French Pick Up Artist

January 31st, 2015,

I had a great Christmas holiday. My fears have even let me alone for one week: I thought it was over because I had got my exam, then they came back even stronger. I saw The Girl of the Body Painting: her trip during one year in Australia as a stripper has clearly changed her. She sucks even better than before. She brought her A-game with one of her work clothes! New Year even with Virginie and her friends. It was cool. A girl even wanted to make out with me (she wanted to sit down on my knees) because I had said for fun that Vivie was my little sister. What a misunderstanding! I met quite a lot of people there and had fun playing the mentalist: I memorized 32 first names!Among my 2015 resolutions, I decided to take myself in charge and I bought a dozen books about stress, present now, anxiety attacks, meditation, Buddhism, intellectual self-defense, etc. I will give you news if it pays! After all, if I was able to learn seduction I should be able to learn inner calm. Well, in theory …

As shows it above my introspection (income of six months of analysis that I decided to stop because it’s too expensive and because the guy tells me every week that maybe in 15 days I will be cured … I smell a scam.) Then he tells me nothing new anymore for a while, always the same advice : moving away from everything I know to do my mourning. Oh yes, something new last time : he told me that his therapy had lasted 13 years. Sorry but I wanna do other things in my life !!!

– My mom –

My mother made me pretty late, around 40, she said it was a risky pregnancy: she cured and did everything so that I am not malformed. I was born in the anxiety.

My mother has always been a very stressed person, very anxious, under antidepressants by periods for as long as I remember. When I was a baby, she was hysterical. I think she even scared me a little. With my father, they often quarreled. One day I told my mother that if he decided to leave, I would go with my father. She put me a slap.

My mother likes to complain. She likes to pretend she is a broom wagon, or a maid. To say that I give her too much work. She makes me feel guilty by saying that I am very messy, that I give her a lot of work, that I make no effort, etc.

Besides that, she often told me that I am her reason for living, that without me she would have left my father already, etc. That if something happened to me she would commit suicide.

She made so that I think she needs me. For example, she hardly knows how to turn on the Freebox and every time there is something like that to do she calls me and ask me to do it (she doesn’t wanna learn). She also likes to watch series, and when it does not interest me, she asks me to come, or pretends it is hilarious or comment out loud to attract me.

I know she has a fear of abandonment too, because of her boyfriend soldier who died when she was young. Maybe she transmitted it to me.

In her way of speaking in general, she likes to exaggerate. To play tragedy. She loves rhetorical turns of phrase. She likes to say that it is “a disaster” or stuff like when it’s nothing in fact. Sometimes she freaks out and calls the police just because the neighbor has not closed the trash down the path.

In some ways, it can be said that it is overprotective. Like “put a skin knit or you will be sick, take an umbrella, eat or you’ll fall from starvation.”

She likes to scream, shrill cries. After everything, even after the dog, especially in front of people, to show them her “authority” on her animals, her husband and son. And in front of people, when my father and I made something, she sometimes says that it is she who has made it. Sometimes I’m here and she’s talking about me using the 3rd person, it annoys me.

– My father –

My father is a very nice man. When I did something wrong, he did not scold me. My father always “sacrifices” for others. Or at least he has for policy to always piss off himself as possible to please others. The best example of that is with food, he never finishes the dishes. And if he is asked to finish it, he cut it in two little parts to leave some for … we don’t know who. He says it’s because he comes from a large family and so he was not allowed to eat everything. In fact, I do not think it’s related, I think this is a saving sense. He is always looking to economize 3 cents even if it costs him more efforts.

My father also has the habit to do soft shots. Which comes to my mind right now is the example of cigarette. I’ve never been able to make him stop. Sometimes he swore on the holy bible that he was no longer smoking, but when I went out at night, I saw him smoking. Caught in the act, he took me for a fool “hi I was just feeding the dog.” I often cannot believe what he says. My mother lies to me too, but more rarely. That the reason why I hate the lies so much!

From what I know, my father is traumatized. He hates talking on the phone, he never calls anyone except my grandmother and my brother for whom he makes an effort every day at the same hour. He was getting beat up as a kid on the way to school, because the “older” who did not like his brother thought it was easier to attack him. So he does not like to go out, has no dress sense and does not like “people”. I also would tend to be a little bit wild if I let myself go and me too I do not like the phone.

If I understand, before I was conceived, my father was depressed. He was persuaded to have a rare disease. It must be said that his father had Alzheimer’s (I did not meet him) and he speaks often about it, afraid to have it in his turn one day. Me too I’m afraid to have it later. Moreover, even today, when he is sick, he always exaggerates the thing. When he has a sciatica, he sees himself handicapped for life. Every year when he makes his exams, he is convinced he has cancer or something like that and sometimes it is me who must go and open the envelope with the analysis. Heavy heredity! To go out of it I really have to work on myself at the risk of passing it to my children!

My father is the one who makes me feel guilty when I’m happy. For example even when it is me who make a cake, he always cut small parts. And if my mother and I decided to take some more, he says it is abused and everything. Then he will secretly eat Petit Lu. Similarly, when I get up late, he sometimes says to me “you are the shame of the family” on the tone of humor, certainly, but well. He says the same thing about himself too when it happens to him. When I was a kid, my mother rather called me “Princess Pea.” So ridiculous !

The difference between my father and my mother is : my mother tends to yell at the vendors, when my father would accept stuff very “borderlines” to don’t get noticed. In some ways, the roles of the parents were reversed at my home.

I remember an anecdote about my father. He had a stomach ache for several days but did not go to the doctor. Us, with my mother, we thought it was nothing, we went to Plan de Campagne. When we came back, we learned that he had taken his car and was at the hospital (had stop on the side of the road to vomit). He had peritonitis. He had surgery the next day. That’s why I am so wary of small symptoms.

– My paternal aunt –

The little sister of my father was raped when they were young, but nobody has ever done anything against those who did this. She has gradually become depressed, etc. We saw her during summer with my brother when we went in the North to visit my grandmother. Last time we saw her, she was in a crisis, and we laughed at her kindly. My brother loves to make fun of people and I love to laugh with him. But he is still a bit naughty and it’s really borderline.

One day in February, the phone rang, my father sat down and said “my sister no longer exists”(those words are strong). I was 19. It happened right after the death of my grandfather. We still must today lie to my grandmother and tell her that her daughter died in her sleep at the pharmacy killed by a ruptured aneurysm while she threw herself under the subway for … to protect her. I maybe feel guilty for that. For this family secret. Which is not one anymore.

– My maternal grandfather –

My maternal grandfather was in the war. I was always told that I was his favorite … this might be the case. We were very close but I feel like lazy compared with him. : He had two jobs and made his family with the sweat of his brow. I do not know if I could prove myself worthy of it.

It seems he was very handsome, strong, fair and a randy bugger. My father, too, it seems that he was very beautiful and had quite a lot of success. It put very high the sex side bar for me.

My grandfather had three bypasses. Apparently he said he thought never seeing me coming in high school. Finally, when he died, I was 18 and he was 94.

When I was younger, I often took care of him. For example, when my grandmother was sick, I went sleeping at their place, in case something would happen during the night.

One morning, we received a phone call, grandpa had a stroke that had lasted more than seven hours until the nurse finds him in the morning and calls the fire department. He survived. This image of fire brigades marked me then when they came for me during my 1st anxiety attack, it was really stressful.

I’ve often been told me that I looked like him. There may have been a transfer process. When I saw my panic attacks, I often who will save me or how to call for help, it might be related to that…

Once we wanted to go on a trip with my parents (I have traveled with my parents when I was young and now it is a pain in the ass for me to go with them because it’s always 3 or 4 museums per day we come back a lot more tired than we left) … and we did not left because at the last moment: he was ill. We had to cancel everything. I was not so displeased. It’s disgusting to say that. I was just a kid.

After the death of his wife (my grandmother), we could have taken him home with us a few months. But because the sister of my mother refused to take him home two weeks a month, my mother decided that it was not fair that she takes him all the time.

Then he went into a nursing home he hated and told us that if he had to stay there, he would run away. He died two months later killed by a pneumonia. We always suspected he was out running away when he caught a cold. In addition, he was a little unbearable even if he tried hard to don’t, and I have often told my mother to comfort her a little some nasty stuff like “when he will be gone, it will be quieter.” I was wrong. I think I’m guilty for that.

When he died, I did not have the courage to say goodbye the day before. We knew he won’t be long but I had use the excuse that I was sick … but I think it was rather cowardice. I do not remember very well why. Everyone visited him, except me, who was nevertheless “his favorite.” I think I never accepted his departure.

Another interesting detail: my grandmother, his wife, was a brunette with green eyes and that’s the kind of girl that attracts me the most. Unlike for the death of my grandmother when I was 17, when it was the turn of my grandfather, I did not cry. I have shown myself strong. My mother had collapsed and I took care of her, I comforted her, etc. In this sense, I think I was a child therapist. I have the example of my father, who goes to a great deal of trouble for his mother, and my mother did the same with his parents, I had those examples.

Six months after the death of my grandfather, my father had palpitations when we were walking on a mountain in Ardèche, with my brother. I have also had some the next day. These small panic attacks lasted a few weeks but stopped just before the next school year. Finally my father has nothing: it was apparently just the stress. He still now has a small medicine which removes his palpitations.

I must say that my father has much to be stressed: my maternal grandmother, 96 years, insults and blames him regularly. She lives alone in the North of France but never wanted to come living with us in the South. She is stubborn and wants to stay there … and she wants us to go living with her. Sometimes she called us for help, saying that she will die, or that she has been poisoned. She is paranoiac !

Since I am speaking about the doctors, the one of my maternal grandmother was not able to diagnose her liver cancer and she died. The last thing she said to me before dying is “you are beautiful”. Like my grandfather, I managed to be the last one to give her a kiss on the forehead in his coffin. The difference is that at her funeral, I was able to talk and cry. I wonder if that was the difference between these two deaths is not, in fact, that I did not mourn my grandfather at the good moment.

One of only films in front of which I cried, it is one this grandmother gave me, White Fang. When the wolf dies at the end. Animal death touches me more than death of human unknown.

– My family is torn from all sides –

The sister of my mother has two son. One day the family was broken : she tried to stab my mother. One day my aunt and my grandfather quarrelled, I was alone with him, I wanted to intervene she struck me. He freaked out and I believed well that he was going to die. I returned him at home, made him sit, drink, etc. but I was not reassured…

My cousins, uncle and godfather and godmother ​​have started to hate me for no reason and I never saw them again after the death of my grandfather. Besides, they did not even come to the funeral meal. My mother thinks that her sister has never accepted the fact that I exist because it took away half the inheritance from her child. Besides, she tried to scam my mother inheritance, with a huge premeditate skullduggery. She broke all ties with all the rest of the family!

With my (half) brother, it has not always been easy. When I was young I did not like when he babysat me. I remember once having locked myself in the bathroom with strawberries. He enjoyed to yell at me. Then, while growing up, he told me that I will be his “old bat” and “we will never dispute” like my mother and sister or my father and brother (at one time there were tensions between them too). Since last year, my brother becomes aggressive with me. Since Christmas for sure: he too rejects me and hates me. He has even thrown a salmon sandwich in my mouth. Basically he has always been jealous of me I think because my father left his mother for mine. Since I hate the treasons and the hypocrites!

I tried to save him: his fat ugly and dumb woman, his threesome with his stepmother, his 3 packs of cigarettes a day, of his 3 daily drinking glasses, etc. He is fat and badly dressed up and everything. And proud of being an asshole !

But I think that if it was me who was really sick, he would be very pleased: to show that he is right and everything. I know it would be unfair because I’m young and have a kind of healthy body … but I’m afraid of this very injustice. I think precisely that because it is unfair it could happen to me.

I feel like I bother. Like a lot of people would be happy that I did not exist. I have difficulty with that. As if I did not deserve my place or if like I have to please everyone. On my blog too, there are plenty of envious who would like to prove to me that they are right and that I’m wrong at any cost.

