condition was due to the soul of her husband who was stuck to her and that a medium-shaman-healer had taken it away for her and that she had left by jumping as a kid.
In the point where I was there, I thus visited this famous shaman. By seeing me arriving, he told me “you are a pigeon (maybe because I came to see him) and you’re lacking of confidence“. I said no. He said yes. “Everybody uses you and everything you are too much of a St Bernard“. He is a little right there all the same, as a result, I decided not to dispose anymore of my digital products (which are all the same quality works – I spent many working hours on this stuff) and not to give any more too many things free of charge on my blog (it is necessary to help others but it is necessary to command respect for it too). I write obscenities for fun but I am too much of a kind teddy bear who risks to be used by birds of prey if I continue… I knew already it at the bottom of me but becoming aware of it and knowing that that is quite obvious it is hard. Always making the others come before you and rarely falling on people like you (thus being used) that wears you out! I look for reciprocity and people on whom I can count & who can count on me. I’m not asking for the moon all the same!!! I am too much an emotional sponge.
Then, he asked me “did somebody died because of the heart in your family ?” I answered “my grand-father when he was 96” and there I started trembling in a uncontrollable way and crying. He took my hand and advised me to let him leave. I left for cramps and then my mouth said on its own “WHAT AM I DOING HERE“… The clairvoyant sketched a small smile and confirmed me that Gaston had left. I felt so alone of a sudden…
It is true that the day before the day when my grandfather died, everybody went to say goodbye to him at the hospital because we suspected that he would not spend the night (he was not really conscious). But I was not able to. I was sick a little bit then I used it as an excuse to don’t go there. I did not accept his departure. I loved him too much, he was my model. At the same time physically (we looked alike / he was from what I know a very horny devil) and morally (he was straight and honest/he took 3 jobs to buy a house and raise his family – where we are now, we largely owe it to him). Apparently, he loved me enormously in return so his soul did not agree to leave without saying goodbye to me. As a result, according to this theory, I would have had death in me and would have got his fear in me (he made three infarcts thus he could be afraid of making one at any time), what explains my rather violent thoracic pains and in the arm too.
We chatted a little while the cramps became blurred. The shaman told me that I had no disease but that my energetic body was back to front. However, now, it was going to go back in place little by little. I rocked actually for a few days after that, while soaking in a sensation of total unreality. I a little told him my life, spoke to him about what torments me and the bad things I did in this life (I had by the way written an article on this matter in my previous Diary). Nothing very nasty according to him.
He told me that I am a very old soul. Apparently, there are tracks of that in our genetics and in the memory of the water of our body… blah-blah. Needs not to try too much to understand otherwise that remove all the magic of the trick. In another life, you should know I was part of the power in an Asian country… and after that I had a bad karma because I would have made people kill. For my punishment, I died in the war and things like that during several “embodiments”. And there, in my last life, I was a maffioso who enjoyed cheating to cards then I was shot down. Now, I do not have karma anymore (neither good nor bad) so it’s up to me (I have everything to make a success of my life)! This makes me want to become good, virtuous and irreproachable.
Before leaving, he also told me that the heart attack was a part of my range of possibilities but that he had taken it away. But, I should not think about it anymore so that it doesn’t come back in my fate. The shamans have for belief that the fear of the disease, led the disease.
One week later, I got better but I was not cured. Then, little by little, I dived back into my catastrophic condition. In psychology, we could say that he tried to make me do my mourning by strength and that the rest is the fruit of an anxiety attack + my imagination. He is or actually a clairvoyant and there is a lot of things that are unknown in this world (but that too much frightens me) or he is a very good cold-reader and he is able to read people in two seconds. In any case, mediums generally always talk about three universal problems: love / sex, money / work and health. There, at least, we weren’t in the cliché!
Anyway, we will know all this only at the time of our death. Moreover, the shaman told me that I was hyper sensitive, hyper susceptible, and that doubtless, I could “see” too if I worked just a little bit this gift. Awwww it is not the first time that people tell me that then that scares me!!! I really don’t want that ghosts come talking to me! At the moment, what I know it is that that it has again costed an arm and a leg to me this story!
Thus to note that he also said wrong things like for example that I had a younger sister but who would have refused to be embodied in my mother who would have had a miscarriage and thus sista would have been reincarnated in the boxer who wants my skin. According to these people, everything happens for a reason. But the thing is, I asked my mother and she has never had any miscarriage….
6/ The buddy of Padawan, Le Gothique, swallowed a entire tube of Lexomil this month because a girl preferred to go back with her ex rather than to be with him. It was not even a call for help it was a desperate need to draw the attention. At the hospital, they made him a wash of stomach then interned him in psychiatry. He is there for several weeks. It frightens me, I hope I won’t get to this point !!! And especially, this is what can happen because of girls so if you are an AFC take care of yourself, please, on this blog! 😉
Fortunately, my darling Virginie takes care of me during this delicate period. I don’t know how she can tolerate to have a boyfriend in this condition but fortunately that she is here for me!!! She tells me that it’s the least she can do… yeah, but the truth is that around me everybody goes away. I really fell on a rare pearl, who loves me for what I am. That is the way it is: when you don’t feel good, everybody distances themselves. Only real friends stay. And among the real ones, I notice that my brother did not call once this summer to know how I’m going (my brother says that I am being dramatic and that I am a useless person thus it is a little bit easy… I have even the impression that he is happy that I feel bad because that consolidates him in his mediocrity… I think it’s a shame to get to this point within a sibship) and Padawan when he calls me it is just for talking to me about his attempts of trying to pick up (I really have the impression to serve only to make him fuck). Hafid it’s OK. Some other friends also but really that’s not a lot. The fingers of a hand. Moreover I send to the others my middle finger.
Well well, I guess that I tried a little all the parallel types of medicine thus now, if I want to heal… I have to trust a little more science and conventional doctors. I am going to start with a psychotherapist (practitioner EMDR). We will see ! There, I am hypersensitive, I have difficulty in trusting whoever it is, I am so to speak, lost.
May the God of the Health be with us… otherwise it’s impossible to have a good Game!