This summer while I was at the very worst, my mother called my brother who took advantage of it to push me down. The next day she called back him to speak about something else like her wife who smokes by being pregnant and he told her “you made cures and everything and nevertheless Fabrice is sick”. Narrow-minded!

I just realize an uplifting thing : where my brother bought his house in ruins (I went to help retype several half day), this is also where my grandfather died (home rehabilitation). Besides my brother had stopped talking to me (I am a guy who will never do something of his like), to my father (old who becomes useless) and to my mother (berserk he never loved) for two months. He requested a loan of €10,000 to my parents who gave him and he ate with my father and they fought. He took the money and disappeared from our lives. He told him he did not want to see us anymore because we arrived at 11am on the day of his move instead of 10am. Furthermore he still talks to his cousins ​​who were not even here. In brief, he has a big problem since he had his kid. I do not understand why everybody hates me but I question fuck!

The last time we saw the baby, my brother locked himself in his bedroom. We did not see him. His two bitches hardly showed us the baby. As soon as the he cries, my brother yells at him, locks him in his room and slams the door. Poor thing, he will be traumatized later too. He says he is “manly”. It was him who said he did not want any daughter just boys. This is pathetic. He said in an aside to my father “Fabrice will not be godfather” without explaining. He has never told me that but few months ago he was almost on his knees begged me to accept. My parents, my brother, my cousins enjoyed making fun of me because I was the youngest I did not know much.

– Not able to keep friends of my age –

When I was a kid, I was in primary school in Gardanne. I had some good friends and everything. Thenafter, I had to start all over again to 0 because they all went in the private and just me and another girl from my school went to the normal middle-school.

I was very unhappy, among riffraff and gothics, with my look of little well-behaved boy. I was the nice guy who was discreet, makes no noise, etc. At the end those 4 years, I had never kissed a girl and it tortured me. So I decided to change.

I was lucky : in high school, I also started from scratch since my parents realized that I was not in my place in this environment… they put me in Aix while I should have stayed in Gardanne.

In high school, I decided to become the fun guy of the class. I took example on the guys ‘popular’ at the middle-school and I was different in high school. It allowed me among others to mention the fact that I was the son of French teacher. This is what allowed me to integrate a high school full of richs while I am from an “average”family.

It did not work much with the girls in first year this time so I asked my mother to give me a makeover (I realize as I write these lines that at home I’m still dressed in tracksuit too oversized like before my makeover). I kissed my first chick at the age of 17, while of course making her believe that I already had girlfriends before, and I slept with her the following year for the first time in the bed of her parents. It was really bad and she did not let me finish … too frustrating for me, my youth. I had even made a fake anonymous account MSN to speak to the hotties of the high school over whom I fantasized in secret.

All that to say that over time, all my friends are gone. I have not kept real ones. My two closest childhood friends have lost their parents (one from a heart attack, another from cancer). They moved after that. One of my college professors, father of a guy I know, too, also died when I was young. Heart attack. I am surrounded by quick deaths.

In fact, if I decided to change in high school, it was because my mother was going to find out that if I was not popular, I had no success with girls, etc. Already I was not the first in school like her, I could not disappoint her by showing her that I was a loser. She told me that all the time that I was cute and I could get all the girls at my feet later, etc.

Even today, I think I have only superficial friendships, and I’m used to the fact people betray me, disappoint me, use me or take me for a fool. I’ve learned to always make efforts for others, always giving, etc. but basically I am perhaps a pigeon. I think I am a rather intelligent person but I think it is in part a problem.

– My girlfriends –

These are often girls with problem. 2 were raped, one who struggles against her anorexia. I think I have a superhero syndrome. I always reached out and helped the eccentrics even if I also spoke with popular people.

When I sleep with girls, 2/3 per month on average for several years, I make them come before my own pleasure. It’s clear for me : I fuck as many chicks because I tell myself that I must live fast, it’s still better than nothing it’s taken on life, and it will make so many people remember me as a good thing after my death. In practice, some hate you after sleeping with you even if they enjoyed like madwomen (because you do not want a couple).

When I started to believe I was going to die, I was 20 years old, I put in the fridge some of my sperm and wrote a letter to my parents to tell them what to do with it. Today, I sometimes think about donating sperm to be sure to have offspring. As if I had precious genes to perpetuate. And since I am the only son of my mother …

I think I also a white child sexuality and it made me suffer. That’s why I like it so much today, even if it is sometimes unhealthy, banging some young girls from high school.

– My relationship with work –

I always heard my parents say that their work was painful (teachers). They were punctured. They were doing the worst job in the world. They were too tired. That before it was good, but now it had become hellish.

My father even told me once that it was normal that work pisses you off. You have to suffer a lot in your life for the privilege to live happy moments.

If I chose to study a DSCG, I think it’s because it was a very difficult degree that few people are able to have. Being chartered accountant is doctoral level, level 10 of education in France. I still wanted to apply once the family motto is: “When you do not know what to do, make yourself suffer a maximum”. In the second year of IUT, I made a really boring internship, fact that should have immunized me against the public accounting profession.

My mother told me when I had the DCG “Now if something happens you me I will be quiet, you can make your life.”

And now that I have the master, she said, “and well now I am very worried, you have to find you a job so I may be reassured. I will not be quiet before you are installed in life, etc.”

She, she said she would never have done teacher, she would have been happier if she had listened to her mother and had worked in the Bank of France. She says she was eligible for ENA etc. Damn it puts super high the bar challenge!

– My suicidal attitude –

Before my first big anxiety attack, I was drunk and I got in the car of a guy as drunk as me to go home. I was scared and I think I wondered what my mother would think of me if we had died and found myself intoxicated after an accident on the highway. For my defense, a weird guy in my prom had given me a glass “so that I have more fun” and I had drunk it I think that I was given drugs.

I often fucked chicks without condoms. I did not expect to get AIDS of course, I was even afraid of it, but I think I put myself in the challenge. Challenge to earn to live or something like that.

When I got mugged by four drug addicts, I thought I deserved it. I have not to hang out at night and it was normal I was punished … it was well done. I just lived it as a fatality.

Before the attack, I did a bad thing to a drug addict alcoholic boxer who also went out a lot in Aix. For almost 2 years, I went out in the city, in the same places than him, anxious each time to meet him … I scanned everywhere. I think that deep down I wanted to make me hurt the face. Or that God decides whether or not I deserve correction. Apparently not. Then I think I have more or less “fixed it” since.

– My addictions –

For years I masturbated every day. Even when I fucked a girl before, or before I fucked a girl. Now I’m not daring anymore because I say to myself that maybe I will die of it and people will find me killed me by a handjob death due to heart … and it will a shame.

The sport. The same, I do not do it because anymore I’m afraid of dying but otherwise I was doing eight hours per week just a few months ago. One of our teachers had filmed us and I was potted he had diffused that in front of the class they were all laughing out loud.

When I was a kid on the other hand, I was not much good in sport. In middle school, my main teacher (sport) asked me what I wanted to do, I answered “writer.” I hated ACROGYM. It seems that I was not strong and was very clumsy when I was young. That’s what I always heard. My mother had even hired for me a personal sports teacher at a time.

Later in high school, I hated climbing. It frightened me. Although I had not really dizzy, I made sure to make me deliver.

When I was young I assumed nothing. In the morning I enjoyed watching Pokemon but when my parents went into the hallway, I zapped. I pretended to be trying to do anything else or watch a cultural thing. There was other stuff like that I liked, that people of my age watched, but my parents said it was “bullshit”. Just as I was hiding shamefully until late I had kissed a girl, I hid for long I was still playing Pokemon (too ashamed). Okay now I don’t play anymore but well.

– The hidden face of my parents –

Last night I spent the evening at home with Virginie (my girlfriend). My parents had gone to dinner with friends. I had spent a good evening and I felt fairly well. We were lying on my bed this morning around 11am, as we read on the computer. My mother came home around noon, not since 5 minutes I heard already yelling after me in the hallway and slamming doors as usual. After a moment, she completely broke down and went back to my room to yell at me in front of my girlfriend in underwear. Jealous of her? Anyway, I’m not someone who is a victim of your nerves like when I was 5 years old !!! It’s a shame !

Basically, she reproached me (shouting and ordering me not to interrupt because her argument is “flawless”) to have put some land yesterday by returning the machine (instead of appreciating that I thought to return it). She asks me what I will do to “fix it” and remember me that she is not my “boy”. I replied that I do not know, I will do what she wants and she told me I should take vacuuming (my mother is obsessed with cleaning and storage).

What did she do immediately after ?! She goes into the living room and vacuuming (preventing me from doing so). It’s very clever on her part, she can continue to complain about me: I find it really unfair. My father found it a little hard but does not tell her in person, because otherwise I would take on the chin too, then he does the ostrich. He did the same with his mother who is abhorrent to him but he continues to do a lot to please her. It’s not very alpha.

Finally here, a day that started well but is completely wasted when it was not yet noon. I brought Virginie home and she told me that even when she argues with her mother, it is not that huge. The thing is, there it was soft … precisely because Virginie was here.

When I came back, my mother said, “do you talk to me anymore?
– No, useless you want to apologize
– I want to excuse myself on the form but not in substance
– Too bad so we’ll talk when you’ll apologize completely”
And then she leaves in hysterics to prove she’s right. After she phones to her friends and laugh by telling her wrong version of the events. I think I’ve always learned to live in stress … Young yet, I heard a cart of the XVIIIth century at night or then steps in the corridor while there was nobody it is strange!

Following that (the fight not the cart), we did not talk during two days.

When I was a kind, until the age of 10-11 years old, my mother was like that regularly. When my father was trying to say something, he was attacked, so sometimes he complained … but gentle with me in the bathroom. One day, while my mother threatened for the umpteenth time to leave my father because he was “soft, deaf, and other-stuff-that-are-not-nice,” I said I would go to live with my father, and I took a slap. Other times, I tried to scream as loud as her so she keeps quiet, but she began to cry and say I reminded her of her father who frightened her when he shouted at her. In short she is victimizing, and my father flew to his aid against me by saying that it’s a shame to make your mother cry.

Finally, they never divorced, but she often told stories about how much she would have been happier with this or that guy she had known in the past. She adds that the only thing she does not regret in life is making me. It brings me a lot of pressure on my shoulders. Besides, I remember hearing her saying that if one day something happened to me, her life would have no meaning. This is too heavy a burden for me. I think my mother threw me a tremendous sense of guilt, that prevents me from living selfishly for me because if I left, I would give up on her.

She always had the gift to make me feel guilty. When I was young, I often hear “I am not your broom wagon” or “I’m not your boy” while collecting the laundry. Another example of what she likes to do: she puts a laundry basket outside my door for me to range. 5 minutes after, she comes back with a bang in my room complaining that I did not do it and starts doing it all by saying that I would never do it and she left me a chance. With her, you always have to do everything in the second and in her own way. It thus makes me a little dependent on her anyway, at least in my head, because if I listen carefully without her I would live in filth, in a mess, I would not even know me to eat properly (that is not true – I lived alone in Aix until recently). In general, she oversees everything I do, is pretty directing for my life and pushes me to make the choices that she finds good (but not necessarily that she would have made for her). Last year, I wanted to move in Lyon (and I still want) my mom said OK but I need someone to come with me to look with you for a place where you feel good and you must of course find a job before moving … basically, it requires a detailed plan to let me go, which is impossible to do from away … and so it makes me unconsciously stay while giving her good conscience saying she wants to see me leaving and my presence is a weigh.

My mother is very unfair in the sense that she will complain anyway. It is in bad faith when she claims that if I had done this instead of that, she would not be upset … the truth is that she would upset anyway and for another reason as unjust as the first ones. Besides, I have often heard “when I retire, I’ll finally be quiet, so I can travel.” It’s been three years since she is: she left 1 time for five days. She supposedly expects my father to take initiatives but he is a homebody/wild so when I was 15-16 it’s me who was doing the “young company man” as she says: I went out to the shops or stuff like that with her. Her stupid expressions always put me ill at ease as when she called me in front of people “my lupette” and then when I was with a friend she said “your boyfriend is” … – I’m not fucking gay! – Rohlala it’s just a figure of speech (and the next time she began as if I had said nothing). Oh yeah, and she never apologize.

One day she came home from school as often berserk (I was in first year of middle school) and I waited at home. She went in and started to say that I was a pain in her ass and I said YES I FUCK YOU. There, she sent me to a shrink. In two sessions, he had “solved the problem”. Basically, “shut up and complies with all that said your mother, she’s always right.” I still have this phrase that resonates in my head, for example when my brother bought his house: my mother said it was a crap. I wondered why my brother persisted in buying this house while my mother “gives always good advice and is rarely wrong.” It’s my way of thinking that is biased. And the fact that I always want to please her.

This summer, instead of admitting that I had a psychological problem (which would have made my mother feel guilty for missing the education she had put a point of honor to give me even when her friends said it was not right what she did because she wanted to do differently): I preferred to go to the internal medicine hospital to look for what rare disease I could have.

A theory that may be admissible on my anxiety attacks, I feel guilty for wanting to leave and live for me. Maybe I psycho-somatic punishe myself wanting to get away from my mother and live for myself, selfishly … besides my mother often said guys are “cowardly and selfish.” Help !!! Actually what I like about my girlfriend is that she is sweet, HER. Although in some ways she looks like my mother (little brunette nerd).

Should I admit once and for all that my mother is bi-polar? My mother does not feel crazy because she sees a psychiatrist who told her she was in normal and that it is the others who are crazy. For example, once she was not promoted so she yelled at chief and his psychiatrist told her that it was a good idea. With that said, she will never admit she yells. She says she “speaks loudly.” Me, it traumatized me.

Once a woman’s voice is rising now it drives me crazy I feel like I want to insult her.

Maybe my (half) brother leaves us by saying that I am as crazy like my mother and it’s unhealthy to keep in touch with me. And maybe he’s right. I do not know…

If I observe how my mother was with her parents and how my father is with his mother, they made crates for their parents to be happy and especially … NOT TO FEEL GUILTY WHEN THEY WILL BE DEAD. So I anchored myself this model to crush me and put their welfare before mine. Is it their death which I dread in fact?

My mother is full of latent aggression and I cannot answer anything if I go stronger than her my father intervenes, if I do not face her she wins … and arguing is impossible because of her bad faith . Perhaps my anxiety attacks are a kind of protection that I have tried and I cannot get rid of. For example, this summer, I was very ill and she had gone to a lunch with her friends: I had to make room for the evening. She returned at 8pm and told me that my rice was overcooked (just a little actually) and so I missed her respect by giving her the block for dog food. Basically, even when I’m sad, she’s selfishly likely to use me as a punching bag even if it gives me a panic attack me, it looks like she does not care.

Which brings me to a final thought. I plunged a little depressed after I failed the examination at the end of 2013 and came back gradually living with my parents. I slowly handed in her cut, which may explain my current state. But why was I drawn to the house then? And why is this one the only place where I feel almost safe? Also, this failure has made her insane and she sent lots of letters (even to the President of the republic in secret) and lots of other people, she yelled at the Ministry … maybe I blamed myself for having failed and seen her in this state because of me hurt me. What might once again sticking with my guilt.

We can look super complicated stuff like the fact that my aunt committed suicide and I have to lie to my grandmother or like the fact that my grandfather died in a nursing home when I could have insisted so we keep him at home. Or maybe my problem is that I cannot detach myself from my mother, simply? Not enough confidence in myself. Even in Aix I am under her influence (her apartment belong to her). Strange thing (by making an analysis we find weird things) the former landlord was called like my grandfather and I still received mails in the name of Mister Martin.

If I was totally objective, I should blame her for that. But on the other hand, she is herself a victim of something and I just cannot help her to get by. These panic attacks may be a handicap for me but they give me an excuse to do not leave home. But it’s over, the bullshit. I think I’ll jump without parachute and go away to test this theory. If it does not work, I do not know what else I will do … life has become very hard for me.

I feel like I have tried everything except antidepressants. So I’ll take some if I have not enough energy to do without. In addition to what I mentioned earlier, I also tried:
– Ericksonian hypnosis (to try to force the mourning of my grandfather but I just cried like a fountain)
– During hypnosis I saw myself s a kid in a prison which door was open but I stayed there looking out through the bars of the window
– Different schemes: no gluten free, dairy no dairy products, etc (even a mono-diet of bananas)
– Yoga, tai-chi, qi-gong……

But my condition is getting worse. Since I saw Supercondriaque, and the guy dies quickly of a stroke, I’m afraid of myocardial AND attack (I should lodge a complaint against Dany Boon). So when things are not good I have a new dirty habit : I force myself to smile to see if everything works (you cannot smile if you are suffering a stroke). I always check the symptoms on Google!

Having said that, when I speak about it around me I notice that a lot of people makes anxiety attacks but does not speak about it: another shameful subject like sex. Thus I decided to speak about it!

Now you know my most intimate secrets … May the God of the Game be with us!

December 13 2014,

I am full of hate!

I do not know if you can even imagine how much hate I feel for Padawan!

After my last FR that criticized a little him, Padawan was upset. So what did he do? He copied and sent it to the chicks we both know in common.

Several came talked to me, angry, saying that I was calling them “poor pussy” or I do not know what. And they hold me to account. So: did they go to shit for not much or did he change the words in my FR before sending it in order to be sure to offend them? We will never know but I highly suspect it. In any case, it’s a shame : When you’re the wingman of someone, you cannot do things like that as soon as someone question you. Should be a little more humble. And I will follow this example myself in the future.

His justification “From the moment you talk about me I do not see what is the problem. So shut up, cordially J “

Trust is broken down.

I have always said good things about Padawan and hidden his defects in my FR … so that today: he is too much big-headd. When a girl does not want him (often) she is an idiot who does not understand life even though she was great before, when he still thought he could fuck her. I’m a guy who always tries to speak positively about others, never on their back, but it brings me that crap. Why ???

So I’ll unpack my bag. To purge myself. It will do me some good, especially since he is not for nothing in my depression. He contaminated me with his conspiracy theories and social phobias. Finally, this is what I think. I will develop. I will especially try to stay lucid and to consider his arguments too. Maybe he was right, and I’m really more stupid than I think I am, after all. In any case it is impossible for me to be white as sperm snow.

Small portrait of Padawan:

Padawan is a guy who claims to be officially misanthropist. He hates people. He does not talk to anyone but always his same 3 or 4 friends geeks. Personally, he moved me away from all my other friends because he convinced me that they were not disreputable just because they drank alcohol and/or smoke. I was stupid enough to listen to him…

All those who do not eat organic and do not do 2 hours of sport per day are pussies, he said. Indeed, it is necessary to be ready to survive when we will have the revolution in France thus he train to fast for weeks and everything! His delirium is the army, but he will not join. He loves authority, discipline, intransigence. But just when he is one who commands.

His communication skills are close to zero: since high school people find him weird, nobody likes him. Except me, who always gives a chance to everyone. That is objective to say that he is rigid and full of principles. He denigrates anyone and I realize that I started to do the same, which does not make me very happy.

His deep belief is that you can not succeed if you are not Jewish. All those who succeed are Jewish or have converted. It is for this reason that he tries nothing to succeed in life. According to him, Jews govern us, use us… and if we enter the system (by working) we are working for them so it’s not worth it.

Their goal ? They can buy a spaceship and leave us when the Earth will be destroyed by pollution (it’s true that he told me that). He is hyper racist and drinks the words of Dieudonné.

Oh sorry, I forgot, there’s not only Jews that use us. There’s also pedophiles who govern us. They are either Jews or pedophiles those who have the power … and they sacrifice children in rituals and cops stifle business. His evidence: there’s evidence on Youtube! In fact, if I understood well everything, there are even sects (like Franc-massons or Illuminatis) that govern people who have the power who would be only pawns and oblige them to do what they want. Everybody lies to us!

Those in power want us to die, they hate us, they put poison in the food so that we all become sterile! Once I had invited him in a evening pancakes at my home, he had come but had eaten nothing and had explained to everybody that it was some shit. A few weeks later he had a date and invited a girl in at a pancakes-shop. Look for the error!

He is super preachy: for example, if you’re sick it’s necessarily because 2 years ago you drank alcohol (he told me that it was the cause of my depression) or because you took some Roaccutane (he took some too). There is always a New Age explanation to make you guilty to everything !

Everything can be explained by what he calls “lifestyle”. I realized later that this is a way for people who fear death to go away from it intellectually. “I cannot die because I go in for sports and eat organic food.” At the beginning it is good because you progress but after it is TOO MUCH, he has no limit, and you explode because he is never satisfied nor encouraging and absolutely not teacher (ex: to motivate you he calls you pussy it is never good enough for him). Roughly, he feels good in a domain thus takes advantage of it to criticize everybody… As soon as he sees a guy an actor or whoever topless who has a hotter body than him he claims that he necessarily takes products. And the only sport which is good it is the tae kwon do all the rest is fatal.

Besides that, he is inhabited by Hate. He calls people big bacons “, or “shit bags profiteers” and asks the RSA. He spends his days on his computer or on his guitar. He so much has nothing to do nothing that he recognizes in bars the girls who are on Adopt even if he did not speak to them. He just goes out at night to “do push-up” in the park. And if you do not go with him, you’re a “pussy gay”. He hates the fat but that doesn’t prevented him from banging one. He hates the smokers, claims that they have the pussy dry and that he can see the difference, but that does not prevent him from dipping his dick there!

Doctors cannot be trusted, do not respect them. To cure : you just eat organic and play sports. The doctors even want you to be sick to be paid. They have contracts with labs and prescribe you meds that you do not need even if they hurt you just to earn commissions.

He sees the worst in the human beings. Once he decided to drive a girl met on Adopt, he found that it was too easy to pick her up in his car, then he freaked out that that is an ambush by procurers. Just writing all that, it drives me crazy! How to live with such beliefs? I understand that I became depressed.

I think he was traumatized because he was lonely when young (a Gothic in a high school full of gold coins). And also by the fact that his mother left his father to start a new life away. Only to say that the metal is the only good music because it delivers a message not commercial and that all the rest it is necessarily some shit, it is not very normal.

Well, I probably forgot some stuff but I think he had enough.

Before finishing, one last anecdote that describes well the character: we had gone in a medicine party, he had paid the entry €10then had gone off the deep end and did not want to approach so he sat on a bench in the entrance of the club and had spent the whole evening alone on his phone there. On our way back: crisis of nerve, “never again party like that, I don’t want to kiss alcoholics, that does not interest me, etc.” The next week he wanted to go back there with me in the eparty, I confronted him, he admitted that he has some approach anxiety. OK…

The last conversation with Padawan (commented):            

Padawan: I personally will stop to write some FR… it’s useless it’s to seek recognition… to what end? To become like Soral ?

Comment: 1) he did not write much FR anyway since he did not fuck since I don’t go out with him 2) like that at least he is sure that I cannot do the same thing and poke all his targets. While playing the “good guy who is above that.”

Cyprineman: you got a conscience crisis or what? it vexes you we can get you back into question? admit that you did something stupid and we forget it … it personally disappointed me a little then do not play the victim
Padawan: stop your techniques it works only on weak minds
Comment: Note that this is his great fear, being a weak mind. He criticizes everybody, society and everything. We’re all idiots. Besides that, he still lives with his father (he calls him stupid just because he drinks Coke) while he has his chemistry bac+3 degree and stopped his studies 2 years ago. He has no job, postulates nowhere and ask the RSA but calls everyone parasites.

Cyprineman: noone can tell you anything that is a problem
Padawan: the one who cries it is you huh
Cyprineman: normal well … we should let you do everything and never tell you anything
Padawan: I did not do anything and you know it very well it’s your ego that is talking
Cyprineman: yesssssssss that’s why you did it in secret while usually you send me message during 48 every time you talk to a girl I get a pad on Facebook or by SMS
Padawan: I do not owe you an account
Cyprineman: yeah well then just when you send pokes, lock chicks I have not fucked and you’ve not read like my FR about her before like that you’ll really owe me nothing … why you do not want to admit that you abused?
Padawan : but it is you who assume that I owe you something it is the comeback of the paranoid lol I told you these manipulation techniques do not work

Comment: I still have not understood why he says I was using special manipulation techniques there. And he calls me paranoid (maybe I am a bit with everytime I have been taken for a fool in my life) but I feel he is as much or more than me.

Cyprineman : I am not manipulating, I ask you a question and you’re avoiding
Padawan: wrong! you ask a question with a statement inside it’s called manipulation
Cyprineman: I see that you’re an incredible bad faith

Comment: maybe I manipulate but I did not notice it even by rereading several times. You will say that this FR is a manipulation in itself but I put the full conversation so I hope I will remain objective although of course I spend all this through the filter of my rancor (how can I do other way?)

Cyprineman: You pokes chicks I fucked knowing it well (it lasts for several years)
Padawan: so what?
Cyprineman: now it’s over the pokes of chicks when you know that I have fucked or I’ll believe you used me
Padawan: I used you absolutely not and I do what I want J

Comment: this, it means “talk to my ass my head is sick.”

Padawan: you expose yourself on the Internet by telling everything that is a bit naive
Cyprineman I know all your sex stories and I’ve never do something in your back not even just poking a girl you targeted
Padawan: nothing prevented you from that
Cyprineman: you are hypocritical

Comment: it is a little easier for him to say that no? The rules and respect are just for others and we are stupid if we fold it to live in community?

Padawan: So ok if you have a girl in your friend list she is locked
Cyprineman: nevermind

Comment: there it is a rhetorical technique where you push the argument of you interlocutor to the extreme in order to make it absurd. And I am the one who uses techniques of manipulation??

Padawan: ok but I will still poke in your friends list;)
Cyprineman: because you’re a selfish to whom we can say nothing then
Padawan: yes yes I am a big selfish that’s true that’s why I made logos & videos for you and I defended you in the street

Comment: for logos and videos remind he uses on his website as ad to sell his designer services (nobody actually buys because he has not the slightest degree). About having defended me in the street two years ago “thank you” but remember that if he was not there I would not have sat down on the floor in front of my home with him until 5am and none of this would have happened (and I would not have post-traumatic stress). And he defended himself too.

Cyprineman: You have both disappointed me (him and The metallers who is his best friend) in quick succession and I am willing to move on if you stop systematically trying to pick up the chicks I fucked
Padawan: I say nothing anymore
Cyprineman: normal there, it destabilizes you a little then you do not answer anymore Mr. Padawan is always right
Padawan: it does not work your techniques of pussy

Comment: of course, he did not say anything when short of arguments. It avoids saying something stupid, btw.

Cyprineman: I’m not happy about something that you did, what crime of lese majesty! Always say amen when it’s Padawan
Padawan: you’re not even able to understand when you’re trolled or not
Cyprineman: and yeah I’m too stupid and you’re too smart
Padawan: oh yes

Comment: After they tell you it was some humor and you have understood nothing! Easy, the exit door! After with the metallers, they believe to be superior intelligences, to be right about everything, the others are just idiots who do not think for themselves. But ultimately, are they sure to be so smart? One is unemployed, has intensified in high school and has just a little license of chemistry. The other (who claims to be misanthrope too) does a thesis of course but it lasts for 5 years I guess and he doesn’t want to work alongside. They are both intolerant and encourage mutually! With them it is everything or nothing eg before they liked everything on my blog and made my advertising and everything then from the day when I told them that I was fed up with their practices they stopped everything and began to denigrate me by using what they adored before to criticize me.

Cyprineman: so much the better, unlike you, my goal is not to annoy you
Padawan: me neither … your reaction is disproportionate! all that for a territory to prove you’re the biggest dick because we’ve been bullied when you were younger

Comment: There it is interesting because the long haired up to the ass Gothic that nobody liked in high school and that no-one was talking to … it was him.

Cyprineman: I must first find them and fuck them so you to feel the balls to game them rather effectively
Padawan: I will signal that I do the same with others huh my rabbit
Cyprineman: other you kiss but who never call you back that’s weird huh
Padawan: you know very well that it is statistically it happened three times because I’m tired of all this precisely
Cyprineman: statistics, they increase when aiming chicks I fucked
Padawan: this is normal those chicks are open they were not frightened by the womanizer you are
Cyprineman: they are open because I opened them yes, and because I put them in good conditions … the situation is unblocked
Padawan: you’re like john or Soral you have a problem with your dick
Cyprineman: it makes me feel used and taken in traitor by a guy who said he is my friend … and when I tell him to change habits that bother me, he answers no
Padawan: if I had taken you in traitor I would not even have told you I’d poked them
Cyprineman: yes, of course, you’ve vaguely told me three months after doing so… when she started to answer

Comment: the argument “you got a problem with your cock.” It’s funny, I could get out the opposite argument “you’re frustrated because you do not have sex.” In any cases, you’re fucked with this logic.

Cyprineman: it is you who hate Jews, I hate noone eh
Padawan: not related but well Soral is a degenerate cock
Cyprineman: yes the link is Soral. Well I told you what bothers me, will you stop doing it?
Padawan: Because you won’t speak to me about your conquests and you’ll keep anonyma them how you do want that it happens again?
Cyprineman: it’s a shame that I have to get there

Comment: there he is pissed off because I did not tell him who is Red pants.

Padawan: Imagine you fuck a girl and I think that’s the woman of my life … I do not have the right of poking her? and I have to live frustrated because I have to respect your territory?
Cyprineman: The banker, for example, she was the woman of your life? or you’ve tried to pick her up to empty your balls?
Padawan: well I cannot know without having fucked them 😉
Cyprineman: ok this is you want to take me for a fool again
Padawan: stop making the child

Comment: yes, there he really takes me for a fool. I am up against a wall of bad faith.

Padawan: you know I’m sometimes sentimental
Cyprineman: when it suits you yeah
Padawan: I signal you that I am like that and you have not managed to change me huh … you trained me (I did not say it was wrong)

Comment: now he pretends to be a too romantic guy who is a victim of my influence of asshole. Meanwhile: it is not me who broke the arm of a girl in a party just because she had upset me.

Padawan : but now we are having a discussion of girl
Comment: yeah, the guys fix it in the blood, it is well known.
Padawan: no woman is yours

Comment: yes, but I never said anything like that.

Cyprineman: when you send profiles chicks you’re trying to pick up on tinder, I should send a poke everytime then
Padawan: If you want

Comment: it is easy to want to push myself to be as petty as him to be able to blame me then.

Cyprineman: I’m not like that … if you do not understand that these practices are not correct then this is serious
Padawan: a girl that you fucked will not have to choose while if neither of us did … we both occupies his mind and his time
Cyprineman: well then it’s me who does the job every time and you pick up after

Comment: I basically fight all the chicks fears about one night stands, I fuck them well so that they will want to have other plans like this and he comes after me and picks. In return for ten bitches he fucked thanks to me, he had to introduce myself to two in all and for all. It’s better than nothing but by doing so he hoped I fail! To prove that he had the biggest dick precisely! I think that one of his main problem is the envy. The logic of the envy is we are not jealous of a millionaire but of a buddy who won at the bingo, yes. Because at one moment we felt “on an equal footing”. He has almost never wanted to open a book (nor even a thing about the game) but because he began seeing frequently me he began to be mad at me to be more successful than him. It’s human !

Cyprineman: I am a wholesale pigeon
Padawan: well you’re going to complain

Comment: if I got it, you can strip the money to a guy if he is rich. Robin Hood !

Padawan: ok stop you’re sick … continue EMDR I hope it will usefull
Cyprineman: I’m treating myself at least

Comment: it was not only to have the last word that I said it, I really think he has a big problem. Maybe even worse than me because he is completely in denial.

Padawan: I expected that
Cyprineman: I ask you not much
Padawan: no you’re doing it alone so handle your shit

Comment: there he is offended. I had touched a nerve.

Cyprineman: lol you reject me for girls it is serious dude
Padawan: you tell yourself that you are strong then fend for yourself
Cyprineman: it is a pity that you don’t want to do any effort on it I do not understand why you do it
Padawan: sorry I do not want to live again what I lived with L**** and with now a friend, this time I will preserve myself good luck

Comment: L**** is a girl who was raped and then twisted on antidepressants (his version). L**** is his first girlfriend who cheated on him with a black junkie who then told him she was raped (version of the metallers). In all cases, he recently fucked her again. So well…

Cyprineman: life again what? a friend ? you have a strange concept of friendship
Padawan: shut up now

Comment: I have not understood or is message is unclear?

Cyprineman: I say we forget everything but in the future we do not make the same mistakes… and you’re telling me no, I have to live it how?
Padawan: you tire me know that if you do anything to hurt me I will destroy your reputation
Cyprineman: and then you threaten me to send files?
Padawan: it is a setting not a threat you’re crazy that’s why I’m tired
Cyprineman: oh well I’m a freak?
Padawan: I exaggerate but you understand very well take care of yourself or I do not want to hear from you again
Cyprineman: have you understand that it is you who say no to everything ?
Padawan : you’re hurt and I cannot stand your moods
Cyprineman: there I suggest you not sharing chicks anymore for a healthy friendship
Padawan: I already told you that the problem was not there you think superior you can do anything while pouring in rancor and hatred.

Comment: Of course yes the problem is there. This reaction shows it well.

Padawan: I’ve already explained
Cyprineman: well explain me again and this time I’m listening
Padawan: it’s been months that I tell you even before Stephane told you … you have to stop with your dick and this desire that eats you! there’s only women who push you in life you get up you mess lives you eat to have a seduction harem you do not even fuck and when someone comes and take a woman you are not able to handle this so we’ll stop here you are locked in your bubble of seduction and all that crap (I say bullshit in the sense that it is not healthy not in the sense that it does not work)

Comment: it is totally wrong that. It is not me who get up at 1pm then spend my afternoons on the blog of Soral and Youtube to watch videos of shit then sport during 2h at 7pm then go back on the computer up to 5am. What I mean is that I have other things in my life, me. While there he will tell me he has sport and music. Sport maybe but it is his religion he goes too far with that it’s a problem and he could not do the same if he had a life outside. And the music, if you think one day live thanks to ii (or if you wait for it to happen before leaving your father) you put your finger in the eye up to the elbow.

Cyprineman: well why? I told you: we move on and we do otherwise
Padawan: we will see in some time maybe
Cyprineman: I cannot do more, if you tell me no you reject me and that it’s just excuses
Padawan: there’s no “we will another way” thing because it will always be there
Cyprineman: the problem is that I have a depression and I try to get out without the meds … you sermon “without pills” but you like the metallers who takes whole tubes of anxiolytic … it is less boring
Padawan: No I never wanted him to take medication
Cyprineman: yeah well he took and that’s why he is bearable if not he would be in the same condition even worse than me
Padawan: not necessarily

Comment: the metallers he’s a guy who claps crises alone where he bangs head against the wall, where he insults people on FB, etc. In 2013 he told me that his (single) ex had complained against him for harassment. He said she was a bitch who exaggerated. Now as soon as a girl is interested in him a little bit, it ends she complains of being harassed. And he always denies! I think he does not even realize ! Before, I believed him, until he starts acting like that with me. That day, I understood … so yeah, I think it does him good to take antidepressants. Moreover, the metallers one day started to flirt with a girl that me and Padawan had gang-banged. Miraculously he managed to fuck her (once will not hurt – I still do not understand how or why) and there Padawan felt as bad as me but he made the fake-ass and did nothing and said him nothing. It is me who had a heaache with him. Padawan did not support me, just in the shadows. Maybe he was playing a double game, on reflection, that’s really courageous!

Cyprineman: so you’ve got principles but apparently your comfort always comes first
Padawan: every case is unique
Cyprineman: you reject me because of my depression
Padawan: you want me to all with you

Comment: people, it is often that. Full of principles! But when they have to realize they rarely follow their principles. That’s why the French have followed the Nazis while been able to look in the mirror again after.

Cyprineman: I hope you’ll step back and understand how unfair you’re and you’ll not be too proud to come back to me
Padawan: nothing to do with that I’ll just wait that you’ll feel better

Comment: So, basically, we’re friends but just when I’m not sick. What a little motherfucker! After that I removed him from my Facebook. And I do not regret. I do not want to hurt him but I do not miss him. I prefer to leave him in his world and coming back in real life.

Thereafter, for him?

Now that I will not be there to bring him chicks, what he will do? Going on an online app (ease), take the first coming and to couple with her.

Then call her “pussy” force her to play sports, play the romantic while he is dying to fuck others, to eat organic, only fruits and vegetables, talk to her about his theories about plot, denigrating everything and everyone (especially me I guess), fuck her without condoms because he cannot have AIDS because he makes sport and eat organic (yes he told me that). You understand, his immune system is at his top!

She’ll piss him off, he will call her idiot but won’t tell her. He will stay with her a few months while it no longer works “because a girl with me should be treated like a princess.” Then they’ll break up because she will understand that this guy does more bad than good although at first it can give good advice on the lifestyle, he is way too extreme.

Well, pff. Especially the guy still said a few months that he would not go in a serious relationship with a girl he barely knows, especially if she is not blonde, tall and Nordic. Lately he had a date with a girl but fantasized about her sister, true story.

Completely incoherent, this guy. He said that life was better anywhere else but here. But he never did anything to move. He prefers to remain inactive and lament. And above all, criticizing those who do things.

The positive: I fucked a girl in my car.

I found on Tinder a girl who I was just talking to in high school. We said hello, I made her jokes (I was a clown before) but that’s it. She was cute.

I had not said to her that I recognized her at first (we lost touch after high school) but I told her after sex. Like what, it is never too late to fuck a girl but it’s not a reason to procrastinate.

Online game very classic : I did her the routine questions, one of the most powerful techniques I know and that I give for not much money considering its power in my ebook about seduction online.

When asked about her fantasies, she replied “I want to make love in a car.” I have proposed to carry it out, she played the holy hypocrite but I played the game : the one who reassured her and everything.

We finally went for a drive and I fucked her on my back seat. Not without tachycardia.
Otherwise, the English I mentioned last time, it’s case closed too. But I’m too excited to further develop.

See you later.

I leave you with Padawan’s last FR full of bad faith (3 November 2014):

Yesterday I was on a mission with a pole dancer. I must say that I did not really like her face in the different pictures she had put online but her little body looked firm so I went there!

Place Richelme at 21:15. I finally went on the fountain of the Town Hall Square in the meantime because I was ahead. I must admit I was stressed to death! “And what if she is ugly! I’ll have to bear the whole evening” I said to myself… well my stress has vanished when she arrived. A small blue-eyed brunette pretty class, very very fine and full of good energy! We begin to look for a bar while chatting: it was a misery because it was a Sunday and also because there was a match of the OM (Mongolian Olympic). I let you imagine the atmosphere in the bars … We ended up at the mansion. There were not many people. It’s been a while since I had not gone there.

She takes a mojito and me a virgin mojito … “ying and yang” I said. She then tells me she has just been hypnotized by a guy in a show. So I took the opportunity to say some bullshit. I was a little less relaxed when a band came just next to us to watch the game! Her, she does not care and tells me that she has a difficult past, she saw a guy dying at Les Prêcheurs in her arms … because of a ball. Outch! I also told the aggression of last year … We talk a lot about sport and that, it makes me happy J

The manor then locks so we go onto a bench at Les Cardeurs, she is cold, so I let my hands wander on her back, her thighs. Then we each meet a friend, what reduces the voltage but I manage to raise the temperature quickly. His friend also confused me with her ex! “Yes he had a square face and blue eyes like you! He was handsome” and I answer “I know I am handsome” with the appropriate subtext what makes her blush. Despite my heat, she wants to go in her car. She wanted to go but did not want it to end up there 🙂 She wants to drop me right next to my car, so we leave direction Les Prêcheurs (the place she wants to avoid).

Once there we talk again about hypnosis: she shows me videos it’s pretty crazy, I would like to understand how it works, even to game with! People fall asleep and cannot do anything … She said she is very tired (because of hypnosis and probably alcohol), I took her several times in my arms and she comes next to me to fall asleep then wakes up. At that time, she drools a little … I had already submitted her by the look so I did it again, go deep in my seat. At a moment she started talking I had an impulse, I grabbed her neck and I kissed her. She likes it and so do I, a little shy but very sweet tongue. I shortened it all and quickly went out of her car, as if I was running away. “With a kiss I feel better, let’s go to sleep,” she nods when I get into my car she looks at me still quite upset and happy.

In short, a nice evening! On the other hand, I wonder if she will send me a message … seen what happened with the last two ones, I do not know what block my game right now. It’s strange but I do not feel it, one more time! I forgot to say that throughout the evening, a guy she had seen on Friday (met on Tinder) kept harassing her … unbelievable … I’m glad to have realized the use of the subtext too. I thought about that all evening and I have to say it helped me a lot with the intonation of my voice it’s a formidable weapon! I’ll use it all the time J

Next night out, Tuesday or Wednesday, it depends on my favorite wingman!

The comments :

My answer: if you do not feel it, it’s a good sign because last time you felt it haha!
the subtext it’s a weapon of Cajun, you’ll discover in my translation coming out soon

His answer: Well after I got anxious because I’m afraid that it is repeating. An idea of ​​why and how the blocking point?

My answer: You lecture them too much (and you brag and you clear off as a thief)

His answer: But yesterday I calmed down: p and I did it before … it had not prevented me from going further several times!

My answer: you’ve maybe missed some pretty butts anyway

His answer: Maybe … and you influence me, me too I want 100% :p (1date = 1FC) maybe this is why I am not satisfied. One year and a half ago, it was so awesome for me to kiss a girl this way … Well she did not send the message, I did send one but I knew she was not going to answer. After all, I don’t give a fuck, she’s cute but not much : p

May the God of Game gives us all a penis AND a vagina. It will be easier!

November 28th 2014,

After Benzema in French national team, after Cavani in PSG and Thauvin in OM… here is : Cyprineman, the man who fucks up goal-scoring opportunities.

I subscribed on Tinder (click for advice to pick up on Tinder), two-three weeks ago, something like that. I’m not saying that there are no interesting girls on this app, there are. I’m not saying not that there are no attractive girls, there are. I’m just saying that I made it for the intellectual side of the online pick up… then that I made some shit at the last moment. For example, I negotiated sometimes hardly a meeting at girls’ flats, in the schedule I wanted, then I didn’t go there (I warned a little all the same even if it was at the last moment … something like 10 minutes before the date).

Why that ? I don’t know, I think that on one hand my anxiety attacks play on my libido. I am not in shape, all the time tired with lousy pains, the fear of bleeding and the ears that whistle. Then on the other hand, the fact that I don’t care of these girls. I mean that in spite of the fact I am kapout for almost 6 months, Virginie always stayed with me, always awesome, she has never disappointed me (needs to say that me too I teach her fundamental things like the carfucking, the streetfucking, the parcfucking and maybe soon the cinema-fucking (I dunno how we does but she always has free tickets)).

Isn’t it finally the ultimate purpose of the game, to find love? I think of all the guys who fuck girls without really liking women, without any real objective … just to prove to themselves things or to take their revenge in the infinity on this girl who rejected them at high school (big up the coach of Marseille !). I think that there are people who look for love all their life, and that we were lucky enough (had the opportunity) to find it, a little bit accidentally (by chance).

I’m not talking about a shitty concept which makes that we are OK together, I speak about a thing that happened in spite of us because none of us looked for love when we met up. And, since then, we are still very good together. It has been one and a half year now since we are in a “so called” open-relationship (“so called” because in the facts I didn’t do much elsewhere recently and she neither). I have affection, sex and love of a girl who is awesome according to my criteria. Sometimes, I don’t feel good, then she comes next to me, in my arms and puts her head on my breast while we watch a cartoon together and we fall asleep in front of as children. So, the game, I am a little about to say to myself that it’s time that we make a break, it and me. Or maybe not… My psychic balance is not very good then I do not know how I would react if I take out a domain of satisfaction of my life … I don’t know if I shall not fall into the darkness.

The main story

I thus game now in dilettante (since a few weeks) girls without any need and often without real desire for them. Indeed, what more could they bring me? However, the first day on Tinder, an interesting girl told me that she was going to unsubscribe, but she gave me her Snapchat a little bit hastily before. I added her but I received nothing, I did not understand why. In fact, I had an old version of Snapchat and received only images, not texts. Well, after she called me “noob” we a little warmed and I was entitled to any sorts of tests, like “I have two sexfriends yet, why would I need you ? (the answer follows)
– I am alone at my parent’s at 50km from your place, do you wanna come to fuck me? = > (5mn later) ah no too late they came back, you didn’t left, I hope ? (No, no, no risk it is too far)
– c’mon send me a picture of you naked and if we can’t see your dick it’s because you have a tiny one (no I don’t answer to pure provocation nor attempts to destabilize)
– I have a cold sore I won’t be able to suck you when you will visit me (so sad but I don’t buy it)
– You think that my ass is not worth it if you don’t invite me at your place (of course it is)
– You know that you approached my friend too on Tinder ? She looks interested, if you want I leave you together because we have not fucked yet together and I even can send you her number (no no we shall make a 3some).”

In brief, I liked that one at once. Already because she had a red pants on her photo of profile on Tinder, then especially because she is cute (brunette with green eyes, fair skin, attractive face) and very hot body (1m70, nice tits, flat stomach, attractive ass) with a soft/bawdy nature. Her description was “bi not follower”, and although that she tells me that it was a joke of Foresti, I smelt the curious heterosexual. She defines herself as a nympho “princess”. In the course of the conversation, she told me she hadn’t enjoyed for almost one month in spite of her two PQ (she abbreviates her sex things as the toilet paper it is rather degrading btw). I said to myself that it was maybe necessary that I do something for her, in my big indulgence.

Having let drag her case during a long moment, I decided to propose her a date. She was afraid that I am a miserable ugly and a serial killer in addition thus she dragged a little her feet (but not that much… anyway when I was not satisfied I answered no more and she did feed the conversation. I negotiated and eventually invited me at her home in Aix last Wednesday evening at 6 pm (arrived at 6:30 pm of course) in her studio (not to record an album with the sound of her groans).

I am not very well in fact since last WE, on Friday I was in Lyon for the funeral of an uncle and on Saturday we made the moving of my brother but it was a nameless mess and I screwed up two coast and the pond. For the gratitude of a guy who was only pouting speaking badly of me in my back in front of the removal men he had hired… Well, the positive, it is because my nephew even if her mother smoked during all the pregnancy was born and is normal. I wish him no bad things after all. He is not responsible for the bullshit of his parents.

In brief, when I arrived in the hall of the building of the girl, I was quite cold, and I had the pulse at 120. I said to myself “fuck, she will think that I’m impressed by her while in fact I’m just affected by Generalized Anxiety Disorder“. I leaned on the wall to give me some volume and I saw arriving a classy and joyful hottie, in a dress.

Arrived in her studio (former hotel room where the bathroom, the crappers and the kitchen make only one) : I made some remarks on the decoration to make her comfortable (it was very girly but she had cut girls’ photos in underwear from fashion magazines). There were a lot of apples in a basket there then I said “you are like Eve you are a little devourer of apples”. I asked politely if I could put my stuff on her office and she watched me to estimate me. Just to make me comfortable (irony), she asked me if the first message I sent her on Tinder was a copy and paste or not, then I had to admit my crime in honest security. She asked me if I wanted some tea (because I had told her “invite me to drink a tea or other stuff at your home
– especially other stuff!” I told her that no thank you, that it was just for teasing her that I had said that but that if she had made some I would drink it gladly of course. It was not the case, in any case. Problem solved. In reality, even drinking some tea puts me under stress, that accelerates my heart and everything.

Apparently, she was surprised by my simplicity, that it is cool. Otherwise, she is a big fan of mangas apparently : she watched some by waiting for me thus I sit on the sofa next to her. We talked of this and that, while I caressed her arm and leg casually. I guess that it warmed well her because at a given moment, she rose astride on me and kissed me in the neck and everything but not on the mouth. Then I did the same thing. That makes me laugh when it is the female who comes looking for the alpha male so that he fertilizes her while he is rather passive. The role reversal, it is classy. Like the lion in the savanna. Kiss. Then she told me that she was going to unfold her sofa bed. She got up, I caught her before she can do anything, kissed her then put my hand under her dress. It was dipped, then I made her come with my magic fingers. She said that I looked like my photos and that it was great because usually she did not invite the guys directly at her place and there is always something that fucks the deal up : excessive shyness, shrill voice, etc.

That did a world of good to her that I take care of her, I guess, because she removed her dress. I understand her, it was too hot. We unfolded the bed, I lengthened her above in her small quite cute pink underwear. I then made her enjoy with my tongue and my fingers. She would have taken food from my hands at this moment, I guess, so much she liked it. In brief, I lied down next to her, the time she needed to recover, then I unfastened her bra, she took off my pants and everything and sucked me (I had told her that sometimes it fall alone this damned jean but that did not happen that very day).

After 5 minutes, seriously, I asked her to stop: I could not handle more! A girl so hot, having warmed me 3 weeks on Snap, then there having made her come twice: I could not handle more, me!!! I told her to rise on me, we put a condom and she fucked me. It was funny: she too much wanted to know if I had condoms in my jacket while she had some in her drawer, it was to be sure that I was a not guy who had AIDS. Careful and interesting strategy!!!

Then, she showed me her dildo (she named it Dorcel), I reloaded, took her in missionary, she told me “oh yes oh fuck you are just on my G-spot go on” then I fucked her very hardly and she came one more time. She asked me how it was possible that I made her enjoy 3 times in 1 hour, mystery… I caught her hips to ask her to turn around and I took her doggy-style. Then, we a little spoke, she asked me why I was quite white like that. I had to tell her my problems. She told me “you cannot be cardiac dude, otherwise you would never have been able to make me what you have just made for me” or then “no you are too hot to die“. That pleases me to hear that. Finally here we are, if I can do it in my state, with a GAD, I think that you should all be able to dominate your body language like an actor, at least enough time to fuck hot girls.

Too cute and nice, the girl. Really kind. Then, she cooked me pastas in the shape of phallus (good girl), of different colors (in vegetables). It was funny. We a little spoke about her friends and about her PQ. She has a buddy who finds me ridiculous, and ugly, and who did not want that she sees me. Her other PQ, a kind of of fat-bellied Tunisian and with an any face (but you understand he is a DJ who has 1900 fans on FB ahalala – me I don’t care I have 14 000 of it) began to tell her that I had a big nose and everything and that I was ugly and everything. In brief, fortunately that she thinks for herself otherwise she would always be limited to these lambda guys who take themselves for geniuses but who are in fact big jealous persons incapable to make her enjoy correctly.

She had all the same 14 lovers before me. Finally, two serious guys, then lovers. She told me that she trained to kiss guys in clubs because her two “serious” boyfriends had not taught her how to kiss well nor how to fuck well… but that « When you learn how to suck then you know how to kiss ». Seriously, true story. When she asked me how much I lovers I had, me, I told her 61 girls to don’t frighten her too much (I have a little bit subtracted 100). She told me that thus from 61 girls of experience, fucks were perfect. Then she revealed me that what she looks for with her lover’s, it is:
– That he is funny = > understand: not weird
– That he has some experience = > understand: that he is a good fuck
– I’ve forgotten the two other characteristics sorry but both above are the most important for her.

What is funny it is that she started calling me Cyprininien after sex, while she had not read neither my blog, nor absolutely nothing. Thus those who imagine that if I fuck girls so easily at the 1st date and everything it is because they are sexual freed madwomen who warmed on my blog: know that it is wrong!!! And that you could do it too with the good state of mind and the good communication instead of being sick envious persons. Get to work!

Personally, that would have been enough for me to stop there. But, after eaten, the nympho princess has jumped again on her almost charming prince. She sucked me a good moment on her knees in front of the sofa then I banged her very violently and for a long time doggy-style against the desk, while she still had her top (me I had just dimmed my pants). I guess that I flooded her a new pair of underwear. Cool: I forgot myself and dismissed her.

Then, I made her a cuddle and went back home : it was like 1:30 am. I made a little aquaplaning on the road, it rained hardly, the route was dangerous and everything, but me I was just afraid of dying from the heart, half an hour after having finished the sexual intercourse… It is completely irrational, fuck. Every time there was a surge under the car, I saw myself having an accident and dying. By going back home, I was quite cold, quite white, I smelt like sex and I was afraid of dying. I went to bed like that by thinking that I would not wake up the next day. At night, I woke up: anxiety attack, shivers, then big bellyache … I immediately said to myself that her weird pastas had poisoned me, of course.

In brief, it is very hard all this, I cannot imagine myself at all in one month or something … I have a very short-term vision of things, life and very negative thoughts about everything. I say to myself that maybe, I have this negative faith saying that I am going to die by going in for sport or by fucking violently, then the fact of doing it and of seeing that it makes me absolutely nothing, well that makes mental conflict (incoherence). Then, my unconscious understands nothing and reacts by rises of fears. It is what I say to myself at the moment.

If it was not because that put me so bad after sex (nothing to do with her, she has just motivated me to move my ass), I would gladly see her again all the same “for the pleasure”. For once that a girl is hanndsome and dirty and cool and everything, is not a headache to me and sucks my cock well… why would I not want to see her again? But in the facts, I do not know if that is going to be made, because I have my mental that fucks up my life and because all the same I prefer Virginie who is my sweetheart (this has nothing to do as relation – you cannot compare).

Moreover, funny anecdote: both practice qi-gong (as well as the friend of Red pants that I tried to pick up on Tinder and that we will soon try to corrupt for a 3some because they spoke about it together and that turns them on). I guess that they go at the same class but I didn’t go farther into the matter too much. The world is really small in Aix.

The next day, I sent her a message to ask her if she had recovered well from turns of foot. She told me that yes, and that she looked forward to do it again… Awww sweetie !

Funny anecdote

I am now going to tell you another nice trying to pick up I made on Tinder. With an English. Since then, she does not stop sending me messages to suggest coming “to sleep” with me… and I pretend to be asleep or to have not received her texts. I do not think that I shall fuck her in the end because I am in crisis of ill-being at the moment but I put you the trying to pick up for love of the art. To understand well, needs to know that I have a photo on Tinder in which I have captain’s cap and mask – pirate’s eye. In homage to Cajun (I will soon publish my translation of his blog).

What excited me with her, it she that had a photo in which we saw her jumping almost naked into a river with just her little black string: “Tell me you were drunk when you jumped half naked in the water
– yeah, far too much wine! you make a good pirate…
– did you ever kiss a captain pirate ?
– No, it’s one of my life ambitions though…
– Lol you’re cool I totally adopt you as my new little sister
– Little sister is not what I expected
– Haha, i’m teasing you. Wanna take a bath with me ?
– Ah exciting ! yeah where do you live ? I’m in Eguilles“. Then, I took her Snapchat, sent her two-three topless photos and now she too much wants to fuck me. Cool! We shall see well what I am going to decide to finish !

In brief, I don’t go out often anymore, thus I game on Tinder. For the anecdote, I hated Tinder for a long time because I had an old version and thus saw only people who had the same version than me … ie 3 country bumpkins a week. But now that I updated the app, that gets better, way more people. Red pants was right: I am a noob. Lol.

Other news

About the girl Padawan wanted to fuck in the previous FR, know that he was rejected and is now extremely offended. After having been « a perfect east girl with whom he shared too many things » when he thought that he was going to bang her, he started criticizing the girl on all the domains… now: she is fat, not beautiful, do not go in for sport, is idiot, does not think for herself, etc. Interesting as psychological case…

I take advantage of this news section to tell an incident that pissed me off. There are guys out there who take a malicious pleasure with systematically poking in my friends’ list or approaching on the Internet the girls I fucked after having read my FR. It is not so much for the girls that it disturbs me, it is more for the principle.

When we exchange girls during an orgy, it’s a thing. But when the guys are going to try to pick up girls on Facebook because you fucked them it is a little a shit. I feel used in fact.

I aim here at Padawan and at his buddy The Gothic. To don’t name them.

It is human to think only about yourself and to use the others egoistically (I’m not just mad at them for that) : but it is disappointing, especially, to see that the others take advantage of the fact I am weakened. Even those who say they have values like Padawan. I would say even ESPECIALLY those who say they have values because they are in fact traitors. I fall from a height (come down with a bump).

Then, often they do not really assume because they know that that is going to annoy me but the call of the dick is the strongest then they go there all the same, and accuse me of not being cool if I grumble. Me, when someone tells me that such guy approach a girl, if I am also going to try to pick up her without speaking to him about it, it is because I really want to piss him off. Then, what could I deduct from their attitude? That these people who claim being my friends have at the bottom of them the desire to piss me off? They would be hypocrites who use me because without me their sexual life would have been very empty? Seen the difference between when I knew them and now (one had known only 2 girls and was in couple with a girl with whom he didn’t have sex for a while, the other didn’t have sex for 6 years)… I am entitled to wonder sometimes but well maybe it is simply that they are awkward in human relations. The benefit of the doubt lasts for some time.

The thing is that friendship and girls should not enter conflict like that… Then when stops the friendship for a pussy? When is it better to fuck a girl hoping that our buddy do not take it too badly rather than not fucking her and moving our ass to find another one…?

When we introduce me to girls, or even when I fuck the girls of buddies during orgies: I never contact them again after, to avoid this kind of problem, exactly. Then, I would like that the others also do it from now on (we cannot return on the past but we can act on the future).

Certainly, the girls belong to everybody (or to nobody), but when you pass by me to fuck friends of mine, I feel disappointed and like the fall guy. Especially when in the end, the guys in question progress little in seduction because when they try to pick up girls, they fuck very often only girls you have already fucked (and still that don’t work every time).Actually, with the other girls when we start from scratch, it works clearly less well… Curious eh ? Hey yes, when we read the FR, we have fewer uncertainties later, we know who to target and on which buttons to push.

There, I refused to tell Padawan who was the girl in the Red pants on FB then he grumbles. I don’t give a shit. I don’t want that he sends her a message or that his buddy the Metalhead The Gothic sends her a poke like « so I heard that Fabrice made you come three times you know I can give you orgasms too… » It is a total disrespect of the Geneva conventions of sex.

In brief, even if I become paranoid and even if I’m particularly bad at the moment (I am willing to admit that I am put under stress), I would prefer all the same that the guys in questions lead their own trying to pick up totally independent from me, on virgin of all known FR targets. Otherwise I shall eventually consider that they have a lack of confidence and that they take an unhealthy pleasure to prove to themselves that they “can” fuck the same pussies than me (even if they need 4 months to do the thing I quickly get). And going into this kind of fight of ego or of competition of lousy cock does not interest me.

Do you understand? The problem it is not that I’m mad because of the girls, after all everyone is free. The thing is because it gets on my nerves that they do not become independent and that they progress little finally. And, fuck off, I have the right of not being happy when it happens slightly too often, I have the right to be irritated when I make efforts so that the others do not find themselves in this situation but when those same people make so that it happens to me! And the answer « It is your problem if you make efforts to treat us carefully but us we do what we want » is not acceptable when you claim you are the friend of somebody.

Well, otherwise I don’t care, I have Virginie (they do not risk to touch her) and from time to time a hottie out of their league I find in bonus by myself (satisfaction++) ! In brief, let’s move on… but it had to be said!

Otherwise, me who am religious, I begin to give up the prayer and everything. I am so bad that I go away from what I would like to be. It pisses me off ! Besides my psychotherapist encourages me in this way… I do not know if it is a good thing, to lose the faith, to question everything.

Finally, via my blog, a guy sent me that “I’ve tried several coaches and you’re the best. Your blog is awesome. They all are big headed. Their stuff is just marketing. They are not honest. This is just the basics. I’m not at all impressed. They don’t like if you’re not bad. They don’t know how to listen to you. They have lost themselves in the game, but not you. Their ego lost them. It’s my truth. They just want money. The coachings are not really personalized : 5 people by session… pff. I’m glad you’re there.”

May the God of the Game be with us !

October 27th 2014,

My therapy is in progress. It is an analysis + EMDR with a doctor in human sciences. It is rather long as work on yourself (from more than one month to several years). In any case much longer than a handjob by Megan Fox. The good news is I am not crazy, and that loving so much women (as well as making love to them) is not a pathology. It is even a way to sublimate my fears and to evacuate my stress, according to him.

It also seems that my Aura stopped being weak and transparent, it is now purple: thus at the energy level I’m much better.

It looks effective, the EMDR, my mother does it too (we try to heal without pills). I dunno if I have already spoken about it here or not but since this Spring, she didn’t go much out of her bed and drank 7 coffees a day to do… not much. While complaining about an intense fatigue. She has 4 or 5 sessions ahead of me and there she is finally cured of her depression, in mode “awww life is so beautiful we have to enjoy“. Awesome when you know that ten days ago, she got up only to eat and grumble. She had a click and feels much less oppressed in the morning in the awakening.

Well… I am not there now, I am still afraid of dying, it is irrational because I have nothing but well that is the way it is. More or less constantly, I say to myself that I am going to fall, that my strengths are going to abandon me (sudden death). And when I have a pain in the arm or in the breast, then there, it is the end of the world (symptoms of the infarct). But on the other hand when I feel absolutely nothing, I am afraid that my heart stops. I always anticipate the worst: I imagine to feel faint, to lose eyesight, to become handicaped, etc. In the end, up to here nothing of all this happened but these thoughts and this permanent osculation persist beyond the logic and exhaust me.

I am in a case of neurosis it is hard, but well it seems that I can heal. Furthermore, being neurotic guarantees me that I am not psychotic nor pervert thus it is rather reassuring (structures of the personality). There is always good things in bad things. And, by the way, everybody is neurotic. At some point.

In fact, I have physiologically nothing according to doctors but my spirit complicates things, and it creates some stress. The irony is it is this same stress that can make me sick for real, in the end. I don’t know how I put myself in this situation, so it is difficult to know how I am going to go out there… But I act now, I have stopped being my own victim, even if it still requires a permanent effort. Like, even if I am frightened to death, I makes few hours of sport abs, kicks, stretching (I have not gone back to tae kwon do yet).

I go to yoga too. I’ve found a really nice and inspiring teacher. She was cured of a multiple sclerosis thanks to yoga. This scerosis was due to an intense guilt due to the death of her sister, according to her, as well as to the fact that she really felt ill at ease. She also made a heart attack but death does seem to put under stress her more than. She tells me that it is just as when we change car and that anyway “whatever happens, happens“. Me I absolutely don’t wanna die especially because it would hurt those who stay and who love me (Virginie, my parents…) She also makes me Enelph massages with finish. There is just acupuncture I have not tried yet, but I had already gave it a try briefly few years ago. And that had not given much result.

I also cultivate the positive thought and I feed on healthy readings as “Le corps quantique” that speaks about the huge potential of cure of the human body and mind. But I remember also a lot of bad or negative things in all this: for example, what perturbs me is the only example of nocebo in the book: a guy who was so afraid of making an infarct that he thought about it all the time and eventually died from it while the doctors had found nothing. The yoga teacher also puts me under stress a little by saying that my ill-being can come from waves of mobiles or wifi… and that there is nothing we can do about it. Well, it’s really a mess in my head. I’ll finish paranoiac !!!

Well, big amelioration, on Saturday evening: we went out in Aix with Padawan. First night out since May, I guess. Thus it is a very good sign (as when a girl suggests you taking her back at her home to watch a movie): the phoenix is reborn from cyprine.

The story. I have Internet that works very very badly at the apartment then Padawan tried to fix it on Saturday evening but well … nothing to do. My access provider should send me a technician. I’m sick of it because I fell in love with the girl who plays in La crème de la crème (I could put her some cream everywhere) then I can’t wait to download the movie. I guess that her name is Alice Isaaz, and she is my new virtual darling (fuck she is naked in no movie).

When we had stopped crafting, it was already midnight then we said to ourselves that we would maybe do better to go to bed (ease for me). Well, at the same time, my purpose is to do my best to fight my fears thus I said that it would be good all the same to go at least a few minutes in town. Just going out, walking, getting a breath of fresh air. We did not move of the sofa for all that until I pronounce this mythical sentence “we never know on a misunderstanding we can come back with two girls each” and it made my buddy Bob the builder react.

With this, we went out to face the cold. We joined a little bit hastily a girl that Padawan tried to pick up on Tinder all summer, a Czech. He already went on 2 dates with her but no kiss yet and she began to send shitty messages like fake-lover who questions on the attraction she feels for him. Needs to say that she was formated well by French silly bitches “the French men are hot it is necessary to keep them waiting and doubting so that they respect you“. No comment !!!

But this evening, she was with 5 foreign friends. Among which one pure hottie the kind deserving to pose for a magazine, an east girl too. An English cutie. A tall brunette with blue eyes. One who would be attractive but a little bit fat. And a really fat one (poor girl).

I made a bad joke in French to say hello: very beautiful and English cutie burst out laughing. I saw them a little as the golden medal and the consolation prize. I asked them if they had understood my joke, they told me that no and they have burst out laughing again. OK. Then, there were a lot of EC + smiles + they looked down. And then, they spoke between them by looking at me. I said to myself “I certainly poked them and they are saying to themselves that I am a pervert, otherwise that would mean that they all like very much me but I do not think I am such a handsome boy all the same“. In mode Aix-en-Provence parano.

They wanted to go to the IPM (piss-smelling club for foreigners). I was pulled between the fear of going out and the desire to follow the ass of the very beautiful who walked in front of me. Taken by the Padawan’s enthusiasm, I followed the movement of the buttocks (hers not him). Needs to say that it was not bad this curve, even if her pants did not really emphasize her. They came in free of charge, normal, they are hot. The entry cost us 5 euros. What an injustice! About Padawan’s target, I do not understand what he likes with her : plump, very short hair like a flapper … To me, average but well he did not touch girls for several months (when I am not here he has no result, it is astounding this lack of initiative and this return of his nature of AFC when he is with his other buddies).

In the bar/club, they stayed between them in circle, in mode “a little bit wild”. Two beautiful blondes spent their time drinking (I had never seen that certainly the new fashion: a glass of alcohol and a glass of water at the same time) and to stare at me, so to speak. I tried to look cool by resting me against the bar and by maintaining their eye-contactss. But I was fucking put under stress inside. They came talking to Padawan (“why don’t you dance ?
– did you ever see James Bond dancing ?” and they avoided me. “Do I smell?” I wondered over the moment. I have a rather negative internal communication in fact, I realize it, certainly the repercussion of my anxiety attacks. Fortunately, after a while, I got lost in the music and I did not think any more about my heart. I relaxed and I was able to game more effectively.

The 6 foreigners then went to dance at the other end of the bar by leaving us alone between testicles as idiots. Mamadou Segpa would have said “OK fuck off“. Then at a given moment, the English cutie came speaking to me, to tell me a commonness “why don’t you dance ?
– did you ever see James Bond dancing ? No ? Then don’t break my balls” and there I put my hand on her shoulder. To answer the disinhibited question, she put her hand on my hip. We looked at each other in the eyes, I made the Cajun’s technique of body language (I’m translating his blog) : she liked very much it, the rosbeef girl (sorry but I eat no meat anymore). At the moment I said English-style “I find you funny” and I gave her a kiss on the cheek, she tried to turn to touch my mouth. I smiled with a naughty face and she asked me why I was smiling so foolishly by looking at her then I told her that bodies spoke much more than words and thus I started talking to her about the “good weather” while caressing her thigh. I then asked her to show me how they dance in her country: she acted like a pure stripper. That turned me on. I asked her if she was a jukebox: I pressed on her nose and she began singing. Later I made a bit of cold reading, manipulative I admit it “you are a shy girl
– yes
– but you know what you want
– yes
– and now what do you want ?” and she kissed me. She wanted to dance with me then I put my jacket in the cloakroom “It is to put my jacket, if it is not obvious.
– haha. Are you superstitious ?
– yes why ?
– ok you had the ticket number 666 but I give you the 667 then
– thank u bro.”

Then she told me that her friend and Padawan had gone one two dates but that there they acted as distant friends. I decided that we were going to help them to conclude. She briefed her friend and I grabbed her ass to pass the time (to the English). She returned towards me “someone just slaped my ass” I roared, then she understood that it was me. I said that I was going to make it up for her, took her head between my hands and approached her mouth then I removed myself at the last moment. She left like hurt. They are all so sensitive !

So I visited her friend, the kind of very hot perfect model coming out from a fashion magazine but dressed like my grandmother (it’s OK because she is a fucking hottie then that gives her a style). It is maybe the fashion in the Eastern countries to be 50 years behind us speaking about clothes. I’m not kidding, I have already noticed this phenomenon on VK ( the Russian FB). In brief, I told her “someone just slapped my ass” (private joke) and she did not laugh, she even pout. Then a guy tried to approach her and she rejected him, I commented “c’mon he is a famous French Pick Up Artist” she did not laugh either, she did not look at me any more in eyes and did not smile any more. “Ok fuck off“.

So I said the same thing to the English. That made her laugh, HER. Phew. Then I accused her of having been nasty with me by leaving like that and I asked her to make it up for me. She kissed me again and this time I warmed her well, kisses in the neck, wandering hands (“my hands are invisible nobody can see what I’m doing to you, you are the only one who can feel them” (I should do the same speech with my dick)), etc. At a given moment, I don’t know why, I said that I was going to teach her a French word and I taught her “navel” (in French : nombril) so I connected to her with my index in her navel by kissing her. She probably found it very weird. Well, she took advantage of it to touch my abs by saying “nombril ?”

We looked for her friend and Padawan who had disappeared. In the smoker corner, she sat then I sat on her as a child on his mom. I was maybe not a good idea because it is childish (not dominating alpha) but well, that made me laugh over the moment.

At a given moment, she told me she had to leave. I answered “fuck off“. And she left the party. Padawan has FINALLY kissed his girl in front of the club. It seems that she said like a fanatic with eyes of dogs in heat “grrrrrrrrrr it’s not enough for me I want more“. They nevertheless went to sleep to the hottie’s, and we were not even invited. Pff, what a waste, 4 frustrated people while it could have been zero instead.

Out of the club at 3 hours, arrived at my place at 3 hours. Long live the time change!

Well then, Padawan told me that his friend had revealed him that her 5 friends wondered which one was going to fuck me. I was in a way the prize and that makes my ego feel good. Modjo ! They apparently like very much the French young men who look serious with their shirt and their glasses. Good to know.

On my way back, I realized that I had forgotten to take the number of the English. But it doesn’t matter, I was especially disappointed to don’t have fucked hard the beautiful model because she wanted me at the beginning and then was hurt that I choose her friend (in fact it is rather her friend who chose me). Thus at the same time the other one moved her ass so she deserved it whereas the very beautiful wanted that I pay her a drink of champagne “to celebrate the end of my studies” (mine in addition eh not hers). Venal but well with such eyes: we forgive her. I shouted “karolinnnnnnnnnnn I love you” on my way back. I guess that it is the God of the Game who had put her on my road to tell me that it was time to make my comeback (and not my coming-out). I am disappointed because I have not believed enough in myself (while every time I see a hottie like that I should say to myself that there is always one guy who fuck her and that she has certainly banged an uglier guy than I yet, just like Alice Isaaz who kissed Kev Adams, certainly it was in a movie but yuck all the same).

Let’s remember the positive: I am proud of having gone out!

I hope that we will see them again (needs that Padawan game well his girl): I should then play hardly to have the one that I want but well am I not Cyprineman? The best pussylicker in the entire city?!

In fact it has been a long time since last time a girl had motivated me like that, she could enter directly my top 10. My libido is back. But do not make a mistake on my intentions, like Rico “I respect her yihaaaaaa“. I just want to see her naked and to ejaculate by admiring her so much she is hot. Like DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street, I do not think that I would hold for a long time the first time in her (but we never know). Besides that made me feel good to go out and realize that the danger is the others (we were all the same paintball shot in the middle of the street by some riffraff)… and not myself. I wonder why I am so much afraid of self-destruction. Certainly something that eats me from the inside (but still of the domain of the repressed unconscious). Some when they feel bad piss off the world, me that turns against myself. Not lucky !

Other things : I took my examination too, the one that enormously made me put under stress. Well, when you do up one year for 0.75 points and when play your future on 3 years hours without catching up (1 test), it is normal to don’t be serene. Well, that passed well, I think that this time it is good.

My sister-in-law is soon going to give birth also. That puts under stress me, I do not really know why. I feel it badly, this story. Certainly the responsibilities connected to the fact of being the godfather of the son of two irresponsible people…

May the God of the east girls be with us!

I hope that this text will be published one day on my blog, because that would mean that I shall have get away from there. “The housewife under 50 will not like that, in Cantal we shall not understand this” : I DON’T GIVE A SHIT I tell things as they are on this blog because nobody else dares. I don’t care about little jerks who are going to try to turn that in mockery to feel reassured, because I know very well that it can happen to them too. And that day, they will take it in the ass.

September 23rd 2014,

I do not really want to return in writing on what I live since this summer. Because speaking about it depresses me. I shall do it maybe later, with the benefit of hindsight, so that you understood why I did not give news for so long. I don’t fool myself, most of you don’t care anyway, and are selfish. I sometimes wonder why I try so hard to help the others with my blog while I really doubt the others would give tit for tat to me if they had the opportunity. Well, let’s talk about nicer things. I a little enjoyed life this WE. I am going to tell you this positive anecdote. Because “c’est bon pour le moral“, just like La compagnie créole.

In July, a girl added me on FB. Hot hot hot. But I already had no energy, all the time bellyache, etc. then I did not calculate her during almost one month. Then, a beautiful day of August (no I’m kidding we had a bad summer), I was fed up with the fact that she defies me like that (with her blue eyes and her beautiful butt) then I decided that we were going to play a little. And not only Scrabble.

I have liked one of her photos, she has liked one of mine. Hem, player. I like that. I have liked again one of hers, she has re-liked one of mine, etc. Fucking preliminary! We played like that for a few days, then we started poking. Things became serious between us…

I sent her a message (she had a photo disguised as angel and I had one disguised as devil thus I sent her my picture by saying that we complement each other and that it would be good if we complemented each other as well in the bed), we talked and I took her Snapshat (advice here) after two days. From there, we started sending naughty photos. It was quite exciting. Well, me, I was hard seen her hot body. Her, she was probably wet too, not that I am an Apollo but any man’s body can have some sexual power on a woman if we know how to manage it (advice here bis). That’s what frightens them and urges them to be bitches as a protection. Among legendary Snap “do you like riding or being astride?
– I make no horse but being astride a mount why not “. Not too much complicated and a little bit naughty as a girl, roughly.

I admit that she helped me to keep faith in the future and in humanity (especially concerning girls) all this time… but, at the same time it was frustrating, especially when I was at the very worst. I said to myself “fuck if I was in good shape I could fuck her hard right now“. Fortunately, she was comprehensive, maybe because she is nursing. I did not lie: I spoke to her about my health problems, about why I had returned at my parent’s, etc.. That did not scare her off . So much the better. I was surprised for the better: normally, a sick guy, that does not interest girls… Finally, it is what I had learnt in the game, the criteria of attraction, all this shit. Let’s note all the same that some have the syndrome of the nurse and become attached to the guys with problems. Nothing is absolute in seduction.

Well, we sent Snap during more than one month. I tried to make her come by car on the parking lot in front of to my parents and to fuck her on the back seat there (she does not live far) but she did not want to. Then, a beautiful day, she told me she finally have the house of her parents for her alone. And she wanted that I come sleeping with her! I was terrorized, especially that I had not really fucked hard for a while… I was afraid of dying during the sexual intercourse. Finally, I said to myself that it would not be the worst of the deaths then I gave it a try. Then she is nursing, it is a little bit reassuring. We feel reassured as we can! I wonder moreover if what would bother me would not more be to feel faint with an unknown. Because apparently, it is rather that, that I risk. Not sexy. But well. It is not the topic here, thus I am briefly going to tell you this shit that happens to me (small private conversation) and we come back to the story. I spent a pedal effort test at the hospital to see if my heart was well and I became quite pale then they stopped me for “lipothymiques sensations” (the thing that means nothing even in French). I cursed my parents to have made me in kit with a heart that works badly. Seriously, I made them a scandal. I was unfair. Then, I had to take an examination to see if my heart was malformed and no it is not the case… Then I spent 24 hours of holter and the conclusion it is that I have fewer extrasystoles than average people… But I feel them more because I am very nervous at the moment. It is in any case that, the theory of the doctors. It seems that there are even people who faint because of nerves, and that it is mild too. I get knocked in the breast, it is terrorizing. In brief, officially I have nothing, but in the practice I remain traumatized by the fact of not having made a success of this effort test and I am afraid of making heart attack as soon as my heart accelerates now (in staircases or other shit). It’s serious! And especially: that makes my life intolerable! I take my pulse as soon as I don’t feel good, sometimes I don’t find it thus I panic. I was always afraid of dying young, I don’t know why… I say to myself that I don’t deserve it, not with all the efforts I make for my health but that life is inequitable. Hoping that she proves me the opposite! While waiting for, I am afraid of being alone, of feeling faint and that nobody is here to save me. I want to do nothing, no project, because I say to myself that anyway I am going to die right in the middle… so I force myself to revise my exams and to work on my blog all the same. But even that, it is not easy.

On Saturday evening, I arrived at her home at about 8 pm, to eat some rice, at least officially. Unofficially, it was rather some meat than I was going to eat. She informed me that her sister came back from work (Mc Do) at 9:30 pm. She a little showed me her house then kissed me in the kitchen as to mean me that it was high time to turn to serious matters.

Then, we began to touch each other and she led me in her room. Her dog jumped on the bed then she did kick it outside. Too bad, I liked her dog, a nice face and everything. I would have liked well that it looked had us fucking. No, I’m just kidding, I did not break down that much. Two doggy for me alone, and her pussy that was asleep in the lounge : that would have been very cool.

I licked her during a long moment (the girl not her pussy well finally yes but in brief you understood…) She was tasty then I wanted her since a long time. She came once. I continued to lick her, in fact, I was afraid of screwing. She could not handle more then she knocked me down, we put a condom and she jumped on me to fuck me. I was very good and soft like that, then I let her do. “Come what may” I said to myself. I not specially felt my heart neither malaise nor anything. Then, she wanted that I come on her in missionary. OK, after a while I was more confident and began to really break her up. Then she turned, I took her doggy-style by caressing her clit. I felt her sex contracting “oh yes yes yes“. She came again. It restored my self-confidence and allowed myself to ejaculate. It was good even if I would have preferred to finish in her mouth. I would maybe had to ask her. Maybe next time. Then, we made a cuddle, I was proud of me and especially satisfied to be still alive. We showered to wash away our sins.

Then, her sister came back and she wanted to do nothing sexual any more. I was a little disappointed because I would have fucked her again with pleasure… It’s OK because her sister is sexy too, we forgive her. We ate some rice and tomatoes, because I take care of my liver too. I have the total. She had made cookies then well I tasted them. OK, it was good. But I was really tired around midnight, no more the habit to go to bed so late nor to do sport like that… Then, we settled comfortably on her bed and she fell asleep. I was sad, first because of the sheets “The Little Mermaid” but also because we were tightened in this little bed and because she did not want to suck me nor to have sex again because her sister was close by (she could hear us but she did not want that she joins us) and me I was hard then I was frustrated. I hesitated to give a fuck or to go in the bed of her sister, but it seems it is not polite. I caressed her, warmed her and everything but nothing to do. Well. Too bad, I respect.

We a little spoke all the same before she falls asleep. She is two years younger than I, but we were in the same middle school. Then, we take the same bus to come back from Aix (I really had the impression I had already seen her). We spoke about our childhood memories, there is a guy from our school I used to know, a young riffraff, who sends her his cock on Snap. He wants her to suck him but he has a girlfriend but says “being blown is not cheating on her”. Her, she is not really tempted (at least that’s what she says). But receiving cocks on Snapchat is flattering, understand her. 😉

Otherwise, she told me that she had never enjoyed yet. Nevertheless she already knew 9 guys before me. There she developed “I have never had so much pleasure, that it rose so much, as I contracted, and then, well, I felt nothing more a few seconds
– Yes, yes, you came my darling, it is good for you that. And twice in addition“. Fuck, really needs that I survive this shit that happens at me because there are really too many sex educations out there to be made.

She had read some of my adventures. It is one of her nursing friends who had sent her my blog by advising to her “you should read the little Aixois“. Then I had a reputation of itinerant fantasy to be honored with these two girls.

When I thanked her for cookies and doggy style, she thanked me for the magic tongue and the turns of foot. Cool ! I also like the fact that she goes in for sport in particular self-defense. I would like to see her again one day. Especially that she symbolizes, maybe, the end of my “dark” period. Now that I touched the bottom I have the impression to take out a little the head of the water. Hopefully it is not just an impression.

I really had difficulty in falling asleep, still this damned fear of dying during the night. But once asleep, I slept well. Awakening at 11 am, a kiss and I returned at my parent’s.

On Sunday afternoon, I visited Virginie and I gave her 7 orgasms. Because I like the figure 7 (it is beautiful, it is full of itself). The man loses some energy by enjoying or rather by ejaculating but the girl by enjoying wins it then she was satisfied. It is a little bit inequitable the life all the same but well I am generous with her. I don’t know why but if I can do good to somebody and that it costs me not much, I do it.

Otherwise, I discovered her corent, with 6 girls in a house in Aix, it is cool. When I shall be in shape we will maybe make a huge orgy in the kitchen with Padawan. And play with food, of course. I want eggs on the dish. No, rather two nice little oranges.

Well, I was happy to see that, even sick, I still make quality one night stands. And fuck better than the average. Most simply of the world. That made me feel better. That restored a little my self-esteem.

It was cool and I had almost found the morale. But, in the afternoon, I had a not-very-good-news-I-don’t-really-wanna-talk-about then I go back a little in depression but I should not let go myself even if it is hard. And especially, it is not the moment to break down because I don’t wanna miss my diploma again (examination in October). That at least that, it is done : one less problem in my life. I don’t wanna spend another pseudo-sabbatical year like that. Besides I always want to go to Sydney next year. Well, in January that seems to me compromised… but why not in September. I shall fight up till the end, even in the moments of doubt, because it seems that this is the way we do when we have a winner state of mind.

May the God of Game and of the Health be with us.

PS : I answer quickly for those who asked me if my brother had read my article about him and his wife. I don’t know. He despises what I’m doing, anyway, thus I suppose that he does not read me.

PS 2: for the assholes who have nothing else to do than imagining that I invent a life with so many details, instead of being a pain in the neck to reassure yourselves : rather try to see how I can help you and say “thank you” (or read something else otherwise it is paradoxical to come read a thing that supposedly you do not like). It will be more pleasant for everybody! If you have not understood yet that I have never lied to shine and that it won’t happen anytime soon, then you don’t ascertain my character nor what I’m trying to do. Too bad for you. Stay in your glass prison.